Who Stands Behind Ambitious Women?

This week my book, The Ambition Penalty: How Corporate Culture Tells Women to Step Up—and Then Pushes Them Down, officially launched into the world, realizing an ambition nearly ten years in the making.

(See me geeking out after seeing the incredible window display at the Upper West Side Barnes & Nobles in NYC below. Reminder, I’ll be there tomorrow night (May 21st) hosting a LIVE book launch event. Get the details and RSVP here).

This launch process had me thinking a lot about that saying: behind every successful man is a woman. And even more about the data I came across researching this book that show the reverse is not true.

Behind every successful woman there is rarely a man holding it all together emotionally, mentally or literally so that she can go after her own ambitions in the same way he gets to.

If you already have your copy of the book, see Chapter 10: Who Gets to “Have it All?”: The Real Work-Life Balance Lie for more on the research (and if you don’t have your copy yet, you can take a pause right now to order your copy.) But today, I wanted to take a break from the data (since you can get plenty of that in the book) and reflect on the question it begs… who does stand behind ambitious women?

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Consider this conversation I had with a woman named Julie. Julie was in the process of getting an entrepreneurial venture off the ground when I interviewed her for the book. It was years after she’d already been pushed to scale back her full-time career to manage the demands of primary parenting two children: “There are tons of [business] events happening in the evenings that I would like to go to [...] Guess what? My husband’s working late that night or I have to get the six-year-old to basketball practice that night,” she told me.

“I try to call my village whenever I can. We try carpooling. I have moms I can call if I need to leave town and grandma can’t help out and my husband’s working, but I try to sort of save some social capital for things that I really need, so a lot of that kind of networking falls by the wayside because other things end up taking precedence.” said Julie.

I couldn’t help noticing how in Julie’s back-up plans or even her back-up to her back-up plans, there was almost no mention of men — be they fathers, grandfathers, or the dad next door — who could be counted on to provide any comparable level of care, even though it was their own family (or community), too. Julie’s reality (at least on this measure) is not unusual.

Men’s ambitions are not only routinely supported (if not enabled) by women, the data suggest that often, they come at the direct expense of women’s.

And so the question inevitably follows… what do we do about it? While The Ambition Penalty is dedicated to answering this question with data-backed policies, actions and interventions, today I wanted to talk about this question more personally.

Because, while I can tell you that statistically, it’s women who stand behind ambitious women, what I really want to do is celebrate just some of the many, many women who’ve stood behind mine….

My book launch day kicked off with Erin Lowry, my first in-real-life internet friend, who called ahead to book stores all around our New York City neighborhood to see where my book was in stock and planned out a route so I could kick off the day with book sightings and signings while Erin (a four-time author herself) acted my as photographer, videographer and cheerleader.

Later, I caught up with my friend Amanda, whose best-selling book How to Be a Rich Old Lady came out in January. Not only has Amanda also taken on the not-to-be-underestimated work of being my hype-woman, she’s emcee-ing my book event (RSVP here). We talked through the event plan, what (if any) props we need, and came to terms with the reality that I will probably not get to any of it before Thursday, so Amanda is (again) taking the lead for me, as she has so generously throughout these last few weeks.

Hearing that my book event could not be scheduled on the same day as my book launch, fellow author and founder of The Financial Diet, Chelsea Fagan, made sure the day did not pass without a proper toast to celebrate this milestone moment. And that was just launch day….

As mentioned, this project has been about a decade in the making. And there are two people who were there from the moment it started.

Even though they both live on the opposite side of the country, I get to see them today because they have flown to New York City to celebrate with me (no pics yet, but here’s a fun throwback!)

Kristin Wong, the genius writer behind the Untranslatable newsletter (as well as some of your favorite Hidden Brain podcast episodes), helped me craft my earliest, messiest, unformed ideas for The Ambition Penalty into something coherent enough to pitch into a column — a column that went viral and led to the years of reporting I did for this book. I have been able to call on Kristin’s insight, thoughtfulness and friendship every step along the way…

And Emma Pattee’s. You might know her as the author of the hit novel, Tilt, but I know her as the woman I called up ten years ago because I liked her writing on the internet….and I haven’t wanted to stop talking to her since. I don’t know how I got so lucky for her to feel the same way about me.

It is not an overstatement to say that this book would not exist without them and I would not be the person who could write it.

I could go on and on and on…. there is any army of women who made this ambition possible for me to realize — those who blurbed my book, interviewed me for their podcasts and newsletters, worked on the editing and publicity and other behind-the-scenes essentials, shared the book with their friends and followers, connected me with other people they think should read it…. MY MOM…

The point is, the process of realizing an ambition is the process of realizing a community, and I am indebted to the one that powered this project.

AND if we want to get serious about creating a world where women’s ambitions are equally celebrated, supported and rewarded, we’re all going to need to follow suit and get really good about showing up for each other.

THE AMBITION PENALTY: How Corporate Culture Tells Women to Step Up — and Then Pushes them Down is OFFICIALLY OUT IN THE WORLD!

The most valuable way to support me, this book and this message is to order your copy (or two, three, four….) this week. And if you love it, leave a 5-star review ASAP on Amazon (and goodreads if you use it) because it really helps other people find the book.

There is so much more to share (and stay tuned, because more is coming), but in the meantime, I have been appreciating every sale, review, share and RSVP for our NYC event (again, it’s tomorrow night, join us)!

I’m so thrilled to be working toward a world where women’s ambition is celebrated, supported and rewarded alongside all of you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.