Chicken Goes Through Ancestral Mummification Process

SPIRIT LAKE, IDAHO — Instead of opting for a traditional burial or cremation, an area chicken underwent an ancestral mummification anthropologists say is thousands of years old. The process, known as “dinoification,” has become increasingly trendy among chickens in the past decade as a means of reclaiming an ancestral heritage some have claimed was lost due to cultural colonization. In this sacred act, the corpse of the victim is ground and processed into chunks measuring roughly two inches squared, after which the chunks are molded into shapes evoking the evolutionary ancestors of chickens, breaded, and finally deep-fried. “By shaping their dead into dinosaurs, chickens are able to engage in a cultural recollection of when their forefathers dominated the Earth, magnificent beasts that left mammalia quivering in its wake,” said pullupologist Candace Pollard. Although chickens find themselves at the bottom of the food chain now, being mostly farmed for human consumption on the order of millions, for many it’s an encouraging thought that feathered bipeds were not just powerful but the most powerful creatures for millennia until they were mostly wiped out by the K-Pg extinction event. At press time, the area chicken was buried according to custom in a cardboard box placed in subzero temperatures, adorned with the label “we was dinos.”