In my last post, I shared the details of the sexy night I had in late October with a beautiful Spanish man. When he left that morning I felt giddy but also sad — he was a hard man to pin down, and I worried as to when I’d get to see him again.
Never. That was when. I never got to see him again.
We didn’t have a falling out. We just….. well, let me tell you the whole story. Because I honestly don’t even know what happened. Maybe you can help me figure it out. Or maybe it doesn’t even really matter.
After our night together in October, my mind immediately jumped to when we could meet again. At that point we were texting sporadically throughout the day every day. From 5am “good morning texts” to 10pm “sleep well” texts.
It felt like intimacy. Or at the very least, momentum.
There’s a quick aside that I want to share too: Back in September, after our first erotic park date but before we had sex, he told me that he only liked to sleep with one person at a time, and preferred that his partners did the same. I wasn’t thrilled by this, but I liked him so much that I agreed, figuring that I could change my mind at any point and tell him. I also offered to get STD testing, and he said he would do the same.
I got my STD testing done within three days. He didn’t. Weeks went by, and he kept saying he was too busy. I called him out on it several times, telling him that it felt disrespectful, like he only cared about his safety and not mine. This was one of the first clear red flags. Finally, several weeks later, before our night together, he did get tested and showed me the results. (All clear.) I’m not sure it would have happened if I hadn’t hounded him.
Now back to what happened after the night we spent together. One thing that was clear about this man was that he was extraordinarily busy and that his work schedule was hard to predict. I don’t want to share the details of his job here in case it could identify him, but I have spoken with a few people who know his profession, and they have assured me that his job really is all-consuming. (And yes, I found him on LinkedIn and confirmed his employment details.) He also said that on the weekends, he had hours-long calls with his family, supporting their business back in Spain.
Still, it was hard to wrap my head around just how unavailable he was. After our night together, I would tell him the days and nights I was free over the next few weeks and he would respond with platitudes like “I will see what I can figure out,” and then he would never follow up. When I suggested specific dates — “I could come to you on Thursday if you can escape for a few hours” — he always replied with something like “Thursday looks like it will be very busy and I don’t think I can escape, but I’ll let you know if that changes.”
It never changed.
Eventually, in late November, a month after our night together, I texted him. I told him that I understood he was busy, and that I really liked him and wanted to continue getting to know him. I told him I was OK with meeting him infrequently, but that I didn’t want to be monogamous if we were on that kind of schedule. I clarified that I didn’t particularly want to date other people, but that his unavailability was too frustrating and painful.
I knew this was a gamble and that he might end things, but instead, he replied:
Thank you for being honest. I hear you. It makes sense that with how little we can meet, you wouldn’t want to be monogamous, and I understand that. You’re amazing and I really enjoy the moments we share. But it’s also true that I’m feeling stressed, and it makes sense to keep things lighter for our own emotional self-preservation.
I was surprised and relieved — I definitely did want to see him again, but I couldn’t do monogamy if we were never having sex! I wrote him back thanking him for understanding. I said that I’d love for us to explore something more one day if it felt right to both of us.
I added that I was curious as to why he never let me visit his apartment. He’d come to my house, but we’d never gone to his, even though he was almost always at home (he mostly worked remotely). And it didn’t really make sense: Given his time constraints, it made sense for me to be the one to travel, not him, right? He replied that his apartment wasn’t very nice and that when he had free time, he liked to get out.
Reader, I know. Another big red flag.
Weeks went by with no more dates. He would text that he hadn’t left his apartment in days, that he’d skipped lunch yet again, that he hadn’t seen friends in weeks and they were angry. Throughout all this we still regularly texted about how much we missed each other and how much we wanted each other. We sexted and we exchanged photos.
I started to lose my mind, though. Surely he couldn’t be this busy, could he? For months at a time? Too busy to meet up even for just four or five hours?
There had to be something else going on.
All the bad things went through my head: Maybe he was married. Maybe he was dating 12 other people. Maybe he just didn’t like me anymore but didn’t have the balls to tell me. (I would love to hear your theories in the comments.)
