Before we begin…
Welcome to the first installment of Barb’s Two Cents. This is where I will be sharing my unprofessional opinion on the dilemmas of my readers. My qualifications include trudging through midlife, making my own mistakes and learning from some of them and my five gray hairs of wisdom. Should you be leery of the advice I give? Probably. But, here we are.
Without further ado, let’s get this shit show started.
Dear Barb,
I need your help. I have a cat that will only scratch on genuine leather furniture, never carpet or any other fabrics. I like having leather furniture because it wipes up so easily to clean up after pets.
Do I keep the cat or deal with thousands of dollars in lost furniture? We fostered then adopted her from a baby before she was weaned. We’ve had her for a year.
— Cat Mom
Dear Cat Mom,
Welp. You’ve adopted her and have had her for a year, so that makes her family. Cats (and family, for that matter) can be quite the arseholes. Yet, for some reason, we just keep accepting them for their flaws and loving them unconditionally while they continue to show us just how maniacal they really are. I’m not sure if that makes us good people or moronic people. Let’s not ask the cat, because we know what she’ll say (insert eye roll here). Although you may have to mourn your leather furniture every month or so, that’s better than mourning the absence of your cat should you serve her eviction papers. My only hope is that she will come to realize what a wonderful mother you are for tolerating her relentless behavior. She’ll never admit that she was wrong and she won’t regret a darn thing, but if she could at least look lovingly into your eyes when she scratches the next couch, it will all be worth it.
— Barb
Dear Barb,
How many pancakes is too many pancakes? And what is the best topping for them?
Sincerely,
Waffling in Wapakoneta
Dear Waffling in Wapakoneta,
I’m honestly not sure if I can count that high. On second thought, no such number even exists. You can have an infinite amount of pancakes for breakfast, lunch, dinner, a midnight snack and everything in between. Pancakes are sort of like cigarettes (although I don’t smoke and you probably shouldn’t either); you can have one with your morning coffee, while socializing with uninteresting people, during your 15-minute break at work, when you’re feeling stressed, when you’re bored af, just before bed and after hot and steamy/lackluster sex. There is no such thing as too many. There is only a such thing of not enough. Stack ‘em high, babe. The higher the stack of pancakes, the closer to Jesus.
As for toppings, I’m a basic gal; maple syrup and that’s it. But if I were to go crazy, I might add blueberries, bananas or sausage gravy to the mix.
— Barb
Dear Barb,
What time should one be fully dressed (out of PJ’s) on our day of rest? I need validation.
P.S. Do you like waffles?
With care,
A Carolina Cougar
Dear Carolina Cougar,
A day of rest is just that; a day of rest. Your energy does not have to be used for getting dressed. Stay in your pajamas. Or, better yet, strip down to your birthday suit and use your energy for doing mindless things like inhaling and exhaling and blinking. Put a Do Not Disturb sign on the front door and live your best naked life. Or, if you need to burn off some of that energy, go streaking through your neighborhood and then go home and rest. A cougar can do whatever a cougar wants to do.
I do, indeed, like waffles. But pancakes will always be my first love.
— Barb
Do you have a question for Barb’s Two Cents?
The advice that I give is based solely on my own experiences and opinions. You should take my words with a grain of salt (or a teaspoon of maple syrup). If you need professional help with financial, medical or legal things, please seek the help of someone who has credentials and plenty of five-star reviews. I am not a financial advisor, doctor, therapist, lawyer or professional anything.
To submit your question, put it in the comments below or send it by email to barb@midlifeandpancakes.com. Please don’t include anything that you wouldn’t want published. Questions may be edited for length and clarity. Names and identifying details may be changed or omitted. By submitting a question, you give permission for it to be published here on Midlife & Pancakes. Occasionally, I may decline a question if it isn’t a good fit for this publication.
I do not take responsibility for any bad decisions made after reading my two cents. I do, however, take 75% responsibility for any good decisions made.
— Barb
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