Issue 83: Managing the household as a team

Julia is back (Two-Timers Club!) to bless us with guidance that we all need: how to have a conversation about household logistics with your partner… even if you are both dreading it. Thanks for giving us exactly what we need, Julia!

I joke with my husband that being married to a couples therapist must be like being married to someone who’s really into tennis. What initially may seem like an energizing way to spend a Saturday can quickly slide into obsessive Marty Supreme territory, if Marty Supreme were about actual tennis. Like, “No, I don’t want to play another round, it’s 10 PM.” As a couples therapist, I love thinking about capital-s Strategy when it comes to relationships, but I recognize that this may be an occupational hazard.

Don’t misunderstand me. I know firsthand that maintaining a relationship is hard work. It can be particularly challenging to muster up the energy to engage in what feels like the least sexy conversation imaginable: a logistics conversation. Never heard of her? Well, you know those random one-off texts you send your partner about life admin? Did we miss camp signups? When’s your mom coming over? Do you have time to go grocery shopping today? Instead of solving those piecemeal, a logistics conversation creates a dedicated time and place to handle them together.

As a therapist, I see it again and again. A couple sits across from me because they have “trouble communicating”. And in some ways, that’s true. But often, when we dig deeper, what’s actually happened is that one person has been handling forty seven logistical details quietly and alone. Soon, the fabric of the relationship starts to sag and tear under the weight of the load they’re carrying. After a while, they interpret this as evidence proving a crushing thesis: my partner won’t help me manage our shared life because they don’t care. That’s a lonely place to be. Not all relationship challenges start there, of course, but enough of them that it’s worth setting aside an hour a week to redistribute the load and feel like you’re on the same team again.

Before we get into guidelines, if you or your partner are not already on board, here’s my pitch. Realistically, you’re going to have a conversation about logistics no matter what. You can have it proactively when you’re both relatively calm, or reactively in the middle of an argument. Needless to say, I recommend the former. Ideally before the loneliness of carrying the load alone curdles into resentment in your bosom. [I tried writing that sentence without using the word bosom and it lost its spark; my hands were tied.]

Here are five guidelines to make logistics conversations easier and more effective:

1. Be consistent: Meet weekly. Decide exactly when and where (e.g. the blue couch on Sunday nights post-bedtime). Make sure you have enough energy to fully focus for about 45 minutes. Put away devices, except to check calendars. You can even try a cheeky working date night (may I recommend Yummy Kitchen in Hudson?)

2. Be prepared: Bring calendars, laptops, and a specific set of topics to discuss. You can’t tackle all of the things, so prioritize. Are you discussing the week ahead? Summer travel? When you’ll each exercise this week? Be clear that this is an administrative conversation and not a deeper emotional conversation about How We’re Doing As A Couple. If you’re having a hard time not going there, then acknowledge that and save logistics for another time; you can do one or the other, but not both.

3. Be generous: If you have at least one kid and one job between two people, you’re each doing a lot. So, start with gratitude. It sounds like, “Hey, I appreciated you taking on all the drop offs this week. I got to drink my coffee in peace before starting my day.” If you can start with acknowledgement of how much the other one is doing, it will go a long way— towards convincing them to do even more.

4. Be professional: This is the biggest psychological hurdle for most people. To make these conversations work, you’ll need to treat your home life more like your work life. Sure, come to the couch in sweats with a can of C. Cassis, but take this seriously. This is nerdy, but my husband and I have been known to email (you heard me, email!) Here’s what a based-on-a-true-story example could sound like (bold is one partner, italics is the other):

hey love, a few loose ends we didn’t get to:

• Friday 6/5— No school for Kid 2. How can we split up childcare? I can take the afternoon shift. Can you do the morning? I’m booked until 11.

• Saturday 6/13— So-and-so’s birthday party ends late. AirBNB or drive home that night? I’m fine to do a snooze cruise for the kids. Did you already get a present?

• June 24-26— Half days, ugh. Can you reach out to your dad, and I’ll reach out to [redacted because it’s the name of our babysitter — a closely guarded secret]? On it. Here’s hoping.

