you don’t need another new year resolution

hi hi i’m tobe, and i’m not exactly sure why i’m introducing myself, i think it’s the weather or me, it’s been awfully cold and i’ve been awfully optimistic and even though i know i wouldn’t post this link anywhere i feel the need to introduce myself,. hey i’m tobe and the thing is i’ve been ‘tobe’ for a very long time. infact everytime i’m reminded that over the years i’ve acquired a following on social media i’m instantly shocked, like damn how did i scam everyone into thinking i’m this young cool guy? i’m not sure but i guess i did it.

it’s my last night in cape town and i’m drinking an espresso martini and eating a large bowl of chips, i’ve realised i don’t really like alcohol but occasionally i’d take it, i spent my younger years convincing myself i liked it as an act of self rebellion… my dad has never drank alcohol (so he says) and i awkwardly don’t want to be like anyone else so i feel the involuntary need to constantly create my own path, everytime, everyday, all the time, but yeah i don’t really like alcohol.

btw this espresso martini! damn.

but you want to know what i do like? cape town.

everytime a local asks me how i’m enjoying my stay, i don’t want to simply say i am ‘loving it’, i like to pause and hear their voice, hear the soprano or the baritone, hear their intention wait for a follow up hunh? or ‘hmm’… depending on their mood, before i shyly say ‘it’s okay’

maybe because i’m too afraid to say i’m having the best time of my life.

maybe because everything i’ve loved, i’ve lost - so now i try not to love.

i’m a lot of things that i’m not but i’m also learning i’m becoming a lot of things that i want to be.

yesterday i said ‘hi hi’ (between you and i, i think i even added good afternoon) to the caucasian guy in the elevator and when he didn’t reply i simply stopped at my floor and bounced to my room.

why?

it didn’t change the N17,300 that was remaining in my account so why should i bother?

in my head i thought ‘ugh, how sad that he didn’t hear me or how terrible a day he must be having’

and if you’re sitting reading this and wondering.. what if he did hear you? but also what if he didn’t? it’s so easy to assume the entire worst of people. it’s so easy to be the worst, because when you think the worst of people, subconsciously you become the worst.

how unkind is it to simply not like someone or to not give them grace.

i want to be given grace so i’ll give grace (and between you and i again… even if no one gives me grace, i don’t care, being me is all the compensation i need)

now that we’re here, and you’ve come this far, i want you to pause and introspect, why do you think you need yet another new year resolution? yes you. every year you’ve come up with a theme, a mood board, a new version of you and surely that’s not bad but at what point do you stop changing and start refining?

last year i wanted to be meaner, stricter, sterner and so january of 2025, i was a mess, flinging no’s like david’s slingshot my ‘goliath’s head’ being the hearts of everyone around me. it fizzled down by february, why again? because it’s just not who i am (not my inability to say no, that one is a psychiatric problem and i should be checked real quick) but me trying to be wicked. what did i do instead? i left people who had to bring out that side of me. today i’m in the mall shopping and someone asked what do i do when people make unkind jokes or jokes rooted in bigotry and i had to think really hard before i paused looked at him and said ‘i don’t know’ that’s it, i don’t know…. because at the first instance of that stupid joke, i’m out of there, you wouldn’t know my opinion, why? you no go even see me again, i think that’s more of who i am, me.

refinement.

it’s not the new year that makes the new you, it’s the you that makes the year new. when you think about it critically what does ‘new year new me’ even mean? there’s so much of my old self i’m proud of; the me that stayed silent when i was treated like shit, the me that hid in eko hotel’s bathroom changing outfits so i can take pictures and ‘finally’ be an influencer, the me that took night bus so my parents wouldn’t know i was in lagos hustling and even the me that hated myself.

why?

because in the means of hating myself i learnt there would be people who would hate me more than i can hate myself but i don’t know that anyone can ever love me more than i can love myself and that healed something in me, a quiet vindication that truly i didn’t have to be my own worst enemy just to validate my own existence.

so maybe this year instead of ‘new year, new me’, think- last year was amazing, i was strong, and i kept my body alive, and that one time i stood up for myself felt great. ask yourself what do i want to do more of and less of? kiss your hands and your legs and look in the mirror and give your self a secxy smooch, you think it’s easy to be you? do you not know what you’ve gone through?

if na me i for don die o. i no go lie give you.

there’s also so much of you waiting to come, this year just live. how about that?

lots of love from your tobaby,

i hope you’re having an amazing evening my lover.

but before i forget- how is your day going jor.

ewo before i forget i carry 54k go buy body spray o, because the mad man that was my sales associate just dey talk and na very nice boy, i con gats buy am, e pain me o but i’m my defense i’ve wanted that body spray for a while and i’ve decided i too am worthy of the finest things in life, i might complain about buying it but let it not be a mistake that it’s a reflection of my worth, bye again my love.

(Ps- if you’re the sales associate reading this, pls you’re not mad.. no mind me)