FundMyCause: Help My Neighbors Alan & Louise Cover the Cost of Port-a-Potty

During a rainstorm on Sunday, April 16, the side of my neighbors Alan & Louise Martin’s garage was splattered with mud and leaves that had gotten stuck in their gutter last fall. After the storm, parishioners from the local Baptist church driving by noticed that the mud/leaf splatter looked like it was the shape of the face of Jesus.

People started posting about it on social media and then cars started lining up on the street outside the Martins’ garage. Alan & Louise didn’t realize what had happened until someone knocked on their door to ask if about using the bathroom. They let a few people in to use the toilet and said they didn’t mind all the folks taking photos from their side yard.

I’ve lived next door to the Martins for eight years and they’ve always been super nice. They’re not church-going folks and don’t think the splatter was a sign from God, but they were all “live and let live” when it came to how everyone else was acting. Unfortunately for them, the town council here in Johnson, Alabama has an ordinance that protects religious art from “desecration,” and the church folks called the mayor about the splatter. He said it was definitely religious art, and the Martins could absolutely not hose it off. Even worse, the town council decided to protect the splatter even more by designating the whole garage a “City of Johnson Historical Landmark.”

Then the town council told Alan and Louise that, since they’re now owners of a Historical Landmark, they need to provide “access to a toilet for all visitors.” They even said they’d fine them if they don’t get the bathroom up to city code, which would cost a fortune!

The Martins are good people and I feel bad for them that they have to deal with the folks standing in their yard all day and asking to use the bathroom. Plus they’re retired, so this is very stressful for them. I tried to help by seeing if the town council would be ok with a port-a-potty, and they said yes. It’s $200 a day, but we figure it’s gonna rain again in not too long and the picture will get washed away, so a month is probably plenty. If we can return the porta-potty early, we’ll donate anything extra to Toys 4 Tots, which the Martins said they always like to support.

Just a note: I’m staying neutral on whether this is a real picture of Jesus or not. I’m just feeling bad for the Martins, that’s all.

Wow, it’s really cool that this got so popular! All the folks who donated and said they want to see the money go toward updating the Martins’ bathroom, though, I gotta say they don’t want that. They’re hoping the port-a-potty is enough, because they really don’t want strangers coming in their house all the time. It’s not a real museum or anything – it’s literally just a house. So, once we have enough for the month of port-a-potty, we’re going to shut down this FundMyCause.

Thanks a ton to the person who donated $6,000.00 yesterday! That was so nice of you, for real. I closed out this fundraiser and we’re going to donate the extra money at the end of the month to Toys 4 Tots, like I said. A lot of folks have written to say they want to donate more to put plexiglass on the side of the garage over the splatter, but that’s not what the Martins want. The picture will be there as long as the rain lets it be there, know what I mean? But thanks, seriously, everyone.

Some of you probably saw on the news that the Martins’ front door got vandalized a couple days ago by someone mean-spirited. They’re also getting lots of very nasty messages put through their mail slot by folks who are upset that they don’t want to protect the picture. We’re going to use some of the money y’all donated to replace their door and to put up a Ring Camera so people stop putting stuff in their mail slot. Come on, everyone – this is just a nice retired couple trying to do the right thing.

Thanks to everyone who donated. The Martins are out of town now visiting their kids because the noise and fuss outside was bad for Louise’s blood pressure. It’s supposed to rain on Wednesday, so hopefully this’ll all be over by then.

The city came and took over the Martins’ house. I don’t understand the law, but apparently the “artist” who “painted” the face on their house is being “protected” from “persecution” and the homeowners are not part of a “protected class.”

I’m out, y’all. This is crazy. Fundraiser closed.

THIS COULD HAPPEN is a collection of speculative short stories based on the news, which itself these days scarcely seems believable. And yet here we are.

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