Open Sesame - I Now Have to Ask My Internet Router to Give Me Internet

I have a problem. It’s 11 PM, I tell myself “just five more minutes of Reddit” and suddenly it’s 2 AM and I hate myself. Sound familiar? After years of failing to fix this with willpower alone (spoiler: willpower doesn’t work against billion-dollar engagement algorithms), I decided to solve it the only way I know how: by overengineering the hell out of it. The result? My router now interrogates me…