Permission to Say No

There’s a saying that for everything you say Yes to, you’re saying No to something else.

The converse is also true. For everything you say No to, you’re saying Yes to something else.

And let me tell you, I’ve gotten to be really good at saying No.

I don’t know if I’d say I’m a people pleaser, but I like pleasing people. I’m not sycophantic and I do have boundaries, but I like making people happy. It took a bit to realize that saying Yes to every request might have temporarily made someone happy, but in the long run (and sometimes in the short run), I was doing a disservice to myself and to them.

It can be hard to say No, to turn people down. But there’s only so much time in your day/week/month/life, and you don’t know how much you have. Do you really want to spend it doing things that don’t bring you joy?

Granted, not everything you do is going to fill you with happiness. There are obligations and responsibilities and tasks that may not exactly be fun, but are necessary. Scrubbing toilets comes to mind. Paying taxes. The administrative minutiae that accompanies any entrepreneurial or professional endeavor. Unless you like that kind of stuff, and sometimes, I do.

But what really lights me up and sets my soul on fire is creating. Writing. Immersing myself in worlds both real and imagined and translating that experience through story.

I’m grinning just writing that.

One of the hardest times I said No was when I told my fellow authors I wasn’t going to publish a third Midwest Adventures book. Dedicated to museums, it was in the works. We had target deadlines and were starting to research. Some of us had started writing.

But every time I’d think about it, every time someone asked about it or we had a discussion in our private Facebook group, I’d clench up. I’d feel sick. I’d get downright angry. “I have an obligation,” I thought. I’d committed to it.

The year before we’d published Midwest State Park Adventures. It’s a wonderful book and we’re all proud of it. However, as the publisher, it took a TON of time and effort. Time and effort that meant I couldn’t say Yes to anything else. It was my sole focus for a month and a half, and I even roped my husband in to help.

When I thought about going through that experience again, I simply couldn’t.

I said No.

Oh, let me tell you–the relief I felt. My brow unfurrowed, my gut unclenched, and I could breathe.

Because then I could say Yes to my dreams. My goals. My happiness. *

Later that year I attended my first author conference. It was an intimate affair of about sixty people, and the lineup of speakers included authors whose podcasts I’d been following. I soaked up that knowledge like a sponge and made my first author friends.

The next month I bought my ticket for Author Nation, the largest conference in the US for independent authors. That led to my first weekend of book fairs the following summer, which led to being on stage with a seven-figure author in front of 1200 people at the 2025 event.

Indie Author Magazine publisher Chelle Honiker interviewed us and I shared a bit of my story. Because of that, I’m this week’s featured author in the magazine. (Squeee!!)

This year? Author Nation asked me to create and moderate a panel for nonfiction authors.

I said Yes.

And I am living my dream life!

Saying No is hard at first, especially when it impacts others. And you have to weigh what that impact will be. If your No will hurt someone in a material (or especially physical) way, then you’ll probably need to do whatever it is.

But your decision to choose yourself, to choose what brings you joy, is an act of self-determination that I truly believe can make the world a better place.

I thought about this last weekend when I was in downtown Chicago for the American Library Association Annual Conference. I didn’t go on Sunday. Instead, I grabbed my binder and notebook, found a shaded seat on the riverwalk, and worked on Diary of a Cockeyed Optimist.

I wrote about how cancer directly led to these incredible, delightful experiences. How it led to writing seven novels, to speaking, to creating a whole fantasy world (a series that will come out next year!).

It led me to stop going on press trips, to stop writing listicles, to focus on creating and storytelling.

It led me to a life of saying Yes to me and to my dreams. Now I’m living them.

By saying No to things that aren’t aligned with who you are and where you want to be, you’re giving yourself the opportunity to do what is. It’s not simple, of course, because of those obligations and responsibilities, so we can’t chuck it all and go skipping down that yellow brick road. But we can make one decision, and then another, and then another until we find out the wizard behind the curtain was us all along and we can choose a reality of joy instead of the illusion of obligation.

Cancer during the pandemic was a GIANT No for me, one I didn’t choose. So much I couldn’t do! My business disappeared! It took it all away.

Except it didn’t. I chose to write Living Landmarks of Chicago, and five years later, it’s still my bestseller. I chose to start writing a novel, twenty-five minutes at a time, and now I’ve published seven.

Start small. Say No to that acquaintance you don’t really like who wants to pick your brain for a cup of coffee in a cafe an hour away. You don’t have to go to that dinner if you’d rather rest. Start setting small boundaries.

Your time is valuable, and you get to choose how you spend it.

You have permission to say No.

One thing I’d love for you to say Yes to is following my campaign for Diary of a Cockeyed Optimist! If you liked this piece, you’ll love the book. It’s all about choices and giving yourself permission to live the life of your dreams, no gut-punch diagnosis required.

CLICK HERE TO FOLLOW!

(I’ve pushed the launch date from July 14th to August 18th, the six-year anniversary of my diagnosis. After my crazy June, I gave myself permission to say No to WAY too ambitious deadlines.)

And with that, I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

Happy reading,

Theresa

*The authors understood my decision, and one even called me to ask how I’d had the courage because she wanted to say No to something in her life. I told her I had to choose what was best for me. We all do.