Ugh, I've Been Shopping

The snow has almost entirely melted, the days are getting longer, and last Sunday I stared into my tiny walk-in closet and momentarily thought about pulling everything out and sorting my clothes. Things were looking rather cramped and crowded. I resisted tackling the chaos. It’s not yet time to do the seasonal switch from winter to spring clothes. It’s only March, we’re experiencing “fool’s spring”, and we might go back to snow and freezing temperatures in the coming weeks.

The reality is, though, that my wardrobe is looking awfully messy. I’ve bought fewer things in the past couple of years and I’ve let go of a lot of my old clothes, but right now it’s not exactly showing. I still have a lot of clothes. I hold onto clothes I hardly ever wear, and my closet space isn’t getting any bigger. On top of that I’m still buying new (old) things.

It’s only March, and I’ve already bought eight things this year. I’ve bought a long sleeveless viscose velvet dress from the 1990s, a black wool skirt from the 1940s (how many black skirts does one person need?), a black linen top, a pair of 1950s black lace-ups (how many black lace-ups does one person need?), a Karelian sarafan and a folk costume blouse, and a completely bonkers pair of 1940s jodhpurs. I also did a clothing swap with my friend Noora and acquired a beautiful black jacket from the 1930s. I didn’t need any of these things but I got them anyway.

What’s worse, I’ve been going through my vintage shop’s inventory, feeling bad for unsold gems, and taking them home, thinking that someone (perhaps myself) should wear them. I try to not mix my own wardrobe with my shop too much (for accounting reasons, if nothing else), but I’ve been dabbling in it recently. It’s probably because I keep craving something new. My style isn’t going through a shift though, and it’s just anxiety in my bones, and all the crap going on in the world, and wanting that quick hit of dopamine. The stuff from my shop’s storage feels like free clothes. The clothes that haven’t sold are just hanging there on the racks in the backroom. They’ve all been paid for in the past. It’s too easy.

Under this pretense of “not-actually-shopping” I’ve recently brought home a cream color silk knit t-shirt, a black silk knit tank top, an off-white Marimekko wrap blouse/jacket with black piping, a black midi-length long-sleeve 1990s viscose dress, a fascinating 1980s raw silk dress, and a black leather satchel. All in all this is a lot of stuff. Yikes. No wonder my closet looks so chaotic!

I’ve been down this path so many times in the past: spiraling and acquiring too many things too quickly. But it’s been a while. For the last two years I haven’t really felt like this at all. The distant echo of buy, buy, buy sounds familiar and uncomfortable, I know it too well, and I have no interest in it. It’s time to pull the reins and breathe. I am repeating the following as if it were a mantra:

I have many nice clothes already.
I’m not bored with what I have.
I love my clothes.
I look forward to wearing my favorite spring and summer things when the weather gets warmer.
I don’t need any more additions to my closet right now.

All I really need is a pair of black sandals for the summer, but I’ve had trouble finding ones I like. There are too many buckles, too many straps, weird details, ugly stitching, unfortunate soles… Seriously, what’s up with these awful shoes? I ordered a promising pair this week, and if they fit, I will not buy any other stuff for a while. I will allow something truly special if the moment is right (and let’s face it, I will know if it’s right) but that’s it. Wish me luck.

In other news, well, not much is new. I’ve been watching some old costume dramas (among them, BBC’s Vanity Fair from 1998 and Visconti’s Death in Venice from 1971) and listening to NTS’s fabulous late 1990s / early 2000s Japanese ambient and electronica mix. I finally saw Guillemo del Toro’s Frankenstein and thought that Mia Goth’s costumes were very exciting. I rewatched Grey Gardens again. I’ve planned to read, but haven’t. My husband got me a copy of Vance Packard’s The Waste Makers (1960), which I’ve wanted to read ever since I first heard about planned obsolescence, but I haven’t started it yet.

I tried to keep up with fashion weeks but found most shows too tedious to spend my time on them. It makes me sad because I don’t want to be a fashion hater, and I used to get so much inspiration from watching the runways. It’s hard to feel inspired when I don’t like the clothes and I don’t like the vibes. It’s all so empty, and the latest creative director shake-ups in the big fashion houses don’t seem to be producing anything worthwhile. Then again, I am not exactly a fashion customer, so my opinion on these things hardly matters.

Still, thank goodness for Haider Ackermann at Tom Ford! If I was cool, collected, sexy and rich, I’d buy those clothes in a heartbeat, but alas, I’m a poor wool-and-linen-wearing menopausal goblin instead. But this happy goblin loves her clothes. She doesn’t need a style re-vamp or a spring update, and she’s embarking on a no-buy.