Deep dives. Side quests. Storytelling. They say life always finds a way—and at this point in my life, I am starting to believe that our dreams will also f...
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Losing those six months made me realize that the strategy I have used for a long time cannot work anymore. I cannot keep balancing everything all the time — and it is not even my job to do so. And this applies to every part of my life. I have to step up for my dreams and desires. I cannot do it half-heartedly anymore. And I cannot afford to keep being the mediator from now on. First and foremost,…
Sometimes I think the rabbit hole cannot possibly go any deeper. But yes. It can. It can be so fuckin’ deep… Hidden doors, hidden holes, hidden… Pain. There is a question I never asked myself: why did I want to end my life so many times? My first suicidal thought came when I was 12 — or at least, that is the first one I remember. No. If I dig deep enough, I see something else. But I honestly don’t…
The harsh truth is that I cannot let myself down again. I spent years and years letting myself down over and over again. Living a life that was never meant to be mine. Carrying baggage and pain that were never mine to hold. I spent years and years trying to find my way to my dreams through a different, more strategic path. Because I saw no path in front of me that would let me go straight toward…
We can play hide and seek. For quite a long time. Really. We can run from ourselves. We hide behind humor, rage, detachment. Lying to ourselves until our lies become our reality – and they become our truth. But lies are just lies. We all want certainty, connections we can trust, people who are safe enough for us to turn to. Not for validation. Not for them to be extensions of ourselves. Not even…
It is time to admit that I am scared as fuck. I ran out of humor. I reached the point where I have no humor, self-irony, or sarcasm left in my pocket, and this is what causes my paralysis. I cope with humor. I always have. I hide my feelings, my pain, my doubts, my fears behind humor. It always helps me keep going, release the stress and tension. But I reached the point where I have to face the…
Have you ever sat a whole day or more absolutely paralyzed and unable to do anything because out of a sudden there are way much more thing to do in a way shorter time? When you exactly know that there are things that are priority but at that point doing ANYTHING would be better than just sitting. But still you cannot do it. But time is running fast but hard and bold decisions have to be made.…
I am in the energy of purging everything. Really. Everything. Down to the core. I have an insane amount of rage in my heart. For all the sadness and pain I had to endure. And I finally understood that the cause of the pain is not not being understood. I don’t care whether I make sense to others or not. The real cause was being made to believe that I had to be understood. That I couldn’t be happy…
The realization that I basically have nothing to lose gave me new motivation to get out of here. Everything was an illusion – except my power. That is an undeniable force, and once I finally stop using it to keep myself in survival mode and try to look after everyone’s soul, I can use it for what it was meant for. Because what could I achieve in 22 days? I read a book about playwriting. I wrote…
No, I have always been this intense. Always. I just wrapped myself in cellophane to make myself an easier pill to swallow. I was hitting the brakes and the gas at the same time — of course I got nowhere. Of course I am so much further behind than where I could be by now. I just destroyed the engine trying to hide and wrap up my intensity. If I love — I love hard. If I hate — I hate hard. If I do…
Oh, and another thing I don’t know whether I’m terribly sad or angry about. People not only don’t know me. They not only don’t take the time or make the effort to get to know me. But they fuckin’ think they know me. Or they have no fuckin’ clue, so they fill in the gaps with their own assumptions INSTEAD OF ASKING. I CANNOT ANSWER QUESTIONS THAT AREN’T ASKED. NEVER. I am not a fuckin’ mind reader.…
Okay, this day is a real emotional rollercoaster. I fucking want to burn everything down. But I am crying so hard that I probably wouldn’t even be able to set it on fire. I could cry a fuckin’ river. I am so fuckin’ done with all this shit. When you live with someone for years and then realize everything was built on fuckin’ lies. The person you thought you would spend your fuckin’ life with…
I am watching the wall of shame built around my heart and mind collapse in real time. It is fascinating. I never thought that sending some nudes to a guy and getting a tattoo on my chest would crack it open, but honestly, I love it. My creative block is over. I don’t feel ashamed to be weird. To be dark as fuck. I don’t feel ashamed to step on any stupid shit that doesn’t make sense anymore. And…
I did it. I fuckin’ did it. On the 28th of July, I decided that I would apply to that playwriting competition. The deadline is the 2nd of October. And on the 17th of August, I fuckin’ finished the first draft. In 20 days, I read books about playwriting and finished the first draft of my own play. And not only that. In those 20 days, I destroyed the walls around my heart. I cracked open my chest to…
Today I realized another reason why I catch people off guard so often. They try to put me into boxes I don’t fit into. And they realize that. But instead of saying, “Okay, let’s not use a box at all,” they just grab more boxes. I realized this because of the doctoral program I want to apply for. I’ve heard so many things about it. Some people started to think that I am somehow more conservative,…
I have such a terrible headache… No wonder, considering I wrote six scenes for Raccoon in the Rabbit Hole in less than two days. And somehow I have to survive because I want to finish the first draft today so I can let it sit for a while. And then I can start working on my new projects which — honestly — I’ve already started. No wonder I have this headache. My sleep schedule is fucked up to the…
Yesterday something broke. The last wall that kept me from becoming who I was always meant to be fell, and there is no going back. Yesterday I really became a hard pill to swallow: provocative, crazy, a little bitchy. With people and in my art as well. The Raccoon in the Rabbit Hole became much more provocative than I originally planned. As a friend of mine said: “It’s like you poured Red Bull…
I have this new tattoo. It looks like my chest was cracked open, and inside the darkness there are my demons. But the wounds are sewn together with colorful ropes and surrounded by colorful patches. I regret not insisting on a pink ribbon on top of it, but I will do it next time. Because behind my mind-controlled behavior, I am so fuckin' unserious that I write short stories about vegetables…
I need to rewrite my whole story. Not only who I am now, but who I was before. Because it seems like the old assumption I had about myself was false all along. I got a reality check from a friend I know through this game, and it ended with a painful realization. I just got to know that I was always much greater than I actually believed I was. Even those who I thought saw me as a total failure…
Okay, I think I have a screw loose, but I am really going to start over in this stupid game, Call of Dragons, with some friends and try to build something. I mean... It is gonna be fun, but I am sure it is not a good idea. But I am curious what I am capable of when no one is fucking me over because I am starting with people who actually stand by my side. What I am capable of when I don't have to…
I’ve reached the point where I seriously need to look inward and try to draw a boundary. Where is the line between victim mentality and blaming myself for everything? Because, let’s be honest: when it comes to human connections, not a single adult is completely innocent. Adults have choices. But there is an even deeper level to this whole thing: who am I when I put down everything people have made…
So it is time to use my brain at max capacity. Because two years—it seems so long, but at the same time, it is so little if I want to achieve all the things I need and want. I really need to look at things from different perspectives and use every bit of time possible to achieve my goals. I work 40 hours a week, and of course, that has to remain. But I can probably make better use of that time…
To achieve something I haven't achieved before, I have to become someone I don't even recognize in the mirror. This is why I still struggle between two worlds: my old life and my new one. My old personality is still calling me back. My old insecurities are trying to crawl back in and ruin everything I have already achieved. Questioning my judgment. Questioning my abilities. Questioning my…
Okay, this time I really need to think "out loud" because I myself am a bit confused about what I actually want and how. I need an absolutely fresh start in every single part of my life. Because the way things have been going cannot go on anymore. Not even in the smallest things. I realized that even though I thought I had weeded out everything, I still have hidden layers that hurt as fuck. And…