SPECIMEN #013: Solanum ritualis (The Sacred Tuber: Or How to Sell Someone a Potato for £47)

Classification: Ancient Wisdom Merchant / Tuber Mystic / Selective Historian Habitat: Goop-adjacent newsletters, "conscious nutrition" Instagram accounts, wellness retreats where the food is both sacred and the portions extremely small Diet: Longevity anxiety, the romance of ancient civilisations, and the unexamined assumption that anything old enough and far enough away must be doing something…