A List of Approved Claims from the Political Pain Fund

1. The claimant, Roger P. Gilman, was driving on Interstate 94 in Chicago when local police pulled him over for a missing taillight which he had covered with a Make America Great Again sticker. During his traffic stop, a car full of young Hispanic people slowed and the passengers inside yelled “HAHAHA, cry more, MAGA [expletive]!” When Gilman got out of his vehicle to accost them, police rushed him and slammed him onto the hood of the car, where a charge of disobeying an officer was added to his ticket for the taillight. Gilman requests $1,220 to cover court costs and fines and an additional $87,000 for mental anguish.

2. The claimant, Kentucky State Senator Amanda Adams, has been targeted by radical left wing nonprofit organization Hungry Kentucky Kids because they disagree with her votes to streamline state funding for WIC and SNAP. As a result of the propaganda by HKK, Senator Adams has been accosted in her local grocery store on nearly every single one of her visits there in the last year, forcing her to rely on higher-priced premium grocery delivery services. Senator Adams requests an annual payout of $300 to cover the membership fees for and increased costs of using grocery delivery, and an additional $42,100 for mental anguish.

3. The claimant, Pastor James Williams, has served his flock in rural Montana for nearly 35 years, but when he left his hometown of Sheridan to visit a sick congregant in the hospital in Bozeman last December, he was shocked to have been told “happy holidays” by clerks in both the hospital reception area and the local Dunkin Donuts, where he stopped to get coffee before his drive back to Sheridan. After the rededication of the United States as a Christian nation in 2026, Pastor Williams was shocked and upset to have Christmas discarded by the “big city liberals” he encountered in Bozeman. Pastor Williams requests $1,776 to be donated annually to his church in Sheridan.

4. The claimant, Frank Daniels, lost his wife to a stabbing death on the PATH train from Harrison, New Jersey to New York City. His wife’s convicted murderer was forced to work at close range with a bowie knife due to New York’s and New Jersey’s bans against the purchase and transfer of assault pistols, which would have allowed the murderer to have operated at a longer range and thus would have given Daniels’ wife time to move, potentially saving her life. Daniels requests a one-time payment of $3,275,000.

5. The claimants, parents of 9-year-old Jane Doe, were allowing Jane to cut photos out of magazines for an art project when she came to them with a photograph of two women wearing bridal gowns and holding hands as they walked down the aisle. Jane had been told by her minister that only a man and a woman could be married, but this photograph led her to believe that two women could be married as well. Jane’s parents explained that God disapproved, and a long conversation ensued. Due to the upsetting limitations of the Comstock Act, Mr. and Mrs. Doe request annual payments of $8,790 for the next 9 years to cover the cost of Christian summer camp for Jane.

6. The claimant, Madison Melrose, was denied admission to all five of her top choices for university in the spring of 2028. As a deeply religious homeschooled student, Melrose claims her essays in the Common App, which expounded upon theories of creationism and discussed at length the biblical arguments for modesty and sexual restraint; as well as the anti-Christian biased math and science questions on the SAT, were among the reasons for her rejections from Ivy League schools. Melrose requests annual payments for the next four years of $62,100 for tuition and room/board at an appropriate Christian university.

7. The claimant, Christopher Brewster, was a regular investor using prediction market apps throughout his time as an undergraduate student at The Ohio State University. When he was offered an internship with Congressman Luke Felton, he jumped at the opportunity even though it was unpaid. It was only after he accepted the position and turned down other offers that he discovered he would not be permitted to take part in prediction markets as a Congressional staffer. Brewster requests $10,200 to cover lost potential income for the one-semester internship.

THIS COULD HAPPEN is a collection of speculative short stories based on the news, which itself these days scarcely seems believable. And yet here we are.

Share

Want to read more about weaponizing the government?

Patriot

·

December 16, 2025

No one could hear a thing at the funeral. Though the war was long over, fighter jets were doing loops in the sky over the cemetery, low and loud, so low that it seemed impossible that there would not have been wind blowing the fall leaves into our faces. But the day had been otherwise hot and still, and it remained so as w…

or