Local Man Pens 1,400-Word Elegy for Complimentary Snips Attached to Garden Wire He Never Intended to Use For Its Intended Purpose

I did not want the garden wire. Let the record show this plainly before gods and algorithms alike. I am not, in this moment, seized by a holy hunger for sixty-six feet of soft plant tie. No vine called to me. No tomato cried my name. No cucumber tendril reached from the earth and begged for training, support, or gentle redirection.