After all, let’s face it — as busy as this man was, he still had agency. He was making choices. He sent me occasional gym selfies, so he wasn’t working all the time. I was obviously at the bottom of his priority list. When I asked him what he was doing for the holidays, he said he was spending three weeks in Spain with his family.
So he could take off three weeks to go to Europe, but he couldn’t take off three hours to see me? That was the math I couldn’t stop doing in my head.
The tenor of our communication started to change, too. Usually, when I texted that I missed him, he texted back that he missed me too. But over time, he stopped responding to those texts and simply hearted my “I miss you” texts.
If you have ever dated in the modern era, you already know: the heart emoji is often where hope goes to die.
Then, in early December — more than a month since we’d shared that beautiful night — I texted him: “I would like to see you sometime. It’s been so long.”
He hearted that, too, and didn’t reply.
That was the moment I knew something important had shifted. Or at least, that was the moment I finally allowed myself to see it.
I decided it was time to address the issue. I wrote:
Just want to pull on this thread a little because I noticed you didn’t respond. We are both busy right now and couldn’t meet up even if we wanted to, but if it’s more than that for you — if for whatever reason you are not interested in seeing me again — it’s OK! You can tell me. I just feel the need to say that!
He replied:
I get what you’re saying. It wasn’t intentional, things are just heavy on my end right now. It’s not lack of interest. I do want to see you again, but the timing for both of us is off. Let’s keep things easy and talk when things settle a bit.
In theory, our exchange was reassuring — “I do want to see you again” — but in practice, it changed everything. After that, he started texting less. The “good morning” and “goodnight” texts disappeared. What the hell was going on? I’d given him another easy out — he could easily have said that he didn’t want to see me again. Why hadn’t he? Was he just a coward who was afraid to tell me the truth?
Since the holidays, we’ve hardly been in touch. I guess I eventually gave up on him. When I started distancing myself, I realized all the longing and heartache weren’t worth it.
Still, I had no idea what had actually happened, and that bothered me. Our (brief) time together was sexy and hot and I know he agreed. And I wasn’t asking for a relationship; I just wanted sex and connection every few weeks. Why was that too much to ask?
A few days ago, I decided to try to get some closure. I texted him this:
I was thinking about you today. Things fizzled between us and part of me wonders what exactly happened .... why we never saw each other again after you spent the night in October. I know you’re very busy and that’s a big part of it! But it feels like there was something more going on and.... well, I want to try to understand. If you’re willing to share.
His reply:
Ummm that’s a very fair question. I really enjoyed the time we spent together. Around that period, though, I was going through a lot of changes, both personally and professionally. It put me in a more introspective place. Then the Christmas time with the family. In hindsight, I think I realized I wasn’t able to take things in a direction that felt right or fair for both of us. I should have communicated that more clearly.
Well that told me precisely nothing. “I wasn’t able to take things in a direction that felt right or fair for both of us”? That could mean anything. I pressed for more and asked him what he meant by “in a direction that felt right or fair,” but I never got a reply. That silence — ironically — was perhaps the clearest communication I got.
For months, I’ve tried to solve this beautiful man like a puzzle, as if there were a single missing piece that would suddenly make the whole story make sense.
But maybe there will never be a clear answer. Maybe even he doesn’t know the answer.
The longer I’ve sat with it, the more I realize the most important information was never hidden. It was right there in the empty promises, the ignored requests, the nights that never materialized.
I can still appreciate what we shared — the chemistry, the thrill, the way he made me feel intensely alive. But there were signs from the start that this would never last. And I think that’s OK. This experience wasn’t about losing something promising — it was about gaining clarity on what I’m no longer willing to settle for.
My One Perfect Night With A Beautiful Man
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Jan 25
In my last newsletter, I wrote about my erotic first date with the most beautiful men I’ve ever met. It was strange and intense and exquisite, and I was left wanting so much more. It also, honestly, felt too good to be true. Today I’m going to tell you about the one perfect night he slept over — and next time, I’ll tell you about the heartbreak that fol…
The Most Erotic First Date I've Ever Had
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Jan 12
In some recent posts I have alluded to several dates I’ve had with a beautiful man. For a while I wasn’t ready to share the salacious details, but now that things have cooled off (maybe ended?) with him, I feel it is time.
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