How to disgrace our forefathers

Today is a historic day! In honor of the occasion, I’ve compiled a list of no-nos to avoid during your July 4th celebrations, lest our forefathers be disgraced.

1. Refuse to steal the Declaration of Independence in order to save it from unscrupulous British thief Sean Bean

2. Hang only one lantern in the church steeple when TWO are required to indicate an invasion by sea

3. Chew an exorbitant amount of tobacco right before boarding a carnival ride, and subsequently hurl on a crowd of unsuspecting merry-makers

4. Say that the 2nd amendment only applies to 18th-century muskets

5. Become disillusioned when you inevitably learn that the great heroes of our story were real people who failed to live up to their values

6. Sign your real name on the visitors log at historical landmarks instead of using a made-up one

7. Ignore the warnings of history

8. Consider yourself more enlightened than those who came before you

9. Let the worse angel of your nature break the bond of affection between you and your fellow Americans

10. Light your cigar before the Fat Lady sings.