Are big reactions needed?

Trying to do all your teaching in the moment of problem behavior

Adding more intentional teaching outside moments of problem behavior

I listened to a parenting podcast recently where the mother speaking was feeling conflicted. Her young toddler was having explosive tantrums, lots of thrashing and kicking and screaming. The mother was trying to be calm and sturdy during these episodes. She was holding boundaries (EX: not giving in and saying yes to the cookie), allowing feelings (EX: letting the child feel upset without being too harsh in response), and preventing her child from hurting others (EX: blocking kicks, moving her away from others).

She’d also been advised to avoid big negative corrections and yelling (EX: No! Stop! That is bad!) but worried this made her permissive. She wondered if her daughter was learning that it’s fine to kick and scream when she’s upset since she wasn’t being yelled at or punished in return.

The mother started to catastrophize a bit and say things like “is she going to be like this when she’s ten? Don’t I need to come down hard against this in the moment so she learns not to treat people this way?”

The podcast expert talked this parent through the typical advice: this is developmentally normal in a toddler, these aren’t willful bad behaviors, you’re doing all the right things, etc.

I nodded along, waiting for one crucial question to come up, but it never did.

Here’s the question I wanted to ask this mother: “What are you doing outside the moment to address the behavior?”

It’s really common for people to make the assumption that teaching better behavior happens in the moment, when we react in a big and negative way. But this often locks a parent into unhelpful patterns.

It’s not that scolding, yelling, and punishments don’t teach anything. Certainly if you get big and scary when your toddler is tantrumming—or when your big kid is calling you names, or when your teenager is talking back—there IS some cause and effect learning going on in their brain.

Here’s just a few things kids might learn from big, angry reactions if they are the main form of discipline: they are learning how much power their behavior has over their parent’s emotions and behaviors. They are learning how grown people go about taking control of someone else. They are learning that their struggle leads to a rupture in their secure base rather than support from it.

I think most parents want to teach better behavior. We want to teach about values and morality. About healthy relationships. We want our kids to learn how to respect boundaries. How to empathize with others. How to tolerate disappointment. How to speak thoughtfully.

Mindset shift: operating from a place of reactive and scary “DOs and DO NOTs and DON’T YOU DAREs and YOU’LL BE SORRYs” doesn’t teach these positive things.

• Side note 1: Are you going to have these reactions sometimes? YES! It’s human nature. Don’t obsess over perfection here. Occasional reactivity is not the same as thinking you need to use it on purpose.

• Side note 2: It is important for a parent to show they don’t accept harmful behavior. Boundaries are an essential component of effective parenting and children depend on our approval/disapproval cues. But let’s not make the mistake of equating a firm stance against a behavior with a scary reaction to it.

One reason big reactions aren’t effective teachers is a moment of escalation is the hardest time to instruct. Emotional brains just aren’t very teachable. If these escalated moments are the only time you’re trying to teach these bigger lessons, you’re working against your own goals.

Another reason is that using punitive reactions to show a child how bad their behavior was doesn’t teach them the skills they need handle the moment differently in the future.

If all we think about is what we want our child to stop doing (don’t hit, don’t kick, don’t bite, don’t scream, etc.) we’re forgetting that those behaviors have to be replaced with better behaviors that meet the same need.

Think about yourself: when you are so angry that you could scream and kick, you likely have skills that you turn to instead. Maybe you walk away from a trigger, maybe you set a verbal boundary, maybe you express your feelings with words, maybe you journal (or write angry emails that you then delete), maybe you call a friend to vent. Those are the skills and coping strategies that enable you to not kick, not scream, not bite.

If you feel concerned that your child isn’t learning these lessons, start teaching them properly.

Model. Demonstrate these skills your own actions.

Notice. Draw attention to these skills when they show up in others. Offer attention and praise when your child gets it right.

Talk about it. Converse about these skills at the dinner table and in the car.

Practice. Role-play moments where your child can practice better behavior.

Lastly, make your peace with the long journey of child development. Some behaviors are largely developmental. Not all behaviors can be eliminated overnight with lessons and role-plays and discussions; some have to be developed out of as well.

A teaching approach to parenting is not about instant gratification. Trust in the process!