I Keep Waiting for My Life to Start

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over the past two days i’ve been sick. and that really sucks cause it prevents me from doing all the things i planned for this weekend.
or does it?

well kinda yes. but that situation left me stuck with a bigger thought:
don’t i always have a reason for not doing the things i’d like to do?

life really consists of so many “when’s”…

…when i become more confident, i will talk to more people…
…when i lose more weight, i will feel happy with myself…
…when i stop caring, i will wear whatever i want…
…when life is calmer, i will start working on my dreams….

all i hear is when, when, when.

not from you.
not from them.
but from myself.

sometimes it feels like my life hasn’t begun yet, it’s just in the queue. i haven’t reached the point in life i want to yet. i’m not happy with where i am, so please….

just give me more time.
time.
more time.
it’s funny, isn’t it?

i keep asking for more time while time is what i’m loosing while asking for it. i truly hate it. each hour that passes makes my dreams feel so far away. and that makes me feel depressed sometimes.
cause in my mind i already live as a different person.

a person who’s more confident, talks to a lot of people, gets along with them, someone who wakes up and does fantastic things each day. he wears what he wants. he enjoys life. he takes time for himself.
he lives while i feel like i’m dying.

but hey, i keep telling myself someday i’ll be him.
just not today. cause i’m not ready for it today.

but what would happen if i finally became that person?

perhaps the queue never ends cause i keep putting another version of myself in front of me. never the true one.
and perhaps a better life doesn’t suddenly arrive tomorrow morning. perhaps it starts when i take the actions for it today.

how philosophical, right?
take actions today to change your life tomorrow.
don’t worry, i’m not here to bother you with these motivational standard quotes your boomer dad puts all over his office walls.

i’m here cause life is messy. it’s shit, it’s painful, it’s a big fat fuck you in your face.
and maybe that’s why i need to jump over my shadow and approach things differently. cause if life keeps throwing stones at me, i would be stupid to hand over my face to them.

theres a song i’ve been listening to lately cause it expresses something i’m only beginning to understand now myself.

Vienna by Billy Joel.

it speaks directly to that impatient part of my heart. the part that constantly feels like i’m running out of time. that part which makes me think that each hour of rest is a waste.

kinda ironic.
i’m rushing through life because i’m scared i won’t have enough time to reach my dreams and im postponing actually living until i reach them. and it leaves me so empty.

Vienna reminds me that theres no finish line i need to desperately reach while i’m
still young. cause life doesn’t suddenly become worthless cause i haven’t achieved everything yet.
maybe more importantly, it reminds me that i have achieved things already. things i can be proud of and maybe i just need to start doing one thing my “dream me” would do too. like going to Berlin this week.

i should stop rushing in order to stop sacrificing the current for a stuck future.
i should allow myself to be less “when”.
less of all and more of myself.

because maybe life started long ago and i just struggle to really exist in it.

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