How (and why) friendships change when you have a baby

A friend who recently had a baby reached out to me with a tender and hard question. I sat on the floor reorganizing my son’s clothes (how had he grown out of these already?) and listened to her voice message as she detailed a long-standing friendship and how it had come to an end recently. I heard her words and felt her pain myself. Finally, at the end of her message she asked, “did all of your friendships change when you had a baby?”

As I stacked up more too-small toddler clothes into a bin to put in the garage I thought to myself, unfortunately, yes.

Research tells us that social support is one of the strongest predictors of maternal mental health but many new mothers experience a friendship loss (or many!) and social isolation during postpartum.

I personally believe that social media makes this worse—we pick up our phones while nursing a baby or during nap time searching for connection. We put the phones back down feeling a little less isolated with a fresh hit of dopamine but we haven’t actually filled the deeper longing for true connection along the way. I noticed this in myself when I took long social media breaks. My reliance on socials was broken—but my loneliness became unavoidable.

When I listened to my friend’s voice message I felt the pain in her voice and I related to it. I remember after a friendship breakup with someone who I thought would be a lasting relationship well into motherhood, I sat back in prayer with God and sadly asked, “is there something wrong with me? Why does this keep happening?”

Thankfully—there is a reasonable answer as to why we lose friendships when we have a baby (and why some friendships just aren’t the same anymore.)

First, having a baby is an identity shift. Becoming a parent means lots of things change including our needs, our rhythms, and even our values. Some of those things could have been the glue that held certain friendships together. When my son was little he took a 10 am nap. That meant church at that time wasn’t a great fit for our family and we started going to an 8 am service. We had to switch churches to accommodate his schedule which meant a whole new social group. Naturally, our friendships shifted.

The values shifting is a harder one to pin down but often one that leaves us feeling off balance. Big transitions often force us to reshuffle our friendships. I had some friends who had babies around similar times as me but as moms we decided to make pretty different choices. In some friendships, this was survivable. One of my mom friends had a baby who just didn’t do a nap schedule. I was a nap schedule mom, so we often made plans based off of my baby’s needs. Sometimes, I gave up naps for my son to spend time with my friend or let him doze off in the stroller or in the car to prioritize seeing my friend. My friend and I made different choices around sleep for our babies but it wasn’t something we couldn’t get past.

Another friend was outspoken and opinionated about an issue that I felt differently about. Every time we were together it came up, and every time I felt hurt and alone. I wanted to support her in her motherhood but I felt like my motherhood was put under judgement and scrutiny anytime we talked. And it went even deeper because it was an issue that rubbed up against a bigger value I held. Eventually, I realized it wasn’t something I wanted to be around when I repeatedly came home feeling worn out and defeated instead of lifted up and full of life. I decided that friendship wasn’t for me anymore.

The transition to parenthood is also considered a major life stressor by family systems researchers. So, when you become a parent, how you can show up for your friends changes.

I had some friendships that I couldn’t pour into in the way I used to when I had my son. My son was exclusively breastfed, so I needed people to work around that schedule. Some of my non-parent friends were like, “just give him a bottle?” And didn’t understand that it doesn’t always work like that, and this was also a personal choice I’d made that was important to my new identity. Soon, those friendships naturally faded.

Now, I think about how stressed I was as a new mom (sometimes without even realizing it.) I needed a lot of support but didn’t have a lot to give—that can be hard to be around. The friendships that relied on me reaching out and showing up often fizzled out as a result of my capacity changing.

There is no shame in taking some time off when you’re in survival mode. One of my current closest friendships is with someone who took a massive break from our friendship while she was in survival mode. When her head was back above water, she reached out. She essentially said she needed some time to figure out her new rhythm and now that she had, she wanted to reconnect. It’s never too late to revive a friendship if you want to. So reach back out to the people you missed for a while and reconnect. It’s worth it!

I also think there are layers to friendship. Sometimes, a lot of the initial layers seem to be right but there’s something deeper that is off. It seems like we should be friends based on lots of shared values, being in the same season of life, the length of the friendship, and proximity, but something else can still feel off.

For me, I notice a sense of safety around certain people. Other times, it’s missing. As a trauma survivor it’s like little alarm bells going off in my head when certain things are said (or not said.) And I can’t connect more deeply with people who don’t share the emotional depth that I look for in friendships. There are some friendships where they will naturally be more light-hearted but to feel really seen and known, we often need to share our real stuff and really feel like we are not carrying all of our burdens alone.

So, yes, friendships will change when you have a baby. But no, nothing is wrong with you. Actually, you’ll probably integrate your new identity as a mother into your life and find you like this version of yourself. And when you do, you’ll start to find friends who fit that identity and lifestyle too. It’s hard and awkward at times but it’s worthwhile.

Grieve the friendships you’ve lost or that have changed. Stay open to new connections and friendships. Practice grace with friends who are in different seasons or suffering through survival mode. And when you have a chance, reflect on your own values and how they’re changing. Usually, when friendships shift there’s a value that’s shifting behind them.