A few months ago, I started casually seeing a guy who lives a few miles from me. He was single and 35 (a younger man!), very cute and sweet. Early on, this neighbor guy confessed that I was the first woman he’d slept with in over a year.
Whenever we saw each other — once every 10 days or so — we hung out at one of our homes. We talked and caught up, laughed a lot, had sex, talked some more, and then parted ways.
Yet this guy never initiated. Whenever I texted him, he texted right back — and whenever I suggested meeting up, he was quick to agree. But he never, ever sent the first text or proposed a meet-up.
After a while, the passivity annoyed me, and I stopped texting him to see what would happen.
I never heard from him again.
Other men have done similar things. There was the younger sexy Spanish man I saw a few times who ended up drifting away, despite our obvious chemistry. This winter, I also went on a few dates with 33-year-old who, hilariously, had sold me my car several years ago. (We matched on Hinge after he “liked” me, and I immediately had fantasies of having sex with him in my SUV. Sadly, that never happened.)
With this car salesman, I was the instigator for both of our dates; after our second, we went back to my place and hooked up. We texted a bit more after that, but I was always the one reaching out. Finally, I gave up and stopped texting, in part to see what would happen.
I never heard from him again, either — until last week, when he saw me on a different dating app and “liked” me, hoping to match. I liked him back and sent him a message — “hi, again!” — and never heard back.
What the fuck?
I’m not alone in noticing the modern plight of male passivity. In a Guardian piece published in September, a 32-year-old woman described exactly what I’ve been experiencing: “It seems like the men are super low effort,” she said. “Not responding on dating apps, not effectively communicating, not wanting to plan dates.”
And in her recent, aptly titled New York Times Magazine article, “The Trouble with Wanting Men,” Jean Garnett complained: “I have been bruised by the ambivalence of men, how they can first want me and then become confused about what they want.”
If this is a pattern, what’s behind it? What is going on with these low-effort men? What are they thinking or feeling that is so confusing or difficult for them that they simply retreat?
The first, and most obvious, answer is that these guys just weren’t that into me. They were happy to meet up when they had nothing better to do, but their feelings were lukewarm. This could be true of the guys Jean Garnett and the Guardian woman dated, too.
But… well, I have my doubts. I’ve been on dates and texted with guys who were not particularly interested. They give off a different, standoffish vibe. I didn’t get the sense this was what was going on with these men. But of course, I could be wrong. The ego is a hell of a drug.
I could also imagine that these guys perhaps wanted to communicate — albeit cowardly and indirectly — that they didn’t want anything serious. But I made it clear from the get-go that I was only looking for something casual. I’m pretty sure these guys weren’t afraid of misleading me, or nervous that I’d get “clingy” or whatever the sexist term du jour is.
Perhaps, instead, they felt vaguely intimidated — by my age, my kids, my career, or the general fact of my life seeming more established than theirs. The neighbor guy did lament a few times that he had a boring, not so great job. One friend suggested these guys may even have thought they were being respectful, holding back because they assumed I was busy or unavailable. Maybe. It also seems possible that these men felt some discomfort they couldn’t quite name: insecurity, confusion, or a vague sense that they wanted me but did not want to have to risk anything to show it.
Cultural narratives and expectations could be part of the problem, too. We’re told as women to hold out for our storybook romance — that a Prince Charming will relentlessly and romantically pursue us, and that we shouldn’t settle for anything less. When guys aren’t making much effort, we may be primed to notice and feel the sting. These relationship ideals aren’t realistic, nor do they often serve us — but we have been socialized to believe them our whole lives.
It may also be that men today are confused by shifting gender dynamics and think they aren’t supposed to pursue women anymore. I’m all for questioning the value of chivalry and old-school scripts, but surely men should be putting in a little effort, no? Feminism is not about replacing male entitlement with male inertia. In a thought-provoking recent essay, Celeste Davis argued that men today may actually benefit more from relationships than women do. So it would probably behoove them to schedule some dates.
Any of these possibilities could be right, or there could be a combination of things going on. But I can’t help wondering if the real problem is that Millennial men are just… Lazy. Passive. Disinterested. A supporting data point: the one recent guy who has not been like this — who has pursued me and been great at making plans — is Nick. He’s Gen X, nearly 50.
If laziness is the problem, it sure challenges the popular incel narrative that women are the disinterested, rejecting ones. We’re here! We like having sex with you! But we are hardly ever invited to the party. Are these guys sitting there staring at their computers, expecting women to knock down their doors? Are they so entitled that they think we should be fawning over them even as they put in no effort?
I’m not sure. But the most maddening thing, to me, about this male passivity is that it leaves women doing all the labor. We’re the ones decoding the silence, generating the plans, absorbing the ambiguity, and then wondering whether we imagined the whole thing. The men won’t step up — but they won’t fully step away and free us, either.
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