The Love Stories We Tell

I’m currently reading Funny Story by Emily Henry. And it’s a typical love story. You know, girl meets boy. They start dating, “fake dating” (in this case, to make both exes jealous). Girl falls in love. But, wait. He’s her roommate. She can’t date him (extenuating circumstance). There’s also a lifestyle clash. She needs stability, he is spontaneous. Thinking things will not last long-term, she plans to leave. But then she realizes she’s making a mistake. She needs to let go of her fears, and be with the person she loves. And this is the general arc of the modern romance. In the end, there must be a renunciation of all doubts, a sweeping declaration of love, and maybe a dramatic run to an overcrowded airport.

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I’ve always been awed by the power of stories. On one hand, they’re entertainment. When we’re young, we hear fairytales of witches and monsters. And yet – stories have power. “Going to college and getting a successful job” is a story that some parents tell their children early on. And some parents don’t. Even more powerful are the stories we tell about marriage. These are stories that have evolved over time. In the past, there were stories about how to secure the status of your family by marrying someone of equal or higher status. Now, all the stories are love stories.

The theme of most romances today is a kind of inevitability, like gravity. It’s a story of both people trying to escape the inevitable, until the moment when they accept – and allow themselves to fully enjoy the path that is theirs and right for them. And I love these stories. I love when two characters, who I become invested in, realize that, despite their best plans, they have fallen in love with another person and they want to get married.

But what happens – when the reservations really were correct? They really did have a lifestyle clash that would lead to problems down the line. They really didn’t see eye-to-eye on children. What if they loved each other deeply and profoundly and were each other’s soulmates – but couldn’t live together? Is that a story worth telling?

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Recently, I’ve been fascinated with stories about exes. Particularly, exes who tried valiantly to make it work, and couldn’t, and still love each other. There’s a quote from Modern Love.

My best friend has an ex of 10 years who is like family to her. She no longer wants to be with anyone who won’t accept his presence in her life…she and her ex are no longer romantic — but she wants to keep this unconventional attachment. He is her know-self; he is invariable.

I think about Ben and Agnes Callard, who divorced, and still live together, and who moderated a UChicago session on divorce. Ben Callard points out that, in a normative way, the marriage “failed” because they entered marriage intending to stay together until death – and that did not happen. It is a normative failure. And yet, neither of them considers the marriage a failure.

I think about Before Sunrise which is a Richard Linklater film about two people who spend one full day and night in Vienna together, and after, leave their separate ways. They have 24 hours with each other to enjoy the fantasy. As the movie progresses, they begin to know enough about each other to fall in love but not enough to fall out of it. The film ends with a goodbye and yet the relationship does not feel like a failure. They will remember those 24 hours for the rest of their life. (And yes, they did make further movies where the characters get together. But I like the premise of this first movie as a stand-alone. That there is no long-term, they are in two different countries at two different parts of their life, but they can make this one night matter).

And lastly, I think of B.J. Novick and Mindy Kaling. Who were together and not together and then best friends for 20 years.

Glamour asks B.J., “You and Mindy have such a special relationship. What advice can you share with us for why it works so well?”

And he responds, “I think Mindy and I have broken every rule possible”, “and still have maintained a connection”. And I think about this a lot, because Guardian is asking him for advice on how to be so close with someone you previously dated. And he’s saying basically, despite their best intentions and even the failures of their best intentions, their relationship is what it is. It’s a story of inevitability, like gravity. It happened because it was meant to happen. And that, to me, is a love story.