Hi, I'm Topo. I opened my blog on 05-03-20...
Just posting to exercise my brain a little bit. I don't wan't to title this post "pregnancy week 13" because I don't want to find it again anytime soon. There's a time in pregnancy when you blood volume raises to carry more oxygen (because baby needs it too). Well, this time is now, and and all this new blood dilutes my meds. Guess who's back? Borderline personality disorder. This bitch has been…
Current stage of pregnancy: week 12 GA; week 10 FA; 12,5 cigarettes since the beginning of pregnancy Baby update✴ We're almost done with week 12. I think I finally have a bump. The fold between the belly and pubis area is filling up, my lower abdomen is kind of pointing out. It's finally time to buy some new clothes. I couldn't find pregnancy clothes without lace, stupid shit written in the front,…
A rant, again. I've been navigating (un)employment as a disabled person for 6 years. There are a lot of public disability programs for adults in my country but most of them are inefficient, to be honest. I'm so tired of being swung between programs and counselors. You spend 8 months filling forms and proving you're worth it and having meetings with a million people and then nothing happens . You…
Current stage of pregnancy: week 11 GA; week 9 FA; 12 cigarettes since the beginning of pregnancy Nausea is back. We're in the middle of the 11th week and so far is has been a ride. I've felt nauseous for a few days, I've had mild migraines, I'm tired. It's really hard getting enough nutrition in my body everyday because the smell of food makes me nauseous. I also experienced sharp pain in my…
I feel like I'm closing a loop. A 6-years-long one. I want to make art again. Finally! Let's go back to where it began. sept 2020: I get my diploma in costume design from a high-ranking art school. I'm ill and severely burnt out . While most of my peers get a job in live arts, I move to a smaller town and decide I'll never put a foot on a theater floor again. oct 2020 - may 2021: I live off my…
I wrote a post about our future baby. In a part titled where do I put my baby when it's not latched on my boob? , I wrote this: We decided to get a second-hand bedside crib for the first six month, as well as giving baby extensive floor time. We may need something else though, as there will be time we will need to restrict baby's movements when it's not in his crib. For example, my husband would…
Current stage of pregnancy: week 10 GA; week 8 FA; 9 cigarettes since the beginning of pregnancy Things are getting real. We bought our first baby item yesterday, a baby carrier that happened to be on sale. This is the kind of carriers that look like a backpack, not a wrap. I think it's kind of cringe for white people to carry their baby in wraps. African moms have been ostracized and mocked for…
I need to get out of apathy/depression mode! Lately I didn't have stamina for anything but laying on the couch all day and staring at the ceiling. It's ok, there's a lot to process right now and at the same time I've been waiting for admin answers for ages. I'm still stuck in the admin limbo regarding money, online schooling and disability benefits, but I can't wait for the government to help me…
Tonight I had on of my self-pity episodes titled "I tried so hard my whole life yet I'm still fucking unemployed and lost at 30" . I'm not proud of this one but it's a thought I often have. As I tried to climb out of that hole — again, I wondered what this feeling is exactly. It's like feeling lonely in a room full of people. It's like being dumped in a world with the wrong tools, the wrong map…
Current stage of pregnancy: week 9 GA; week 7 FA We had our first imaging done. The baby is alive and well attached, heart is beating, everything's good. Turned out my mild bleeding wasn't an hematoma, nothing's to worry about. Seeing the baby on the screen made me realize it's really happening. Finally, we told our parents we were having a baby. I think my mom's having an existential crisis, but…