Reading · Trevor’s Substack

When I saw this, I was hoping it was an obituary.

It wasn’t, and the disappointment was painful.

This is just a guess, as I didn’t know Ross Douchehat during his high school years, but I’m betting that Ross Douchehat of New York Times fame was locker meat in high school. I can almost hear his tiny, fat fists pounding on the inside of the locker, sobbing, and yelling himself hoarse, hoping against hope that the home ec teacher will wander by to let him out and wipe away the tears from his grubby little prepubescent beard while he tells her how mean progressive liberals are.

He looks like the kinda guy that no one really likes. And he was definitely the last guy picked to play baseball. He doesn’t look like he could lift the bat.

And so, “the Douchehat” made up for this by hating every liberal “elitist” idea he could sniff out. My theory is that he felt by wrapping himself in a cloak of strong, manly, conservative ideals, it would make him appear more butch. Sorry, Ross, it hasn’t worked.

Here is his NYT columnist photo – the Idaho potato shaped Charlie Brown head, the furrowed brow, the stern expression, the crappy half goatee and gross neck beard and his extra-long forehead that will shortly meet up with the back of his neck tells you he is a very important and serious guy. I have never seen a face with less definition. He looks partially inflated.

If you have ever wasted 10 minutes reading one of his columns, you will likely come away with the impression that Rossy detests, simply detests, elitists and elitism. Come now, Ross, is there anything more elitist than an uppity, Harvard educated, supercilious New York Times columnist? Can you hear me, David Brooks? I gagged at this line in the first paragraph:

“It was the left-of-center perspective and centrist politicians. a perspective that was morally permissive and self-consciously cosmopolitan, uniting multilateralism and hawkishness in foreign policy, and optimistic that a meritocratic elite could guide a globalizing world toward prosperity and harmony.”

Now, if that line ain’t the definition of elitist crap, I don’t know what is. Only an elitist could put a sentence together that ridiculous, with words that no one uses in normal conversation. That said, I really must try and sneak, “That morally permissive and self-consciously cosmopolitan, bastard who is uniting multilateralism and hawkishness into a combined foreign policy,” into a conversation. GawdDamn! I’ll sound smart!

Here’s another:

“The columnist’s job contains multitudes, but it’s useful to have a primary antagonist, a specific worldview that you think needs to be challenged and critiqued. For me, for many years, that worldview was the elite consensus of the early Obama era.”

Wow, multitudes of elitist black guys to antagonize? That’s a new one. That sounds surprisingly old. Targeting the elite Barry Obama for being born to, and heavily influenced by, a single white woman, who raised two biracial children alone in a country of bigots while she pursued her education to go help poor people in Indonesia and Pakistan to start microfinance programs. No wonder Barrack became an elitist, how could he not? Hey Ross, you bald headed bastard, I lived through the “early Obama era” and it was the last thing I would call elitist.

Have you noticed that conservative gonad garglers like NYT Ross Douchehat call everybody they dislike an “elitist?” It’s their go-to-word. A scientist like Anthony Fauci is an elitist. A history teacher is elitist. The college educated are elitist. Just not the right-wing billionaires, the Yale Wall Street bunch and right-wing think-tank assholes who actually are the elite class. To Ross, the oligarchs are the salt of the earth.

And let’s jump forward past Obama to the Gilded Age of Trumpism, and I litterly mean gilded. He is spray painting everything in sight gold. Is there anything more elitist than Trump?

But Ross blames us liberals for that.

Here. Read it again.
“The left-of-center perspective and centrist politicians. A perspective that was morally permissive and self-consciously cosmopolitan, uniting multilateralism and hawkishness in foreign policy, and optimistic that a meritocratic elite could guide a globalizing world toward prosperity and harmony.”

Are you serious, Ross? WE are Dr. Frankenstein?! We brought the monster Trump to life, his only purpose to lay waste to your wonderfully religious and moral country? Why you lyin’ sack of cat turds! Trump is a direct symptom of your diseased right-wing ideology that 70+ years of republicanism, hate tanks, Koch money, the placement of poisonous right-wing judge appointments, the Pat Buchanans, the Adelsons, the Nixons, the Dick Cheneys, the Rayguns, the Bushes and the Shrub have led to. Mission Fuckin’ Accomplished. But it was our “permissiveness” that created the MAGAT revolution and ruined your chill vibe? Ross, you have a very warped sense of political reality.

“I opposed this (liberal) worldview on substantive grounds. I was religious where it was largely secular, I was pro-life where it was pro-choice.”

Oh, I see, you were forced to live amongst different people, with different views. Quelle horreur! You poor man-child, I grieve with and for you.

Somehow his “catholic” religion and “pro-life” position make him right. His catholic church, one of the most corrupt child-fucking organizations, where “cover-ups” and relocating church pedophiles into someone else’s community to avoid detection and payouts, approach a high art, must be respected. A woman’s right to choose should be his choice, not hers. What a hypocritical pompous ass.

The rest of his column isn’t worth going into. It is an exquisite exercise in horseshit and bothsidesism, the safe castle du jour where the intellectually impotent and the journalistically dishonest choose to live these days.

But I will mention one more exceptional turd floating languidly in his punch bowl of words that must be addressed.

The Douchehat has bravely survived something nearly as bad as the holocaust. Here, I’ll let him tell it.

“I lived through the years of peak woke, and it was a McCarthyite experience. I lived with the blue-state governance that doctrinaire progressivism encouraged, and it yielded civic and educational collapse. And I would prefer not to give the far left the power to regulate and prosecute and rewrite the federal budget.

Oh. Ma. Gawd! That poor man. Which gulag did you escape from, Ross? Were you rounded up and tortured by Hispanic and trans teenagers on skateboards screaming “You will hire a woman” at him for 24 hours straight and only feeding him caviar, Kobe beef and truffles?

Educational collapse? Really, Ross? Have you looked at what your right wing oligarchs are doing to education? Teach what we want or else? No, I suspect you haven’t.

Blue-State governance? A) Just what the fuck is that? Building bridges, repairing highways, adding infrastructure? How awful that must have been. B) Is Blue-State governance ICE deporting, shooting and killing innocent people? Oops, I’m wrong again. That is your people.

Peak Fucking Woke? Oh fuckin’ please. What in the name of fuck-all is Peak Woke? Did a pronoun scare you, Ross? Please describe this horrible McCarthyite experience that was thrust upon you. Where is this secret “Woke Court” held? Is Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez both the judge and jury, dressed in black crow feathers and wearing a necklace made from the bones of a conservative opinion writer sending people to the gallows and destroying careers, lives and families? Oh, yeah, again, that is your party, your Supreme Court, your president, your ICE thugs doing that. My bad.

Peak Fuckin’ Woke, my ass.

The reason for this idiotic column is that Ross Douchehat is now leaving the Times for a sad foray into an even worse vehicle, CBS and their decaying 60-minutes show which has been gutted of their experienced investigative reporters and is now run by an incompetent right-wing blogger with no journalistic experience. Not that journalistic experience is in demand these days. But nice downward move, Ross.

I wonder how the bearded grape head will fare as a talking head? Does he have a deep, manly voice resonating with gravatas? Will he be able to parry back and forth with a lightning quick wit? Will he capture the nation’s imagination like Walter Cronkite?

My guess is no.

Ross Douchehat’s Last Column

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