Sure, it’s formal, but also kind of intimate, right? To make it more playful (and ensure they read it), may I recommend a click-bait subject line like, “WE CAN’T STAY SILENT ABOUT SPIRIT WEEK” or “🚨WE’RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME: CAMP SIGN-UPS”

5. Be playful. Paradoxically, the more consistent these meetings are, the more room for play there is. End the conversation with a handshake and a “Pleasure doing business with you,” countered with, “The pleasure’s all mine,” and a wink. Don’t just keep it sexy; make it lewd.

Now, if your reaction to all of this is, “Must be nice, but my partner would never,” rest assured, you’re not alone (but you probably know that already). And, to be fair, I understand the resistance. At best, these conversations are boring. At worst, laced with resentment, anger, and hurt that can feel unresolvable. Just on the most basic level, who even has the time? That said, a few resources that can help open and guide the conversation: the Fair Play cards and book give you a shared vocabulary for life admin and a strategy for tackling it together. BetterShare, a mental load app, offers scripts for exactly these kinds of conversations. And if the resistance or resentment runs deeper, that’s what couples therapy is for.

So no, a weekly logistics conversation isn’t necessarily fun. And it can’t eliminate stress from your lives. But it can prevent a surprising amount of suffering and chaos. There’s something unexpectedly tender about sitting down and saying, “Okay, what needs doing, and how are we going to do it together?” Whether you hear that as a business contract or a wedding vow is up to you. To me, it’s a bit of both.

Julia Shield, LCSW, MAT is a couples therapist and clinical director at Iris Mental Health. She’s also the mom of two, ages 4 and 7, in Hudson, NY. If she’s being honest, she doesn’t particularly care for the TV show Shrinking but loves Dr. Orna.

In this section, we’ll share what we’re enjoying for ourselves these days.

[Julia] - I recently bought myself a shiny red bike, an experience that left me feeling far more pampered than a massage, pedicure, or any of the self-care activities marketed to Busy Moms. I was downright giddy as I took my new whip for a spin in the alley behind Steiner’s. If you need me, I’ll be zipping down the Empire State Trail towards Samascott’s.

[Ashley] - My family and I went to Northern California last week - traveling across the country with an almost 4 year old is not for the faint of heart (to be fair she’s a great traveler but I am, to put it lightly, exhausted). I had never heard of Sea Ranch, CA. Maybe all of our west coast and Bay area folks know of this place? It is magical. The Sonoma coast line is something else. If you can will yourself and your pocketbook all the way there, it is absolutely worth it.

[Genevieve] - I’m personally extremely psyched for the Shaker Museum Afterparty: The Shakedown at the Masonic this Saturday night June 27. Dancing, snacks and bevs, and an interactive installation with a sliding scale ticket price so that everyone can attend. Join me!

[Maddie] - All I want to do this summer is sit on a patio, drink saffron horchata, and eat aguachile. Thanks to my MIL, my husband and I got to do just that last week at Pez, the new coastal Mexican restaurant at Rivertown Lodge in Hudson. It was a lovely break from the many household admin meetings these days, though I’m noting Julia’s advice to make those feel a bit lighter.

In this section, we’ll share what’s making parenting small children more enjoyable these days.

[Julia] - Over Memorial Day weekend, we visited Storm King, which managed to check all of the boxes: art, adventure, nature, physical activity, and wholesome family time. We rented bikes (including tagalongs for the kids), completed a delightful scavenger hunt provided onsite, and ate a genuinely good lunch at the outdoor café. We’ll be returning for their family-friendly programming that runs every Sunday from May through November.

[Ashley] - This weekend I am taking my daughter to see Jeremy Nedd’s slidin’ thru at PS21. The show is free, on the former PS21 tent site and open to all ages. The work explores social dances of the 60s and 70s to foster togetherness through nostalgic sounds and movements. Open air, kid friendly dance is obviously right up my alley. If you’re looking for some adult-only time, he is also performing from rock to rock in the evening.

[Genevieve] - If you have seen my daughter recently, you know at first glance that she has had latex house paint (pink, to be exact) stuck in her hair for weeks now. I thought that daily shampoo and aggressive scrubbing would help, but no luck. I finally crowdsourced her daycare teachers and the internet, and made some serious progress with the combination of coconut oil followed by ungodly amounts of petroleum jelly. Massage vigorously. We are not out of the dark yet, but we may be experiencing hope for the first time in this journey.

