Revealed: Postcards from our summer holidays, by Burnham, Badenoch, Farage, Davey and Polanski

Ay up from classic Blackpool! Who wants Europe when you’ve got this many 2p machines on your doorstep?

I’ve spent most of the week on the promenade trying to implement a capped-fare electronic ticketing system that connects the heritage trams, rollercoasters and donkey rides, but the local operators are resisting my attempts at total devolution. As I said to the man in the sweet shop, “Andy Burnham will not rest, until every stick of rock is stamped with a strictly regulated maximum price.”