Seattle's Only Real Fake News
Live Last read · last published · next check
The Seattle Mariners kicked off the fall football season Tuesday night with allowing the Milwaukee Brewers to score three touchdowns plus a conversion in an impressive 0-22 shutout loss. “Brewers starting quarterback Bryce Miller just kept throwing one perfect pass after another to every one of the team’s receivers – the connection to Christian Yelich […]
Mark Zuckerberg’s superyacht once again this week ignored a distress call from a nearby boat calling to report potentially permanent blindness of everyone aboard after seeing the Facebook founder in all his sunblock-slathered glory. “We assumed they were only radioing us to tell us how amazed they are that both Zuck’s superyacht and dong are […]
Today Lime officially abandoned its ill-fated e-unicycle sharing pilot program in Seattle and will not be expanding to other cities, citing “more cracked skulls and nutsacks than Harborview’s ever seen.” “Unicycles are a fun, ecofriendly way to get around town as long as you always have a helmet with you, so we really just had […]
Today local public transit authority Sound Transit officials said that if light rail riders keep ignoring posted warning signs about standing at a safe distance from trains, giving seats to disabled passengers, and paying fares, it will have no choice but to unleash Dark Rail. “We’ll say it one last time: Stay behind the yellow […]
Amid questions about what communication errors led to the public waiting so long for accurate public safety updates after the Seattle Center shooting last week, Seattle Mayor Katie Wilson says she apologizes for being naive enough to believe police knew how to do their job all on their own. “I apologize for assuming that police […]
After widespread reports that he isn’t even in the city most of the year because of how frequently he commutes back to his home in Chicago, today SPD Chief Shon Barnes assured Seattle he spends as little time with his wife and kids in the Windy City as possible. “Guys, the whole reason I took […]
Two days after a tragic shooting that killed three people at Seattle Center, Seattle Police Department officials say confusion and questions continue to swirl around what’s taking Mayor Katie Wilson so long to find the second shooting suspect. “We have no idea what’s taking her so long—we all know from watching Law & Order, the […]
After leaving pet food out on the porch overnight in hopes St. Jimothy soon would be there, one Ballard family woke up this morning to find he not only visited but left them presents. “Mommy, mommy, St. Jimothy came!” said little Emma marveling at yard full of raccoon presents in every shape and size. “He […]
A newly discovered video shows absolutely precious footage of the moment viral internet sensation Jimothy the raccoon lept off a Henry mural into real life as a baby. “See right here he pops out of the mural into the third dimension,” said local Ballard resident Ben Trammell, who initially thought nothing of the video when […]
Dangerously single male Cybertruck drivers now have their own single-occupancy “X Lanes” to quickly connect them from their solitary tech-bro jobs to their empty condos without almost crashing into and killing anyone. “I usually blast through an exit lane or shoulder on 405 to cut traffic and get to my Bravern condo,” said self-proclaimed incel […]
