Why Some Dominants Never Find The Submission They're Looking For

They’re looking for obedience when they should be creating trust.

It’s why fantasy is so often better than reality, and why role-play, or trying a Fifty Shades power dynamic for the first time, can go from intoxicating to faintly horrifying in record time.

Thinking obedience, acquiescence, or a desire to please can fill the throne is a mistake. They can’t.

Obedience should be a side effect, not the destination.

From a submissive's perspective, there needs to be some skin in the game.

I want a genuine part of me invested. I can autopilot obedience in a three-way with Ronald McDonald and Grimace. I'd probably still refuse, mind you.

(Although I'm not entirely sure Grimace has any business being involved in a three-way power exchange.)

However, my point is simple:

Wanting and expecting obedience without understanding the conditions that create it gets you nowhere.

Here’s where I think it goes wrong…

You want to be the authority in my life, but only when it suits you.

Wanting to be the all-powerful Oz, but disappearing the moment the role demands anything more than hot sex and a sturdy presence.

One of my shorter-lived (and narcissistic) ex-Doms could not, or would not, take responsibility for anything. Yet somehow he managed thousands of employees, mergers and acquisitions, and life as a board executive and CEO.

Visit me after I'd collapsed with kidney stones and been taken to A&E by ambulance?

No. It would take too long to get across London.

Had I been a walking fireside chat, board meeting, or a networking dinner, he’d have fought his way across the city.

I wasn’t.

I was just his submissive.

And once I realised I couldn't rely on him, I stopped seeing him as an authority.

Honestly, responsibility gets me wetter faster than most Doms.

If you’re not creating trust, I’m not invested; I’m on autopilot.

Create something with me.

Test me, observe me, push me, invest in me, direct me.

Too many people want the obedience without doing any of the work that inspires it. They want the standing ovation before the performance.

They focus on the marionette and ignore the strings, then they wonder why it never comes to life.

Don't just pull the strings. Make me want to move.

Asking me to devote myself to you, but when I need you, you’re not there.

Real devotion isn’t half-hearted or play-on-demand.

Inconsistency breeds doubt, insecurity, and defensiveness. Naturally, if you’re not looking after us, guess who is? We are. And we’re exceptionally good at building our own walls.

Unless you've got a spare trebuchet in your shed (an excellent euphemism), don't help us build the walls and then complain that they're there.

Hot and cold might be exciting in a fantasy, but in reality it’s exhausting. If inconsistency is your thing, that’s fine; just don’t expect devotion in return.

No cat will ever love you if you only feed it sometimes. It will simply acquire ten other homes and still look starved.

I’m not saying submissives are like cats.

I’m saying neither of us should be surprised by the outcome.