I really respect people who admit they have no friends.
They’re usually the smartest ones around. They just don’t see the point in talking to people for no reason.
Their brain never stops. Always thinking, always curious, always onto the next thing.
They hate small talk. If they’re going to have a conversation, it better mean something. They want to actually learn something, or say something worth hearing.
And when they do talk? They know a lot. About a lot of things. They just don’t share it with everyone. Only the people who get them.
Here’s the irony though.
A person who has no friend, ironically can be the best, most selfless friends one can possibly have. You just need to understand their silence and have the patience to let them open up to you.
If someone gave you a choice between 100 people who liked you or 1 person who completely understood you. Which one would you choose?
Most people lie to themselves about the answer. Lots of people have “friends” who are “friendly” because of an ongoing, mutual exchange of benefits. You laugh, I laugh. If you’re no longer useful, I stop calling you. Even though they don’t say it out loud, everyone knows the situation.
Those who have limited friendships learned this early in life. Usually too early.
True friends are rare indeed and can be counted on one’s fingers. Sometimes one finger. The rest are simply nice folks they merely get along with.
“Being alone for a while is dangerous. It’s addicting. Once you see how peaceful it is, you don’t want to deal with people anymore.”
— Tom hardy
Tom Hardy is by no means unpopular. The man could be introduced to any room on earth and make friends in four minutes. Even he knows that.
The thing people can’t get is that some people need a lot of solitude.
It’s not like they don’t like you. They can like you, they enjoy talking to you, they will wish you the best...and still not want to see you for three weeks. These things are not contradictions. They coexist peacefully, like cats and afternoon sunlight.
Some people have a different social reward system. It costs them something, the noise, the night out, the crowd, the energy of it all. It takes energy they don’t recover quickly. So they spend it wisely. On the people to whom it’s worth spending.
This gets labelled antisocial. Cold. Distant.
It’s none of those things. It’s simply a different fuel economy.
Before we move on! This post is public so feel free to share it.
Every group has that one guy who says, “Well, to be fair, both sides are correct.”
Strangely, that person is rarely the most popular person in the room.
You’re in a conversation. Someone says something wrong. You know it’s wrong. But you also know exactly how they got there, every step of the reasoning that led them to that conclusion. And you can’t just dismiss them. That’s your curse.
The older you get, the harder it becomes to hate people.
Not softer. Just better at understanding why people believe what they believe.
They wanted you to pick a side. Cheer for a team. Agree loudly and move on.
But you couldn’t. Because you actually thought about it.
That’s rarer than it sounds.
Why are we here?
Is there life out there?
What happens when we die?
Why are we conscious inside this vast universe?
Most people hear these questions and move on. They have bills to pay. Meetings to get to. Fair enough.
You never could.
It’s not that you’re dark or morbid. It’s just always there. And you’ve learned not to bring it up, because people will think you’re just trying to seem deep.
So you carry it alone. Most of the time that’s fine.
Small talk just feels like being handed a thimble when you’re standing in front of the ocean.
Some people are incredibly good at reading others, they could immediately see who’s selfish, who’s the funniest person there, who’s about to cry in the bathroom.
Then they go home alone, and they ponder why they do not connect.
Here’s why.
It’s very different to know people and to resonate with people. One can be bilingual without a single thing to say.
It’s hard to find someone who sees the world the way you do. Most people accept whoever is around and call it friendship.
You can’t do that. Because you’ve felt the difference, and you can’t unfeel it.
So you wait. And while you wait, people call you a loner.
Maybe. But you know what you’re waiting for.
According to a 2022 study in the journal Frontiers in Psychology, there is something interesting about people who are high in Openness.
Highly open people often evolve faster than their social environments.
They change. Constantly. Their interests, values, and viewpoints are changing, developing, and evolving at a rapid rate that often leaves social environments behind.
Maybe at age 30, you were quite philosophical. Then literature. Then urban farming. Then the full history of the Byzantine Empire, for eight consecutive months, heavily, for no rational reason.
By no means are they difficult. It’s just that people around them are still expecting last year’s version of them.
People are comfortable when they know what to expect.
And that gap, between who you were and who you are now, is where most people feel lonely.
You don’t need a crowd to feel whole. You just need the right people to get you. And if they do, fully, completely, without explanation, you’d do anything for them.
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