The Human Frequency: Issue #3

August 19, 2026

Hello, friends, and welcome to The Human Frequency, my weekly newsletter highlighting ideas, research, people, and entertainment that show how tuning into the human frequency - the glories, small pleasures, values, hilarity, and messiness of being human - builds a life worth living.

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I’ve been traveling a lot with family this summer and it’s made me realize how much I benefit as a parent of teens from the homefield advantage - having things like predictable routines and activities, our stuff on hand, a working knowledge of the place we live in, food that will please everyone, and a comfortable bed in a room with blasting air conditioning.

When parenting teens on the road, my “status” as a “parenting expert” isn’t nearly as helpful as these homefield advantages. It turns out that a human teenager has an endless supply of emotional curve balls and opinions you had no idea they possessed, as if they’re pulling it all from some alternate universe they keep in the back pocket of their thrifted jeans.

There was the moment I looked at my teen’s screentime and saw they had been on for 12 hours that day. Had they even been awake that long? I just dragged them out of bed at 1pm…

Or the moment that, following a boat ride, shopping excursion, and delicious meal, I was informed that this trip was disappointing because it “just doesn’t feel like vacation.” What could improve the vacation? “I don’t know,” came the response.

In complex moments like these, I don’t execute a strategy or technique. Instead, I (take a deep breath and) remind myself of one principle:

A teen’s job is to find themself; a parent’s job is to provide limits while simultaneously giving more space to a teen than you can imagine them ever possibly needing.

Now, this is something your grandma might have told you, but it’s also what influential psychologist Erik Erikson might have told you, too. His work over 50 years ago still informs how psychologists understand identity development today.

He described a series of dilemmas, called psycho-social stages, that everyone faces as we navigate the inevitable tensions between inner experiences and social demands. If we find good solutions to early dilemmas, we are better prepared to find good solutions to later dilemmas. Success breeds success.

For example, infants must resolve the dilemma of trust vs. mistrust, figuring out whether others can adequately meet their basic needs, like affection and nourishment. If a baby gains trust in the social world, they also gain hope, which is a necessary foundation for later capacities, like feeling competent in the world (industry) and successfully pursuing goals (purpose).

A teen’s job is to find themself; a parent’s job is to provide limits while simultaneously giving more space to a teen than you can imagine them ever possibly needing.

For Erikson, the key dilemma of adolescence is finding yourself (actually he called it identity vs. confusion). The dilemma here is that a teen must discover who they authentically feel they are while also finding ways to conform to the expectations of others.

The payoff, if you find a good resolution to this dilemma is fidelity, a sustained commitment to values, beliefs, roles, and relationships, and the ability to maintain these aspects of identity across contexts and time, and in the face of uncertainty and contradictions.

The innumerable difficulties of such a grand task are why you couldn’t pay me enough money to be a teenager again. As Erikson wrote in his book Identity, Youth, and Crisis:

“In the social jungle of human existence, there is no feeling of being alive without a sense of identity.”

So, yeah, a teen has got to figure it out.

I love the notion of fidelity. I think of it as a sort of steadiness, an understanding of who you are even if you’re still under construction. It’s looking inward and perceiving yourself as a signal in the noise. It’s walking the dialectic between conformity and independence. It’s learning to tolerate uncertainty. It’s incredibly hard, and it’s very, very confusing, and it’s completely normal. It’s textbook teenager.

To reach towards identity rather than confusion means that teens must productively experiment with possible identities before they settle down into commitment. Sometimes people commit early (e.g., a young teen deciding they want to be a doctor because their mom’s a doctor). This can work out fine, but if identity is too rigid, it can make challenges or failures harder to bear.

Afterall, we never really “have” an identity, since it’s always an interplay between ourselves and the world. Things change, and we have to adapt. But teens are the ones doing the hardest, back-breaking work on it, dancing this dance all the time.

Enter parenting. Erikson’s theory clarifies what’s important for us parents of teens to do if we want to help them move towards identity and away from confusion.

1. Create space for inconsistency, annoying personality characteristics, some seriously bad choices, and maddening highs and lows so they can figure out their own balance between conformity and independence.

2. Keep your expectations intact. This process is terrifying for everyone, especially teens, and they need to see you as their north star, even when they drip with condescension about how un-cool you are. This isn’t just saying what is right, good, and true, but doing those things, modeling them in your day-to-day life.

3. Protect their period of moratorium. This is the term Erikson uses to describe letting kids be kids. Teens have to surrender to the unknown, the uncertain exploration of roles, values, fashion sense, relationships, and purpose. They don’t need us breathing down their necks about the future pressures and obligations of adulthood. It means we let them play at being this kind of person or that kind of person. It means we don’t prep them for getting into college starting at age 11. It means we let them make some mistakes and live with some consequences.

Constantly striking a balance between freedom and constraint is exhausting. In my moments of, “I better take a walk so I don’t start screaming,” what helps me most is to pick two things to let go of (control, decisions, or direction), so my teens can move towards independence; and then ask what my teens might need me to hold fast to, so that I can hold them accountable.

Or, as the wisdom of rock n’ roll teaches us:

Parent: “Just hold on loosely but don't let go, if you cling too tightly you're gonna lose control” ~38 Special

Teen: “Mommy’s alright, daddy’s alright, they just seem a little weird, surrender, surrender but don’t give yourself away” ~Cheap Trick

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Enjoy some thoughtful Substack reads in this vein by Emily Edlynn about the problems with parenting advice and Yael Schonbrun about bridging differences with your loved ones.

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You can learn more about identity science and adolescence at the International Society for Research on Identity, the Society for Research on Adolescence, or perhaps read one of Erikson’s books, like Identity, Youth, and Crisis.