Capacity creates choice

I recently watched a video on TikTok in which the creator proclaimed that exercising was not the goal of working out (@bearded.ax.muscle). Living life was.

This creator highlighted that we were not doing squats solely to become better at squatting. Squats were instead a tool for developing the strength that would eventually allow us to get up from the floor after playing a board game with our kids, or pick up and carry boxes of holiday decorations as we prepared for the season or hike a trail in Sedona without our bodies dictating our experience. Similarly, cardio is not necessarily about becoming a better runner, although setting a new personal record or completing a race we’ve trained for can be immensely satisfying. Cardio is about developing the cardiovascular stamina and capacity that allows us to participate more fully in life without our body becoming a barrier or limiting factor. Exercise isn’t the goal. Having the fitness to support and experience the life we want is.

Well, the same can be said about self-care.

The term “self-care” is as prevalent as “boundaries”, “gaslighting” and “nervous system regulation”. And like those other three, self-care is often misunderstood and misapplied. Self-care is not about a prescriptive list of activities that will immediately eliminate stress or relief exhaustion. Self-care is about caring for ourselves in such a way that we expand our capacity to create and show-up in a life worth living. Understanding that self-care is a tool and capacity is the goal, can also enable us to shift from coping-oriented self-care to capacity-oriented self-care.

Now coping-oriented and capacity-oriented care are not opposites, and one is not better than the other. In fact both are necessary and one can actually support the development of the other. Coping-oriented care is often the appropriate response when we’re overwhelmed, have limited resources and need a practical strategy to get through the next conversation, the next meltdown, the next Zoom call or the next day. When we do not have the bandwidth to make a major change, it is self supporting to reach for a distraction, be it our phone or favorite comfort show. We may choose to compartmentalize to allow us to direct our limited energy and attention to a more pressing task. We may close our eyes, take a breath and softly encourage ourselves that we need only “get through today”. And sometimes that gives us the exact reprieve that we need. An issue that can arise from this patterned response, is that if tolerating is the primary strategy, we can find ourselves miserable at work, remaining in an unfulfilling or unhealthy relationship, overwhelmed in parenting and chronically exhausted. Coping may help us to survive the season or situation, but coping alone does not bring about change.

If coping asks, “How can I tolerate this?” Capacity-oriented care asks, “What do I need that would allow me to engage more fully in my life?”

And that question has the capacity (pun intended) to lead somewhere entirely different.

Coping-oriented care helps us to manage symptoms and situations so that we can remain functional. And that functionality can be as basic as distracting ourselves from distressing emotions with food, sleep, music or social media or taking a deep breath in effort to downshift our nervous system. In essence coping enables us to tolerate the moment. When what we have been doing to cope becomes less effective, we might consider adding a new routine. Yet, what if it’s not a new self-care practice that we need, but instead we need to be honest about what it is we are trying to accomplish. For example, if we notice that we consistently feel depleted after work, the answer may not be a new relaxation technique. Maybe we need to have a courageous conversation with our manager about the workload and expectations, or we may need to set and honor a boundary around our time, or we may need to consider a different position or career change altogether. Or, if we feel chronically anxious and find ourselves walking on egg shells in our relationship, we may not need a new journal to archive our thoughts. We may benefit from couples therapy to help us identify and change the relational patterns, or individual therapy to better understand and respond to our attachment needs, or expand our understanding of emotional boundaries and possibly deciding that we’ve learned what we needed to learn in this relationship and let it go. The care we give ourselves may temporarily offer relief, and we want to practice the type of care that creates sustainable change.

Coping-oriented care does work, but it was never intended to be the final destination. Coping carries us through the moment, and if the moment is actually a part of a pattern, we need to be purposeful in creating the space needed to change. Capacity-oriented care can create the space for more than just functioning. But for:

More connection

More creativity

More play

More rest

More pleasure

More presence

More choice

Coping is a short-term strategy designed to support us during periods of stress and overwhelm. However, coping does not always address the conditions that created the pressure or chaos in the first place. Capacity-oriented care is about expanding our internal and external resources to make space for us to take value-aligned action, to respond with more nervous system flexibility, to disrupt patterns that have kept us stuck and to embrace joy, pleasure and stillness when it comes.

Capacity-oriented care is also not necessarily glamorous. It may not look like having a curated relaxation room in your home, equipped with a mediation pillow, scented candles and ambient music to decompress after a full day. It may instead look like a space in your home where your back and feet can be supported, where you can steady your breath and turn your attention inward for a moment. Meaning this could totally be inside of your closet or on your bathroom floor. It’s not just about what you are doing to care for yourself, but why you are doing it and your hoped for outcome. Capacity-oriented care is about noticing and attuning to your needs early and often. Maybe you practice eating before you become nauseous, dizzy or fatigued. Maybe you prioritize a recurring rest routine before you feel exhausted or burnt out. Maybe you notice the sensation of irritability in your body and view it as a message or indicator of overstimulation or an unmet need and address it, rather than suppressing or exploding.

Capacity-oriented care also invites us to gradually increase our ability to tolerate and remain present during difficult experiences, be it uncertainty, disappointment, conflict or sadness. This could mean speaking to ourselves with kindness when we’ve made a mistake or had a setback. This could mean practicing grounding strategies to enable us to remain present during a difficult conversation or when communicating a boundary. This could mean holding ourselves gently when we feel sadness, rather than immediately looking for the bright side or slipping into nihilistic defeat. In short, capacity-oriented care makes S.P.A.C.E. through slowness, present awareness, agency, compassion and curiosity and community, and efficacy.

Slowness interrupts the urgency that keeps us reaching for immediate relief or reacting from fear, frustration or exhaustion. Present awareness helps us to remain connected to our internal experience and environment, so that we may respond with intention and meet our needs as they appear. Agency reminds us to notice where we have influence and take action ,even when we do not have control over the entire situation. Compassion, curiosity and community allow us to build shame resilience, approach challenges with a growth mindset and practice interdependence. And efficacy is the embodiment of self-trust and our ability to take meaningful action in our lives, rather than merely enduring it. The goal of these practices is to give ourselves more space and more choice. While capacity-oriented care does not mean that we have unlimited options or complete control of every circumstance. Capacity-oriented care expands our ability to see where we have influence and moves us from “I just have to get through this” to “What is possible from here?” Because healing is about more than just surviving the life we have been given, but recognizing that we have more than one way to respond.

• What are the ways I most often cope when I feel overwhelmed, stressed, anxious or depleted?

• What do these strategies accomplish in the short-term? Long-term?

• What have I been trying to manage internally that may require external change?

• What internal resources would help me to respond differently?

• What external resources, supports or accommodations might I need?

Excerpt from the book; Unapologetic Care: Expanding Your Capacity to Create a Life Worth Living

Photo by De'Andre Bush on Unsplash