quitting onlyfans and finding god

she found God!

correction: they found faith

correction: that thing crawling behind the bins last night claims to pray

sure I’m full of faith but I’m not very good at it

I try and find a flow with it, rapids licking my heels as I flail in seafoam

Sadhana becomes submission becomes masochism becomes transcendent

God is women as in derby & dykes

God is women as in boats and knives

God is women as in the burial grounds

Dadi warned me that this worship would eat me alive

But that’s my karma

My appetite

I think God is a dominatrix and I am her plaything

And I’m not just saying that because I’m biased

She broke open my pelvis and everything fell together and apart

Knots in muscle

Knots in a cord unfurling into ugly hope

I smiled at the ash

The clock tower I’ve spent a life climbing crumbled at the foundations

Lightning sparks. Screams

Singing Singing Singing.

Like a deer in the headlights

Who understands something that we don’t

Because when faced with time

It pauses to listen

“Who dares misery love, who hugs the form of death”

Who finds humanity in the unloved and the grotesque

She makes me kinder, sharper, wiser

A monstrous femme

Not your kind of “divine feminine”

Tell me something more feminine than shoulders and teeth

Where I’m from divinity is bearing weapons naked, dancing on battlefields

Mother ain’t proud

But Ma is

(happy april fools day)