I found Dr. Becky's definition of a boundary very helpful:
Boundaries are what we tell someone we will do, and they require the other person to do nothing.
To illustrate this point, she talks about her son getting in an elevator and pressing all the buttons.
In the first example, she says to her son before getting in the elevator: "Don't press all the elevator buttons! It's annoying and disrespectful to other people."
Her son then goes ahead and presses them all anyway.
She points out that saying "my kid doesn't respect my boundaries" here is actually wrong, because she never set a boundary. She made a request.
In the second example, she says, "When we get in the elevator, I'm going to stand between you and the buttons. And even if you lunge for them, I will stop you." Then she'd actually physically be ready to block him.
That's a real boundary: she's telling him what she will do, and it doesn't require him to do anything.
On a similar note: saying "we don't do X" actually gives away your authority. The stronger language is "I'm not going to let you do that."
When you make requests and call them boundaries, you are giving away your power. A true boundary restores your power and protects your connection because you (theoretically) end up not yelling out of frustration.
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