Per the terms of our legal settlement, please let the below serve as my public and sincere apology for the emotional damage you sustained due to statements I made during the period of April 2027 to July 2027.
On April 1, 2027, I posted online that “It turns out that gun-nut Senator Martinson lives underneath the Maple Street Bridge, which explains why all his staffers look so tall standing behind him.” While this was posted on April 1, a common date for jokes and pranks known by many as “April Fool’s Day,” I nonetheless must correct my statement.
The truth is that Senator Martinson does not live underneath the Maple Street Bridge; that was a play on the idea that he is a troll. Also, public records show that Senator Martinson is a person of average height and that his staffers appear taller than average because the majority of them are members of his son’s and daughter’s college volleyball teams.
On April 7, 2027, after several of your staffers made comments under my April 1 post, I posted a video in which I reacted to these comments. In several of my responses, I apologize for having knowingly made false statements about you, including:
MY CLAIM: “Looks like Senator Martinson has a favorite member of the State Women’s Volleyball team, and now she’s directly under him.”
THE TRUTH: The commenter, a woman on your staff, was actually an assistant campaign manager, making her two rungs below you on your campaign’s organizational chart, and though she was promoted two weeks later and, in the year since you brought this suit, has been photographed kissing you while on vacation with you and your child from your first marriage, this statement was false at the time I made it.MY CLAIM: “Did Daddy send you to fight off influencers for him? Can’t he just get the gunmakers who fund his campaigns to do it?”
THE TRUTH: The commenter in question was your nephew, not your son.MY CLAIM: “Seriously, dude, you know the guy you work for is the antichrist, right?”
THE TRUTH: There is no definitive way to prove either that your staffer knew you were the antichrist nor that you are, in fact, the antichrist.
On April 20, 2027, I attended an event at Eastern Community College where you were presenting a number of scholarships for vocational programs in plumbing, auto repair, welding, and iron working. As I am a student at ECC, I approached you at the end of the ceremony and asked whether you could identify any of the tools that the scholarship awardees would be using in their trades, and when you said there were too many tools to mention, I showed you a mirror and told you “look here and you’ll see the biggest tool of the gun lobby!”
This was not entirely true, as there are many legislators who, in concert with each other, make up the biggest tool of the gun lobby. You are not, in fact, their “biggest” tool, and I apologize for repeating this statement multiple times both in online posts and in a dance remix of the statement for which I gave explicit permission.After the dance remix of my statement from #3 above entered the top 20 songs on the Billboard Dance Charts, I began selling t-shirts with a photograph of your head atop the handle of a wrench, with the word “tool” below, and the “t” in “tool” shaped like a semiautomatic rifle.
In truth, you are a typically-bodied male human being that does not have a wrench instead of a torso, arms, and legs. I apologize for mis-representing the shape of your body.
For all of these false statements made about you, I apologize.
This concludes my obligations under the judgement in Senator John Martinson v. Paul Marcus (2028).
Sincerely,
Paul Marcus
P.S. You used $47,000 of taxpayer money to sue me and all you got was this letter.
THIS COULD HAPPEN is a collection of speculative short stories based on the news, which itself these days scarcely seems believable. And yet here we are.
Want to read more totally ridiculous stories about legislators?
TP for Belarus
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September 2, 2025
There hadn’t been toilet paper in the women’s restroom for three months.
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