Art by Paul from New Zealand
Troublemaker Rani G. sent us this magnificent rendering of Queen Troublemaker and TVH in matching trench coats in the field — and Teddy is learning! Investigative journalism requires more than a Sherlock cap (though we love it), Uber Blacks, and the ability to “sniff out” our cultural offenders. [MC: Rani — I love that you captured the detail of Teddy’s brown harness with all his stars. He really swaggers in that little utility piece.]
As depicted here, Teddy is now taking contemporaneous notes, though sometimes Maureen catches him listing his preferred treats for the week. [TVH: I prefer to think of this as advanced canine multitasking.]
Rani, we LOVE it. Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?
Exclusive Art by Paul from New Zealand
Troublemakers, break out the bunting, ring the bells, pop the As Ever (a.k.a. ‘A Sever’) champagne!
After six years of an unprecedented Worldwide Privacy Tour (so named by “South Park”), and endless claims that their lives were in mortal danger in Britain, Harry and Meghan are doing what all rational, thoughtful, smart truthtellers would — they’re moving back to England.
[MC: We’ve got with multiple working theories. TBD on upcoming eps. Remember: Nothing is ever straightforward or simple with these two.]
Ta-ta, then. Mind the corgis. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out. Even Paul from New Zealand has been sent into a deep creative fugue state by the Sussex exodus, churning out one au revoir masterpiece after another. At this rate, Reverse Mexit may become Paul’s Blue Period.
[MC: “Reverse Megxit” makes me think of reverse mortgages, which makes me think that after a post-divorce Meghan completes her inevitable stint on Real Housewives, she’ll become a paid spokesperson for reverse mortgages, funeral pre-planning and Life Alerts — her wheelhouse of grifting, grafting and dancing on graves — just my opinion!]
And then there is the truly urgent matter:
WHAT HAPPENS TO THE JAM?
Netflix reportedly shipped $10 million worth of unsold perishables and other cakey comestibles back to Montecito. The import duties alone must be staggering. How does one dispose of so much baggage? What if Harry would like to drop his baggage, in the form of an insufferably grasping (just our opinion) wife? If Lady C’s exclusive, dropped on this explosive episode of The Nerve, is still (allegedly, reportedly) happening, Meghan may soon learn how expertly the British royal family can dispose of troublesome elements.
Not since Apollo 11 have we seen a more treacherous attempt at re-entry. More on this extraordinary development below.
Art by Paul from NZ
Our friend Rob Shuter was back with real dirt [MC: fresh, aromatic, piled-to-the-side-of-a- freshly-exhumed-Stedman-grave-dirt], deep Hollywood memory and the kind of gossip that sends Nerve HQ straight into overdrive.
We begin with these explosive paparazzi pics (and as we all know, on private, five-star vacations such as these, the paps almost always have to be called), taken in January 2005. Upon publication, they were interpreted the only sensible way they could be: After all the rumors about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie having a torrid affair on the set of “Mr. & Mrs. Smith,” everything was just fine in the Pitt-Aniston marriage. Better than ever.
One day later, January 7, came the announcement: Pitt and Aniston were divorcing. By Sunday, January 9, Yahoo was reporting (with what sounded like sources inside Camp Pitt), that the split was all Jen’s fault, because Brad wanted babies and she was too selfish and career-minded to have them.
Oh, and these affectionate pictures on the beach? Jen practically beside herself with joy? We were informed that this was actually the happiest of break-up vacations (who doesn’t take a loving, lavish vacation with their soon-to-be-ex, who has been cheating with one of the world’s most beautiful women?) and that we all should have known because he was sending a message with that TRASH t-shirt. As in: Pitt was, in Jen A.’s eyes, allegedly “trash” to be taken out.
Queen Troublemaker and Rob dissected his exclusive report that Jen not only supports Brad’s decision to drink again, but would happily meet him for cocktails. To which both say: Jen, hasn’t Brad hurt you enough? Is Brad Pitt actually a bad guy? In case you missed it, here’s the clip — complete with Angie & Brad mocking Jen at the Academy Awards.
Then Rob brought fresh intel from his source, at a very senior position inside Oprah World, where the mystery around “Stedman” only gets stranger. This time, no one can deny: Oprah has to be watching The Nerve. Right, Jeff? 😉 Oprah parades “Stedman” out for the first time in seven years, and we’re supposed to believe that’s a coincidence?
Seven. Years.
And then — because apparently the universe loves us —
Could it be . . . “Stedman” calling in?.
TVH’s ears are UP.
Summer Friday! Marlaina is still insisting Maureen rest that voice — very noble, very caring, very convenient — because it gives our resident compilation mastermind producer another excuse to spend quality time with BILL MAHER.
We see you, Marlaina.
This Friday’s summer tribute compilation goes to one of The Nerve’s most dependable Cultural Offenders — and to the skeevy little man-cave he insists on broadcasting from.
When we first encountered Bill’s lair, it had a distinct “murder van with a liquor license” energy. Now? A lamp. A little warmth. Dare we say … it looks like evidence of a feminine touch. [MC: Marlaina — is this what you’re doing on your days off?]
This one is an 🚨EMERGENCY🚨 — not since Maureen donned funeral garb for the surprise cancellation of “And Just Like That” has she pulled together a mock costume so fast. 👑 😭✈️ 🏧 🎥 🥨 Nerve HQ has put Oprah/Gayle/jeffsmyth on ice (just for a day) to address the week’s biggest surprise — yes, bigger than an ambulatory, ostensibly freed and alive former plus-one to the Big O.
Even better: QUEEN TROUBLEMAKER joins the YouTube live chat for Saturday morning’s Mini — for the first time ever, taking your questions in real time.
Come caffeinated or cocktailed, depending on your time zone. And Jeff — we hope to see you there!
The mayhem begins Saturday at 10am ET on YouTube.
🌎 TROUBLEMAKERS ACTIVATE! We have some major Troublemaker news this week — plus further proof that this little community has officially escaped containment.
🐶 TEDDY’S CASE FILE: Our Investigative Correspondent/Chief of Homicide is back from his one-night fact-finding mission to Chicago. We’ll have that field report ready to go on Tuesday’s show — TVH is flourishing on camera! Still, the little guy is exhausted. [MC: I’m about to tell him he needs to go back to Montecito to sniff out the real reason Harry and Meghan are leaving — I’m dreading it. All he wants to do is to watch “Columbo” reruns and stare down bunnies in the backyard.] Look at this: Here he was on Wednesday, dozing off midday — after a conference call and before he could even skim the day’s papers. But in a touching reversal of roles, Wacha — Andy Cohen’s dumped dog (just our opinion!) and formerly Teddy’s case client — has become his nurse. Sweet, attentive, deeply concerned. Teddy, naturally, is milking this for all it’s worth.
💄 THE MAUREEN EDIT: This week’s beauty finds, style obsessions, books, television, music, shopping detours and whatever else Queen Troublemaker has fallen for, ordered, discovered or become irrationally devoted to since we last checked in.
The evidence locker is open.
Teddy is asleep on the paperwork.
Queen Troublemaker is entering the chat.
ARE YOU READY? ARE YOU READY?
LET’S GO!!!! 🐶🚔👑📁
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