[Maddie] - I’ve bought a horrifying number of kids’ water bottles in hopes of finding something easy to clean, plastic-free, and leakproof. This model from Planet Box has checked all my nitpicky boxes with barely any signs of wear after a year of daily use. Something about the silicone straw reminds me of Victorian coral teethers, which feels right.

Our local hospital, Columbia Memorial, is on the cusp of a significant downsizing, and as the place we’ve brought our kids when their croup-y wheeze is too much or experiencing any number of other childhood woes, we want to see CMH and the services it provides continue. Our community deserves local healthcare.

Here’s how you can encourage CMH to stay open:

✍️ Sign & share the petition to show growing opposition.
📧 Email CONS@health.ny.gov — tell the DOH to reject CON #252217.
📅 Join the rally at Columbia Memorial Hospital (Columbia Street side) on Tuesday, July 14, 6:30–7:30 PM.
📱 Follow & share @SaveCMHCoalition on social media.
💬 Send your CMH story — photos, videos, and memories — to savecmhcoalition@gmail.com

We live in the Mid-Hudson Valley and we’re keeping tabs on these (mostly family-friendly) events near us. If there’s another event you’d like us to share, please send it our way!

Summer Events

Thursday, June 25 - Labyrinth film screening at Wm Farmer & Sons, Hudson

Thursday, June 25 - Monday, June 29 - Upstate Art Weekend, various locations

Friday, June 26 - Western & Swing Dance Party, Kingston ^

Friday, June 26 - Clay Handbuilding (8+) at Galerie Zoe, Hudson

Friday, June 26 - Animals After Hours at Trevor-Lovejoy Zoo, Millbrook

Friday, June 26 - Saturday, June 27 - Real People, Real Stories, Ancram

Saturday, June 27 - Storytelling with Jason Vance, Woodstock

Saturday, June 27 - Saturday Socials at Seed Song Farm, Kingston

Saturday, June 27 - Shaker Museum Afterparty: The Shakedown, Chatham * ^

Saturday, June 27 - Hungry Heart pop up at Golden Hour, Kingston

Saturday, June 27 - Movies on Main, Poughkeepsie

Saturday, June 27 - Shenanigans Opening Party at Art Omi, Ghent ^

Saturday, June 27 - Sunday, June 28 - Cookbook Festival, Claverack

Sunday, June 28 - Pride 2026 Fun Run 5K, Poughkeepsie

Sunday, June 28 - Parenting in a Changing Climate, North Chatham

Sunday, June 28 - Banyard Bazaar at The Tin Barn, Germantown

Sunday, June 28 - Braids and Brews at The Common Good, Ellenville

Sunday, June 28 - Mushroom Walk at Opus 40, Saugerties

Sunday, June 28 - Hungry Heart pop up at 27 Cafe, Catskill

Monday, June 29 - Metaweave workshop (8+) at Galerie Zoe, Hudson

Tuesday, June 30 - Cookies and Draw Night at Galerie Zoe, Hudson

Tuesday, June 30 - Printmaking (2-4) at Galerie Zoe, Hudson

Wednesday, July 1 - Julia Turshen author talk with Virginia Sole-Smith, Accord ^

Saturday, July 4 - Fam Jam, Saugerties

Saturday, July 4 - Stateside Music Festival, Kingston

Saturday, July 4 - Saturday Socials at Seed Song Farm, Kingston

Saturday, July 4 - 4th of July Party at Deer Mountain Inn, Tannersville

Saturday, July 4 - Sunday, July 5 - Farm & Flea Summer Market, Hudson

Sunday, July 5 - Kids & Kin Orchard Yoga, Red Hook

Monday, July 6 - Metaweave workshop (8+) at Galerie Zoe, Hudson

Tuesday, July 7 - Annual Summer Party at Hudson Area Library, Hudson

Tuesday, July 7 - Baby & Me Forest Yoga, Red Hook

Tuesday, July 7 - Printmaking (2-4) at Galerie Zoe, Hudson

Starting July 7 - Catskill Mountain Music Together classes, various locations

Wednesday, July 8 - Forest Yoga, Red Hook ^

Wednesday, July 8 - Saturday, July 11 - Poughkeepsie Galleria Carnival, Poughkeepsie

