June is Men's Mental Health Month

Every cause and condition have months for awareness-raising. It’s a lot for people to remember and generally only those for whom the cause is personal will get activated during the assigned month.

For me, May was mental health month. March is social work month. June is Pride month and Men’s Mental Health month. I could talk about any of these social issues, but for this week’s newsletter, I’ve decided to focus on men’s mental health.

About five years ago, a young man emailed me to ask if I’d come speak to his fraternity about young men’s mental health. Since then, I’ve spoken to three cohorts of these fraternity brothers about building community and a toolbox for emotional resiliency and mental wellness. I’m always grateful for this opportunity to plant seeds for this group who will eventually leave the brotherhood they’ve developed at the university and go into the world, usually in a male-dominated sector (engineering, business, medicine) and survive the world. I’ve seen more interest from young men in the last decade about improving their mental health. I hope this means that they’ll be more intuitive about the warning signs of mental health problems and seek help sooner. I hope this means that they’ll take better care of their emotional health and support friends and family to do the same.

As a suicidologist, I know that men die by suicide four times more often than women. When people ask my why this is, I’m prepared with a scripted response, one I’ve been giving for a decade because it hasn’t changed: first, men die more often because they use more lethal means (guns), and second, men generally still feel (and are social encouraged) that they should keep their emotions bottled up because showing emotion is “weakness.” What seems counterintuitive to this line of thinking is that if the hard thing to do is to be vulnerable and talk about how we feel, and it takes courage and strength to do so, then men would be more likely to do such a thing. But this is now how we’ve wired our men. And we need to rewire them.

For several years I worked with a research group that studied evidence-based practices for mental health disorders in veterans. Our service members are a good example of a culture of “anti-vulnerability.” To seek help for mental health problems or suicidal thoughts runs the risk of the service member losing the faith of their battle buddies that they can do their job, or they might fear their commanding officer will re-evaluate their status. They may worry about a change in MOS or a demotion in rank. Despite most branches of the service building in mental health and suicide prevention programming, the culture of disclosure fear unfortunately persists.

A similar culture is found in the trades. Six years ago, I was asked to deliver a talk to a large group of union trades folks, most of whom were men. The union president prepared me for the talk by telling me I won’t be accepted or well-received, but that he’s lost some workers to suicide over the years and it’s way past time to have an open conversation. I admired him for taking the chance on hosting me. After my talk, I left time for Q&A. The room was silent except for two people. The first person asked me questions and it was a woman. The second person, sitting in the back of the room, heckled me and cracked jokes. He said he “must be messed up” because “his wife hated him.” My heart knew that while he was trying to get the audience to laugh, this man was likely harboring some pain. After my talk was over, I looked for him to follow up privately, but he darted out the door. I still think about him.

My husband works for a large lumber and millwork company. Over the years, I’ve been aware of the mental health struggles that many of the men he works with face. I’m proud of how my husband talks out loud about mental health and supports his friends and co-workers, even when they’re trying to hide their feelings or deny anything is wrong. He’s developed an intuition (being married to me has likely helped 🙂) that has provided him a radar when someone isn’t doing well. He’s open about his own therapy journey and consults with me when he’s worried about someone’s safety.

My husband and I talk often about men’s mental health and the pervasive idea that getting help is seen as being weak. We talk about the pathetic mental health coverage offered with most benefits packages. We talk about the fact that most people cannot afford to take time off or to pay the exorbitant costs of seeing a therapist regularly. The system remains broken in more ways than one.

So what do we do? Collectively, what impact can we have on improving men’s mental health? As Father’s Day approaches, it’s the perfect time to figure this out together.

I envision a world where a father tells his son (or nephew, or grandson, or the boy that lives next door):

• That mental health is the same as physical health and it should not be ignored;

• Feelings are nothing to be ashamed of, just like arms and legs, ears and eyes, we all have feelings;

• When feelings get to be too painful, it’s time to talk to someone;

• Find a trusted friend to talk about your feelings with;

• Spread the word!

Between my husband and I, we have eight men in our immediate family. Collectively, we all believe in this world where men can be their whole selves, emotions and feelings included. This is where it begins: the culture of the family. This Father’s Day and this Men’s Mental Health Month, consider what you can do (regardless of your gender) to increase support for men’s emotional wellness. If you and/or your family have ways of talking about mental health, please share! Also, here are some resources to get you started:

Men's Health Month | National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)

MHM Toolkit 2024

Let’s Talk About Male Mental Health, Masculinity, and Sex | Psychology Today