Reading · The Thinking Other Woman

As a former Other Woman, I have to ask: What is going on on Medium lately? Is it something in the water?

Not only has there been a stampeding exodus of popular “other women” writers (because their married men found their writing and the men were upset?), but there’s a current spate of advice from old men in sexless marriages directed at other men in sexless marriages that, for want of any more appropriate word, I can only define as: Shitty.

You cannot be an “other woman” without confronting the problem of The Sexless Marriage. Most of us get roped in that very way, in fact. The more thoughtful of us (yes, those very writers whose married men chased them off the platform) actually do some research into the sexless marriage, speak among ourselves about it, and think very deeply about it.

(Since the betrayed wife is going to hate our guts for inserting ourselves into her marriage, and her husband into ourselves, we think it’s the least we can do.)

I think we mistresses have something to offer you, the man in the sexless marriage, other than our bodies.

I ought to preface this with a bit of background. When we got married, my late husband informed me that if two people weren’t having sex, it wasn’t a marriage, they were roommates. I understood from that how he felt about it and committed myself right there to at least once a week, even though at the time, I didn’t think more than that would be difficult.

Add three years, a hysterectomy, my HRT company going bankrupt and difficulties finding another hormone replacement that worked the same, and two elderly demented relatives falling into my lap for me to see to their affairs, and it got a lot harder than I had planned on.

Still, I loved him and I wanted him to be happy, and I kept that at-least-once-a-week promise I made myself, although with the lack of sleep and the marked imbalance in household chores, it was with a heavy heart at times.

Then my husband got diagnosed with a brain tumor. We were still having sex up to a month before he passed away.

I do believe that women need to wake up. I haven’t had sex since my husband died, and after the married man emotional affair, I won’t be dating anyone, either. I wish I could go back in time to my marriage, knowing things now I didn’t know then, and do some things differently.

I did learn about responsive desire, so I did know that, but I did not know how common it is for women with as little sexual experience as I had had to feel shy and embarrassed in bed, especially with a guy who wanted a “spicier” sex life. I was just wayyy taken aback by that and did not know how to handle it at all. I did not know even how to talk about it, so I just got embarrassed, made excuses, and shut things down. I had no template for how to deal with that at all.

Of course, in my study of The Sexless Marriage, I have found a lot of information about these issues, and, had I only found it when my husband was still alive, I could have handled it a lot better. At least I did as well I did, even though I was bowed down with work and caregiving and we had the constant, constant stress of having very little money. And I’m glad about that, because I adored my husband. He was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I wish I had known more then about how to do things better.

Most of the time when I see a man lamenting his sexless marriage: Here these wives actually have nice homes and enough money … and they forget what their relationship is really all about.

At least, we think they do. Actually, without checking with the woman herself, we do not know why she shut down sexually. Some women themselves don’t know! That is what therapy is for.

That said, I also see men online being very crude, unattractive, and downright ugly about sex. Or acting like nothing else in life exists. Or like nothing much matters about a woman except size, shape, and weight. How many inches this way, how many inches that way.

I’m here to tell you, guys, crudeness and constant preoccupation with looks, your penis, and how much action you are or are not getting is not attractive. And I hope you are getting those italics. Frankly, attitudes like this are downright frightening to women, and seeing this online is one big reason I don’t date.

Having said that … Shall we?

Let me go back to this one phrase:

I adored my husband. He was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I wish I had known more then about how to do things better.

This attitude is sorely missing from the recent diatribes I have seen from men in sexless marriages who call themselves “advising” other men in sexless marriages.

Instead, I am seeing “advice” like the following:

“Oh, well, people just lose attraction for one another. Can’t do anything about it; that’s just all there is to it. Ho-hum.”
Men going the tippy-toe way of hints and gestures when serious discussion is required.
Then getting angry and resentful and blaming their wife because she isn’t meeting their needs. They brought her flowers and did more chores, and she didn’t get the hints; therefore the state of the marriage is now all her fault. Boy, does the anger and resentment bleed through those lines, when I see people write them!
Now we get to the “I don’t care about you anymore” stage. Compartmentalize your life, says the advice. Get involved in things outside of the home. Go have sex with someone else.
But you can’t get divorced, because, well, MONEY. And all the other conveniences and trappings of being married, to wit: What will everyone else think? Of me? Because I left?

What’s missing from it?

Seriously. I’m going to give you a second to think about it.

What’s missing from it?

Three things are missing, here, guys.

Honor
Courage
Integrity.

Think about it. What if she treated you like this, and then you found out she was having an affair?

What would you have expected, what would you have hoped, she would do before resorting to that? Maybe she could have grabbed you by the lapels and grated, “We need to talk. Now!” before you discovered her between the sheets with someone else.

That’s usually how the betrayed spouse feels after they find out. Guess what? That’s how your betrayed spouse is going to feel when she finds out, too, if you’re cheating or getting “happy ending” massages.

