By Trever Stone Irvin | August 25th, 2026 | Year of the Shitstorm
Well, I suppose you’ve all heard by now about the Diaperin’ Nanny, the human printer, chief psychotic sycophant and ass kisser, “The Happy Harpy”, love child Natty Lite… otherwise known as, Natalie Harp. I mean, how could you miss it?
If you don’t remember what a harpy is from your 9th grade mythology, let me refresh your memory. HARPY - A foul malign creature from Greek mythology that is part woman and part birdbrain.
Donny Dumbass’s fascination with his personal birdbrained harpy is so complete, they had to drag Melanoma out from her morning ritual of strangling kittens to a press conference to prove that Melanoma, Lordess of the Dark, and “The Donald” were still married. Melanoma made a brief appearance saying, “Did youv miss me? I no give shit, Da stoopid beech can change all ze diapers she vants. He donzn’t sleep vit me.”
Like Melanoma even cares…
The world has been weird enough without this level of crazypants. But what is one more fuck-a-roonie, dystopian, dick-tater car crash?
Natalie is very important to Donny. He needs her close by. If Natalie Harpy is accidentally left behind on one of Prezdent Douche’s many championship golf outings that requires that he cheat in order to win, and he is always winning, Natalie physically chases after his golf cart. Not in another golf cart, but on foot if needed. This is to make sure she is always no more than 20 feet away from The Donald’s pungent and malodorous smell at all times. Yes, Natalie, breathe that aroma in.
Why does she do this? Is she keeping tabs on important geopolitical events that King Baby must be kept informed about? Does she have the Kremlin on the line so The Dufus can speak to BFF Vlad the Poot when necessary? Does she just like the smell? Well, yes, she does like the smell, but, no, she is scouring the internet to find and print out every stupid meme and snippet that glorifies our president of insecurity in ever more childish ways. She will print out a quote from some rightwing nutbag who thinks Donny is the greatest president that has ever shit between two shoes or show him a fuck-a-doodle stupid AI creation of Donny forming the earth with his bare, very miniature hands with the accompanying text, “ONLY I COULD DO IT IN SEVEN DAYS!”
Wow, we went from zero to WHAT THE FUCK!? In no time at all, didn’t we?!
But Natty-in-Love writes Donny Von Shitzinpants love letters too. These letters are creepy. It is like a heartbroken, bipolar, 7th grade cheerleader on acid wrote these things. I’ll attach them here.
Apparently, Natty Lite folds them up, putting little hearts and kisses all over them and then slips them into Donny’s diapers during a change. The Daily Beast bravely found and managed to abscond with two of the letters by grabbing them with a pair of blacksmith tongs and hightailing it back to the newsroom, where they were de-stink-a-fied and the brownish smears removed. Then they posted them online for the world to see just how screwed up and shittastic America is right now.
Here are some of the choice, I-need-to-puke lines that Natty Lite crafted in letter number one. Here goes:
“I want things to always be right between us.”
That is a little disturbing. A “Our love will always be real” sort of line.
“I haven’t been myself, dwelling on the Past (odd Trumpian capitalization) and the pain of losing my Dad…”
She forgot to add, “You’re my Daddy now” but I think it is implied.
“That is my fear you see, I never want to bring you anything but joy.”
So, is her official title Secretary of Joy and Sexting Robot?
“You are all that matters to me.”
When is the wedding, Natalie? Can I get an invite?
“Thank you for being my Guardian and Protector (More Trumpian caps) in this life.”
Oh. Ma. Gawd! If he wasn’t so decayingly old, that one would have given ol’ limp dick Donny a stiffy!
“And you did once again what you didn’t have to do and gifted me with Mementos of this Trip of a Lifetime, a Coming of Age…” (Still going with the Trump caps, eh, natty?!)
Coming of Age? Gulp! Holy shit, is she saying “Hey! I’m Legal Daddy!?”
“I have to sign off now, the car is leaving, see you soon”
Does that sound a bit 7th grade? Yeah, li’l bit.
And then there was letter number two.
“Now, this is the note I wanted to write…”
Oh, jeeezzzuzz, is this going to get even creepier than the last letter?
“For the first time in, I don’t know how long, you forced me to unplug…”
I pray to Sweet Baby Jeezzuz that we aren’t talking about sex toys and butt plugs here…
This is all getting too much. I’ll stop there and just let y’all finish reading the second letter.
I’d like to point out here that no fuckin’ AI bullshit has been used to produce this Substack! I did it all with my owz twoz fingers! Massively Stupid Headline of The Day:
Donny gets to rename anything he wants because he wears big-boy pants now.
I hate 30-below weather, but Canada is looking really, really, good right now.
I’d like to thank a new paid subscriber, From Dr. J’s Sanity Space. It is much appreciated in this AI Nobody-Pays-for-Art-Anymore world. As we all know, paid subscribers are exceptionally good looking, have IQ’s above 140 and know how to navigate a 4-way stop. I jest, I jest! You unpaid subscribers are really good looking too!!!
I would also like to thank the person who purchased one of my “It’s a Cat” t-shirts. It is much ‘preciated.
You can support my writing and doodles by becoming a paid subscriber or purchasing some of my artwork on mugs, t-shirts and other assorted crap that can be found at these fine establishments.
Trevor at FineArtAmerica
Trevor at RedBubble
(T-Public is the best place for t-shirts)
Trevor at TPublic
Thank you for your support,
T
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