Freedom seeking and self-acceptance

Two Summers ago, I was locked at home with Covid and I was feeling it very suffocating, not only I was sick but the 40+ degrees outdoor and the heat indoor were making my days quite unbearable. It was during one of those miserable days that I stumbled upon International Nature Journaling Week and I decided that I wanted to become a nature journaler, a naturalist. And so I started a nature journal, I picked up watercolour again, sharpened my pencils and...attempted very hard to be someone I was not. For several months, I forced myself into sketching and nature researching and documenting every single trip at the park, even if I didn't feel like it. But I had to, because what kind of nature journaler would I be if I don't document my observations?

I wanted to become good at sketching, at painting, I wanted to want to study the nature around me, to learn all the bird names and sounds, to be able to name all the common flowers at first glance, I wanted to be like those people I followed and admired online. But what was the point if it didn't bring me joy?

Recently, I started to realize that I was doing all these things mostly because I was influenced by what I was seeing online without questioning myself and what actually lights me up. I was more attracted by the idea of it than the reasons why. After some soul searching, it turned out that most of the insects I spot still terrify me and I can't find them interesting and fascinating. I'd rather throw a spider out of the window than observe and sketch it.

I'm like this, it's who I am and I guess it can't really change. And I should be okay with that rather than forcing myself into some unfulfilling projects just to prove myself something.

I can still respect and love nature without sketching it. I can still love observing birds from my window without journaling about them.

I guess it's a matter of self-acceptance.

Some years ago, I remember reading an interview with Emma Watson saying that she had been keeping a journal since she was very young. At the end of every day, she added a new entry writing about what happened. Reading that and being the same age of the actress, I thought it was so great to have such a personal record of your life and I decided that I wanted to be like her. So I attempted to keep a daily journal.

Since I wanted to be a proper journaler, I tried and tried very hard to establish the habit and make it work for me even if it wasn't. I started a new journal, trying to make it a chronological record and then I started overthinking what to do with my other half used journals sitting on my shelf, as they wouldn't fit in with my new way of journaling.

But then it turned out that I'm a chaotic journaler, I go by stream of consciousness, to empty my mind, rather than chronologically, to record my life for posterity. As a matter of fact, I'd rather burn my journals than reread them.

It's still a work in progress but I hope that with age I will continue to gain some more of that self-acceptance that was completely lacking from my life a few years ago and that it's now making its entrance granting me some freedom. Speaking of, yesterday I participated to a Murder Mystery dinner with friends having a lot of fun and I didn't write about it in my journal, it's a happy memory that doesn't require any excavation and further analysis from me and that’s okay :)