The funny thing is this: That same conversation is the one that, prior to the affair, both spouses are so uncomfortable being honest with one another that they would do anything to avoid. Which is why someone ends up in an affair!

Guys, there is no way to handle a sexless marriage without honor, courage, and integrity up front that does not result in years, decades, of wasted life and happiness, modeling an unhealthy marriage for your kids, and quite possibly infidelity on the back end.

I’m going to say that again:

And none of those sequelae are good.

And, you know what? None of those five points up there qualifies as bringing your best self to your marriage. And nothing absolves you from doing that.

Okay, perhaps you believe you are justified because you don’t think she brought her best self to the marriage. But that just puts you in the position of saying, “I didn’t do it because she didn’t do it.” When both people do that, what sort of state do you end up in?

That is why honor, courage, and integrity is always your responsibility, no matter what the other person is doing. Especially for those kids you don’t want to divorce because you have.

I want you to notice something about the numbered points of advice by these old men up there. At first, they look like they make sense. The people giving this advice all imply — and in the case of divorce, they all state it outright — “I can’t do anything else. What else could I do?”

But, in every case, the person doing those things is opting for something easy and nonconfrontational. Because, my friend, we are afraid to do things that are hard.

Have a come-to-Jesus, no-holds-barred, I-want-change-in-this-marriage-or else conversation with the wife? Whooo, that’s hard. Divorce? And lose all my money? Scary!

But without these things, my friend, you have no leverage. And without leverage, you will waste your life, model an unhealthy marriage for your kids, and then go and have an affair. (Or some happy ending massages, which many people consider just as bad.)

All of you sexless marriage guys really want the same thing: A close, loving, connected, sensual, sexual marriage With. Your. Wives.

(And the reason I know that is every “other woman” finds that out when the affair is discovered and the married man dumps her to go grovel at his wife’s feet. Happens every time. It will happen to you. And then you will have to go back and do all the honor, courage, and integrity things I am about to tell you anyway … only it will be ten thousand times worse, because you will have been caught in an affair.)

(I haven’t run this pub for six years for nothing.)

This has to be the number one reason people have affairs. They are terrified of being parted with half the money in a divorce. They are terrified of divorce lawyers. They are afraid for their retirement. Oh, I’m worried by so many woes!

(Half the people in America don’t even have $600 in the bank in case the car breaks down. They don’t have any retirement at all. I don’t have any retirement at all. Wah, wah, wah. Cry me a river. Half of whatever the two of you have together is infinitely more than half the country will ever have … and somehow, we find the courage to face old age anyway. How do we do it?)

Guess what? The marital pot of money is only half yours anyway! Your forfeited romantic life and your forfeited happiness is the convenience fee you pay to pretend it is all yours. By the way, did you know there is a way you can divorce without involving any lawyers at all?

You need to decide you can handle an eventual divorce. Because that and only that has your courage to do what you need to do. And what you need to do is behave with honor and integrity.

Honor and integrity gets you out of all the hints and gestures, all the sneaking around, all that resentment that corrodes your life and hers. Honor and integrity is what gets your butt across from her on that couch and gets the following, magic words out of your mouth:

“On a scale of one to ten, where one is that I am completely happy in this marriage to you, and ten is I am so miserable I am filing for divorce tomorrow, I am now at defcon eight. I am serious about this, wife. Things cannot go on the way they are in this marriage. Either I get some cooperation from you in changing this, or I will leave.”

And then you insist on counseling, and you do not take no for an answer. If no is the answer, you divorce.

You do not download all your problems onto your mistress in an affair, thus lying to her that you will leave your wife, using the living shit out of her, and then dumping her the moment someone finds out. You do not sit there in corrosive resentment for the rest of your life, telling yourself that money and the house, and, I don’t know, a pool or whatever, is more important.

It is the only way to effect real change in your marriage, which is what you really want. (And we mistresses know that. We know you don’t want us.)

Or, should you discover that your wife is incapable of change, it is the only way to look yourself in the mirror, knowing you did the very best you could, and set yourself free to have a real relationship — a real life — with someone who will treat you the way you want and deserve to be treated.

Anything else shortchanges you, shortchanges her, shortchanges your kids, and everyone else who sees you playacting being satisfied in your marriage.

Because it tells them they should be doing the same.

And that’s horrible. You know it is. You’re living it.

This is the only right way to handle it. Stand up in your marriage with honor, courage, and integrity. Anything else hurts everyone, sacrificed on the altar of appearances and money.

You know deep down it isn’t worth it. Stop telling other men it is.

And pay this guy a visit.

C’mon. Are you really going to lie there on your deathbed, glad you stayed in that stultifying marriage? Is blaming it all on her really going to do it for you?

I’ve Run the Largest Publication on Infidelity on Medium for 6+ Years

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