Doom Break Volume Ten, Where Merriment is Mightier than a Pathogen

[Note from TriTorch: No other Doom Break has made me laugh harder than putting this one together, in fact it isn’t even close. I cannot say why, but the Chuck Norris jokes are absolutely hilarious to me—maybe it’s the background in Tai-Kwon-Do, I don’t know, but they are rolling on the floor level hilarity for yours truly, and I sincerely hope so for you as well (if you’ve seen this list in notes or elsewhere, read through it again, it has been massively upgraded).

Not quite here yet, but getting close: Did anyone lose a large roll of $20 bills wrapped in a rubber band??... Because I found the rubber band.

Just kidding, I am not a thief, I would walk ten miles to find the owner. That being said: I’ve never included a fund-raising request in a Doom Beak before—that isn’t what these are about—but, to be blunt, my last run-in with the gangstalking devils found me living in my car and substack is the only way I can survive. So, if anything that follows makes you laugh, then I expect you to upgrade to a paid subscription or donate a large fortune here:

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Or a small one. Anything is helpful. And now is so much better than later—no joke. If nothing in the following jokes make you laugh, then send me your donate button, and let’s hash it out.

Now let’s turn on the hilarity juice, and see what shakes loose.]

• My grandpa always said when one door closes, another one opens. Smart man but a horrible cabinet maker.

• Where do bad rainbows go? They go to prism. But it’s a light sentence. It gives them time to reflect. And really, prism isn't so bad—It's full of colorful characters.

• When Chuck Norris did a bungee jump, the laws of physics apologized for questioning his gravitational pull.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he pushes the earth down.

• While learning CPR Chuck Norris actually brought the practice dummy to life.

• Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.

• Chuck Norris went skydiving and his parachute failed to open, so the next day he took it back for a refund.

• Chuck Norris doesn’t tell lies. He changes facts.

• Chuck Norris doesn’t do math problems. He just stares at the numbers until they solve themselves.

• Once Chuck Norris killed two stones with one bird.

• Chuck Norris was shot today The bullet is in critical condition

• Global warming exists. Chuck Norris got cold one morning and turned up the sun.

• Chuck Norris can dig a hole in water….and plant a tree there.

• Chuck Norris doesn’t dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.

• Once Chuck Norris picked up a missed call.

• Before going to bed, the Boogeyman always checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead it is just afraid to move.

• What every sports player should say after winning? “First of all, I would like to thank Chuck Norris for not competing.”

• A cop once pulled Chuck Norris over...Luckily, the cop left only with a warning.

• Bigfoot claims he saw Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn’t built up the courage to tell him yet.

• Chuck Norris once counted to infinity - twice.

• Once, Chuck Norris reached the point of no return…. …..and returned.

• Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss... ...and it looked away.

• Afraid of Chuck Norris, the Dark sleeps with a night-light.

• When Chuck Norris falls out of a boat, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norrised.

• Chuck Norris once put out a fire with a can of gasoline.

• Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering—the snake died

• Chuck Norris was petting a tiger. Suddenly the tiger began to utter a soft growl. The trainer said, “get up slowly and back away.” So, the tiger did.

• Chuck Norris can read the QR code word for word.

• When 911 has an emergency, it calls Chuck Norris.

• When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

• Chuck Norris caught AIDS and the prognosis is not good. Anyone wanting to say goodbye to the virus should visit the hospital tonight.

• Chuck Norris uses a stunt double …. for crying scenes

• Chuck Norris’ poker face is so good that he once won the 1988 World Series of Poker despite holding a 9 of spades, a Joker, a green Skip card from the game Uno, a Get Out of Jail Free Monopoly card and a 2 of clubs....and he wasn’t even competing.

• Let’s all be real here, Chuck Norris is not that good. If he were he’d come to my house and shove my face against the keybo@j%s?;+~€j’!*

• Chuck Norris once killed 500 Nazi pilots using only a wrench…. Best mechanic, ever.

• Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water…

• Chuck Norris’s calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. Nobody fools Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris’s blood type is AK47.

• Chuck Norris doesn’t pay attention, attention pays Chuck Norris

• When Chuck Norris was born, The doctor said “Congratulations! You have two healthy parents.”

• The day Chuck Norris was born he drove his mother home from the hospital to the log cabin he built with his own to hands

• Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door

• Chuck Norris was in a knife fight. The knife lost.

• Chick Norris can cut a knife with warm butter.

• Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

• If at first you don’t succeed…well then you aren’t Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris hit the longest home run in MLB history... He also caught that ball

• Did you hear about the fight between Chuck Norris and Superman? The loser had to wear their underwear on the outside

• Chuck Norris Once Picked an Apple from a Orange Tree, he made lemonade from it. Everyone agrees it was the best cup of tea they ever drank.

• Chuck Norris went to court once. The judge turned to him and opened with, “Your Honor, may I speak freely?”

• Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him, so he tracked down nothing and killed it.

• Chuck Norris plays a very important role in star wars. He’s the force.

• I fear the day will come when Chuck Norris is no longer with us……that will be the day everyone dies except Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris skipped school two days in a row...Those days are now known as Saturday and Sunday.

• Once in a staring contest, Chuck Norris made the sun blink. This is why we have night.

• Chuck Norris once stepped on a crack, it apologized and fixed his mom’s back.

• The only game Chuck Norris has ever lost was Russian Roulette. He’s lost a few times, actually.

• If Chuck Norris hadn’t existed...Chuck Norris would have invented him.

Chuck is actually very humble and loves these jokes. An interviewer once asked him if he could run around the world fast enough to punch himself in the back of the head—”No, I’d hear myself coming.”

A man is attending a funeral and says to the widow, “Do you mind if I say a word?” She tells him to go ahead. He says, “Plethora.” “Thank you,” she replies, “that means a lot.”

A lady announces, “globe”.

“Thank you, that means the world.”

Another replies, “bargain”.

“Thank you, that means a great deal.”

“Wet hole”, comes a cry from the back.

“Thank you” turning toward the others, “he means well.”

The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

• I have a friend who’s an origami teacher. She told me she’s quitting her job this week... apparently, there was just too much stacked up paperwork and she was tired of folding it stationary.

• We have a great zoo here in the area. To help with finances, the animals do chores to earn their keep. The Lion sweeps tonight.

• I’ve always loved the people stories, like Edison failing a thousand times before inventing the light-bulb. Those… were dark times in his life.

• If Sin City is Las Vegas, what’s Den City?…Mass over volume.

• Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it. It’s half empty.

• Trying to print some documents late last night but got distracted when my printer started making unusual sounds. At first I thought it sounded like music coming from the machine... turns out the paper was jamming.

• I love Paris. One of my favorite cities. Though on my most recent visit I tripped on the cobblestones…Eiffel over

• Of all the inventions of the last hundred years, the dry erase board is the most remarkable.

• My wife was testing out the hands-free calling in our car this morning. She called to tell me she saw a fox on the way to the grocery store...I asked her how she knew the fox was on its way to the store.....She hung up on me.

• My favorite thing ever, I mean of all time, is exaggeration. No, that’s not it. Now that I think about it, actually, it is second-guessing

• As an author I appreciate spell check though I’m not happy with autocorrect. It always makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo!

• Me: I love having a garden...Friend: I didn’t know you liked to work in the garden....Me: Perhaps I wasn’t clear, I like having a garden.

• Stopped at a gas station this morning to put air in my tires. Was disappointed to see it was no longer free. It was $4.75 just to fill up all four... that’s what you call inflation.

• I’ve started investing in stocks. Beef, chicken, and vegetable...One day I hope to be a bouillonaire....

• Yesterday I shared a Dracula pun which prompted a friend to ask who was my favorite vampire......I answered, the muppet from Sesame Street.....My friend replied, “He doesn’t count.” ....I assured them he does.

