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Luigi Mangione pleaded guilty to federal stalking charges in the 2024 killing of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson, facing a maximum sentence of life in prison. What do you think? The post Luigi Mangione Pleads Guilty appeared first on The Onion .
Whether shorts are office-appropriate attire has ignited an online debate. The Onion examines the pros and cons of wearing shorts in the office. PRO New scapegoat for bad quarter Good to have full range of movement while sitting stationary for eight hours A well-aired cog is a productive cog Ready to attend barbecue at a […] The post Pros And Cons Of Wearing Shorts In The Office appeared first on…
LONDON—Acknowledging that the sea mammals were far from being “awe-inspiring, beautiful creatures or a splendor of nature,” an embarrassed David Attenborough finally admitted this week to exaggerating the wonder of seals. “While I did several monologues in voiceover claiming that sea lions have a quiet majesty, they are actually just stinky, slippery wet dogs with […] The post David Attenborough…
The post Men Overly Bored appeared first on The Onion .
WASHINGTON—Dismissing public concern about the president’s health as baseless speculation, Capt. Sean Barbabella, the director of the White House Medical Unit, announced at a press conference Friday that Donald Trump has always been a face drawn onto a cantaloupe. “If you go back and look at his presidential portrait, he’s always had two dots as […] The post White House Doctor Claims President Has…
RENO, NV—Wincing as he sang in a baritone voice with a slight British accent, local woman Mary Lowe reportedly felt immense pity at a karaoke outing Thursday after she imagined her friend Matthew Brown working on his Morrissey impression alone at home. “Oh no, I can picture him practicing it all by himself in his […] The post Karaoke Outing Paints Heartbreaking Picture Of Friend Practicing…
After a megayacht owned by Mark Zuckerberg failed to respond to a distress signal from a skiff that had run out of fuel, a spokesperson for the centibillionaire claimed his crew did not hear the call for help. What do you think? The post Mark Zuckerberg’s Yacht Fails To Respond To Maritime Distress Call appeared first on The Onion .
The post Every Commercial On ESPN Past Midnight Just Straight-Up Telling Viewers They Have Prostate Cancer appeared first on The Onion .
APPLETON, WI—Wide-eyed and unusually still as he took in the unfamiliar sight before him, local 9-year-old Connor Walsh reportedly got a nice long look at the small of his father’s back Thursday while the 44-year-old bent down to retrieve a ping-pong ball that had rolled beneath a basement shelving unit. Several reports indicated that Walsh’s […] The post Boy Gets Nice Long Look At Small Of…
School is back in session for millions of students across the country. The Onion shares tips for ensuring your child has a safe commute. Attend a different school each day to throw would-be kidnappers off your trail. Determine if your bus driver needs uppers, downers, or both. If cycling to school, disguise yourself as a […] The post Tips For Getting To School Safely appeared first on The Onion .
CHICAGO—Basing the instructions almost entirely on a mental map of his surroundings that had seemingly not been updated since 2002, local dad Kenan Volmer reportedly offered his children driving directions to their uncle’s house Thursday that hinged on where an old Shell station used to be. “So first you’re going to drive down Touhy Avenue, […] The post Dad’s Driving Directions Hinge On Where Old…
CHICAGO—As she navigated the concert crowd with increased vigilance, local woman Penelope Frasier issued a red alert Thursday, warning that the music venue she and her friends had just entered was an absolute minefield of her ex-boyfriends. “There could be one hiding around every corner,” said Frasier, quickly peeking out from behind a support beam […] The post Local Music Venue An Absolute…
ICE announced plans to spend up to $20 million on gloves that deliver electric shocks to people who do not cooperate. What do you think? The post ICE To Equip Officers With Electric Shock Gloves appeared first on The Onion .
The post Dead Fantasy Football Commissioner’s Password Guessed Again appeared first on The Onion .
The post The Nude, Shrieking, 12-Foot Man Only We Can See: Could He Be The Next James Bond? appeared first on The Onion .
Harry Potter fans forced the relocation of a multi-hundred million dollar undersea power cable they claimed would disturb the fake grave of the fictional house elf Dobby, the linkage now redirected to pass near actual Bronze Age human burial remains. What do you think? The post ‘Harry Potter’ Fans Force Relocation Of Undersea Cable To Avoid Fictional Elf’s Grave appeared first on The Onion .
BUFFALO, NY—Audibly groaning before declaring the event “a major letdown” compared to competitions in previous years, local baseball fan Dylan St. John reportedly switched off Wednesday’s Little League World Series game between Canada and Asia-Pacific due to neither team having a big fat kid playing for them. “What the fuck is up with all these […] The post Little League World Series Game Turned…
Candidates from the left’s Democratic Socialists of America party have been gaining momentum around the country in primaries leading up to the midterms. The Onion examines the common myths and facts surrounding the DSA. MYTH: Socialist ideas have never worked in the real world. FACT: No political theory has ever worked in real life. MYTH: […] The post Democratic Socialism: Myth Vs. Fact appeared…