Friday, July 10 - Poetry and Pasta-Making Workshop at The Spark of Hudson, Hudson ^

Saturday, July 11 - First Birthday Celebration at The Six Bells, Rosendale

Starting July 11 - 175th Celebration Week, Millerton

Saturday, July 11 - Sunday, July 12 - Tanabata Festival at Dassai Blue, Hyde Park

Saturday, July 11 - Sunday, July 12 - Vintage in the Hudson Valley Festival, New Paltz

Sunday, July 12 - Children & Families workshop at Storm King, Cornwall-on-Hudson

Wednesday, July 15 - Baby & Me Forest Yoga, Red Hook

Starting July 16 - Hudson Community Choir drop-in singing, Hudson

Friday, July 17 - Birthday Celebration at Cone Zero, Catskill

Saturday, July 18 - Summerfest, Chatham

Saturday, July 18 - Intro to Cyanotype at The Spark of Hudson, Hudson ^

Saturday, July 18 - PTEN’s Summer Soirée Fundraiser, Hudson ^

Tuesday, July 21 - Pop-up book workshop (8+) at Galerie Zoe, Hudson

Sunday July 26 - Parenting in a Changing Climate, North Chatham

—

Ongoing Events

Mondays - Songs & Stories at Ulster Public Library, Ulster

Mondays - Family Resource Center Playgroup, Valatie

Mondays - Tunes and Tales at the Red Hook Library, Red Hook

Mondays - Move + Nourish prenatal movement workshop at At Play, Rhinebeck

4th Mondays - La Leche League meetings, Chatham

Mondays and Tuesdays - Toddler Jams, Germantown

Tuesdays - Storytime with Robbie at Starr Library, Rhinebeck

Tuesdays - Family Resource Center Playgroup, Hudson

Tuesdays - Preschool Story Hour at Claverack Free Library, Claverack

Tuesdays - Tiny Tots at Palenville Library, Palenville

Wednesdays - Runs with Return Run Club, Hudson

Wednesdays - Kids Yoga at Woodstock Library, Woodstock

Wednesdays - Family Resource Center Playgroup, Valatie

Wednesdays - Dancing Connections and Baby Dance Club at Full Circle, Gardiner

Wednesdays - Music & Movement at Starr Library, Rhinebeck

2nd Wednesdays - La Leche League meetings, Hudson

Thursdays - Music & Movement Storytime at the Hudson Area Library, Hudson

Thursdays - Family Storytime at Kinderhook Memorial Library, Kinderhook

Thursdays - Family Resource Center Playgroup, Hudson

Thursdays - Wiggles & Words at the Red Hook Library, Red Hook

Thursdays - Adult Art Club at Super Stories, Kinderhook

Thursdays - Baby & Me at Claverack Free Library, Claverack

Thursdays - Baby and Toddler Playgroup at D.R. Evarts Library, Athens

Fridays - Tunes and Tales at the Red Hook Library, Red Hook

Fridays - Family Play and Hang at Starr Library, Rhinebeck

Fridays - Art Focus Fridays at Kinderhook Memorial Library, Kinderhook

Fridays - Music & Movement at Claverack Free Library, Claverack

Fridays - Story Time at Catskill Public Library, Catskill

Saturdays - Hudson Farmers’ Market (back outside!), Hudson

Saturdays - Art Workshop at Art Omi, Ghent

Saturdays - Art Nest at Wassaic Project, Wassaic

Saturdays - Bodie’s Lighthouse Lab at D.R. Evarts Library, Athens

Saturdays - Catskill Mountain Railroad train rides, Kingston

Saturdays - Free Maker Sessions at Super Stories, Kinderhook

Sundays - Community Group Run at Neighbor Running, Hudson

Sundays - Art Projects: Youth Painting & Drawing Classes (ages 4+) at Cone Zero, Catskill

^ = for adults

* = will likely sell out, so book soon