• Ran into a friend I hadn’t seen since high school this morning. He seemed pretty down as he told me about his career in archeology...”basically, my life is in ruins.”

• My girlfriend kept complaining “you’re always acting like a detective. I want to split up” so I said “that’s a good idea, we’ll cover more ground that way”.

• I have a friend who is looking for a new job as the new year starts. He was a traveling pasta salesman but he gave it up. His commission was only penne’s on the dollar.

• Over the holiday, a friend told me he thought I had average intelligence. I told him that’s just mean.

• We’ve had nothing but rain for two days. The sun came out this morning, so I went for a walk to a nearby wheat field. Took a picture but I’m not going to post it…turned out too grainy.

• Hey! There’s a boy cow!

  • Bull!

    • No really!

• I recently heard the sad news that the guy who wrote the Hokey Pokey had passed away…Apparently there was an incident when he was being placed in his coffin. They put his left leg in… and that’s when the trouble started.

• “Dear Joseph, your uncle Sean drowned in a vat of whiskey last week. Two men jumped in to save him, but he fought them off hard.”

• The other day a man tried to sell me a coffin. I told him, “That’s the last thing I’ll need.”

• Charles Dickens walks into a bar and order a martini. Bartender looks at him and asks: olive or twist?

• Before the crowbar was invented, the crows just drank at home.

A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bar and gets up to leave. A minute later, he comes back in saying with a mean look in his eye "I'm going to sit down and have one more drink, and if my horse isn't back where I left it, I'm gonna have to do what I done in Texas, And I really don't wanna have to do what I done back in Texas!"

True to his word, he sits down, orders another drink, sits in the [silent] bar and finishes his drink. He then gets up and walks outside and sure enough, his horse is back tied up where he left it. As he's just about to ride off, one of the other patrons timidly asks, "mister? What was it you had to do in Texas?" The cowboy gets a far off look in his eyes and says sadly, "walk."

• My girlfriend kept nagging me everyday to stop acting like a flamingo. She just would not stop. It got so bad, I finally had to put my foot down.

• Told my wife she’s bad with directions. She was so mad, she packed her bags and right.

• What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

  • Outlaws are wanted.

• Every time my boss picks up a broom, I ask her where's she's going?

• What do you call a piece of sandpaper in the desert? A map.

• What do you get for the man who has everything?

  • Penicillin

• I only know 25 letters of the alphabet; I don’t know y.

• Did you hear about the terrible thesaurus?

  • It’s terrible.

• My four year old son has been learning Spanish, but he can only say the word “please”.

  • That’s poor for four.

• Q: What does a vegan zombie eat?

  • A: Graaaaaiiiiiins!

• Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba-dum tish.

• What do you name a camel with no humps? Humphrey.

• I once got stuck in an elevator. Now I take steps to avoid them

• Will the individual who removed our ladder kindly return it or further steps will be taken…

  • That was hi-stair-icle.

• Be humble, for you are made of earth. Be noble, for you are made of stars. Be productive, the rent is due on Friday.

• I was once stuck for three hours in a broken escalator

• Two monkeys are in a bath, when one says.

  • Oooh oooh aah aaah.

    • The other replies, don’t turn the heat so far up then.

• A female dog gave birth at the side of the road. A short time later a police officer stopped by and gave her a ticket for littering.

There's two philosophers on either side of a river. The one yells to the other "How do you get to the other side?" The other one replies "You are on the other side".

• “I didn’t see you at camouflage drill this morning corporal”

  • “Oh, thank you very much sarge”

• What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

  • The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.

• Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water??

  • If they fell forwards, they’d fall into the boat.

• What’s the difference between SCUBA and a tuba?

  • SCUBA is a Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus, whereas a tuba is a Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

• "I heard they aren't making shortbread any longer"

• My friend says to me: "what rhymes with orange" I said: "no it doesn't"

Did you laugh, if so as the contract requires, please:

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