The Making of a Pick-me.

Pick‑mes are not villains. They are refugees from girlhood. They are women who learned that female spaces can be unsafe, humiliating, and conditional. They are women who were tokens before they became traitors, shunned before they defected.

The consequences include being shunned by your own because you deliberately picked abusive men over yourself and other women, over and over again. You might be at the bottom of the female friendship hierarchy but you probably might not care because before you decided to be a bird you still were at the bottom. You believe that changing goalposts might actually score you something. Recognition, maybe buy you belonging. You believe that you're one of the boys, that you can only be best friends with your partner, that validation comes from men because you never quite received female validation.

Girlhood is not soft; it is a competitive arena where beauty, charisma, class, and confidence determine who gets to belong.

First you have the leader, she takes initiative, she's confident and socially influential. She seems to have it all together. She knows a lecturer who can make the missing grades problem go away, she knows the bouncer who can get you into an event at a fraction of the price, she's the kind that will have you pay less for drinks because another man on the opposite table decided to cover the bill.

She might also be the babe who's chill but knows how to get to certain opportunities, she is well connected, she is intelligent and equally beautiful and she knows it. Her influence comes highly from knowing how to infiltrate patriarchal spaces without appearing weak or like she's bending over to men.

Then we have her best friend, she's equally pretty but she's content with being a plus one. She is highly supportive but may not necessarily carry the same influence or charisma that her friend does. She may be with her because she gives access to "trade" secrets.

We also have the independent friend who doesn't play a major role but her place is sealed well enough.

Right outside this circle or in it's margins is the girl who bends over with the hopes that she might be allowed in. She's probably used to this. In childhood she was never the girl who started a game. She was always the one who had to go over to the girls and ask, can I play with you guys.

Only to be pushed in circles, " sorry we're full" , " sorry you need to bring your own toys to play with us" , "sorry the game isn't mine". Well whose is it?

Even children learn early that holding power over someone feels good. And because this girl isn't quite ready to give up she might start doing favours for the girls she thinks have power over her in order to buy their friendship. She might offer her snacks to them, offer to do homework for them, anything for friendship because loneliness sucks .

The circle finds her useful in manipulative ways. She may become the errand friend, the sacrificial lamb when things go wrong, the one who takes the blame if the recipe doesn't work out.

She knows this so she tries her best to be tolerant, hoping that it'll buy her community. She grows up to be a woman who is accustomed to this hierarchy.

In many cases this woman may be seen as conventionally unattractive by her peers, she might have her own insecurities. Whether it's her being a tall girl, a Neurodivergent girl, an "outsider" whether by race, ethnicity or class.

After many attempts she notices that being nice to other women doesn't buy her community or belonging, she isn't even sure if these women hold any significant power as all roads seem to lead to male approval.

She's just the black friend in an interracial friend group who serves the idea of inclusivity, the token black friend. Or the fat friend, the conventionally mid friend. The one who gets bantered.

"Let's put our wrists side to side, oh look I'm almost as dark as you.” “You know, I'm really jealous of dark skin girls, you have the best skin, us brown skinned girls suffer easily from acne scars and sun burns". The validation place holder.

A constant reminder to others in the circle that " at least we have someone below us." Men even call you the fridge that protects the snacks.

The friend who does not match the group’s beauty standard. The friend who is at the margin of selfies or just cropped out. The strong one. The responsible one. The one watching everyone’s drinks at the club so nothing gets spiked, the one making sure the drunk friends get home, the one who is always slightly outside the softness of being fully looked after.

You go out thinking you are just going to have a good time, and somehow you are also the safety net ... You're assigned duties you never signed up for but have to accept unless you want to be subbed.

Eventually she gets into intimate relationships. It's a different playing field, she is already used to being mistreated. A man who does a few bad things but still gives her kisses, apologises when he cheats, hangs out with her, always comes back to her, always chooses her is good enough.

All she ever wanted was to be chosen and to belong. Aligning with women only made her more resentful. She was used first by women before eventually switching sides and choosing what to compromise.

She has no problem belittling other women to increase her value for the male gaze. She was belittled first so how different are they from her. She's just looking to survive. It doesn't matter if she says ‘bad’ girls shouldn't get married to good men, or that men need to be submitted to and allowed to be "boys".

It doesn't matter if she raises her boys to be toxic because she believes male power is the only stable currency she has ever known. She endures her sham marriage because at least she's provided for.

She accepts to be a baby mama because at least a man saw her worthy to start a family with her and she really believes she's a good girl, that being good buys her protection from being a single mother, that having children within marriage protects her from single parenthood.

In essence nothing is promised. Not belonging, not security and certainly not being picked. Women alienate other women over and over again then act shocked when the alienated women pick men's interests over and over again.

Before you shun another woman because she doesn’t fit your aesthetic or your vibe, ask yourself: Are you creating another bird? Or are you preventing one?

Disclaimer: This is just one way to look at it, from my perspective. Different circumstances can come together to create any archetype.

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