your life is worth participating in

i feel like people always talk about how necessary it is to find your ultimate purpose, especially when it comes to topics around mental health. i’ve had my own journey with depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation since i was twelve years old, and the constant advice i kept hearing was that i needed to “find my purpose.” i needed to find my reason, my passion, my why.

i have things i enjoy and am passionate about, sure. i love writing, i enjoy creating content, i love my cat, my friends, my family. there are things i find fun like watching scary movies, going on picnics, or traveling. but the thing is, i’ve experienced all of that in the midst of depression. none of those things gave me full relief. it always felt like the depression came back to visit and knock on my door. sometimes it felt like it never left, like it was just tucked away watching me around the corner, inching closer and closer, waiting to envelope me in a heavy, dark blanket again.

when i hear people speak about finding your purpose, it almost sounds like it has to be one specific thing. one specific hobby or career path that suddenly makes everything click into place, but none of that erases mental health struggles. none of that removes the poison in the mind. people who are wildly successful can still very much be depressed. they can still feel like they have no will to live. and while i definitely do not have all the answers, and i’m certainly not promising this little ole essay will absolve you from your mental health struggles, i did want to share something i’ve discovered internally.

after surviving one of the worst depression cycles of my life last year into this year, i told myself that if i ever got out of that rut, and understood how i did it, i would share it with the world. maybe it could help convince at least one person to stay for tomorrow. i want to try to convince you that there are, and always will be, brighter days ahead, even when all your thoughts and circumstances are pointing in the opposite direction, making the tunnel seem so dark it feels like you’ve reached a dead end.

i do want to begin by mentioning circumstances because they matter. challenging circumstances around you definitely hold a huge factor in your mental health, whether they’re financial, relational, or something else entirely. i’ll never try to erase or undermine the drastic effects of that. in fact, my previous depression cycle was heavily rooted in financial struggles, friendship struggles, family struggles, along with the long-term mental health struggles i had already dealt with for years. there are circumstances that genuinely require practical change, and i don’t think curiosity replaces those things, but i do think it can exist alongside them while you’re finding your way out. there are reasons to keep going, even if you feel like you’re just a body dragging yourself along.

i’m also not speaking on this to say i’ll never experience depressive episodes, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts again. that is honestly a lifelong battle for a lot of people, myself included, but i’ve gotten myself to a point i’ve genuinely never experienced before. i’ve become more optimistic, more open to the world, so much that multiple people have recently described me as someone who’s outgoing, who enjoys being outside and talking to new people (sometimes), which is a complete 180 for me. if you’ve read most of my essays, you’d know. the version of me six months ago couldn’t even imagine being the person i am now. she wouldn’t recognize me, but i recognize her.

so, this is what slowly helped me.

i feel like it partially began with people. minimal, but people. transparently, i reconnected with someone from my past because he was one of the last people i remembered feeling safe with. and i will say, the presence of him, my best friend, my cousin, and my cat really aided in helping me through those difficult months. so, i would NOT recommend reaching back out to anyone from your past, bUT, if you have anyone, even just one person you can lean on occasionally, one safe person or even one safe pet, start there.

next, sleep with affirmation tapes. i know that sounds a little silly or pointless, but just try it. especially if your depression comes in waves of wanting to sleep and do nothing but bed rot all day, turn on an eight-hour affirmation tape on youtube while you sleep. i personally listen to dylan james, he has dozens of affirmation tapes catered to really specific situations. you can even make your own.

you might not notice a difference in the first month, maybe not even the second or third month, but be patient. your brain, your subconscious, is adjusting to brand new thoughts and identities while going up against beliefs that have lived inside of you for years, maybe even decades. the changes usually happen very quietly, little by little, until one day you realize you’ve somehow ended up on the opposite side of the scale without even noticing when it happened.

i wrote an essay not too long ago about isolation and struggling to get myself back out into the world, but i genuinely feel like i’m finally out of it. so, i know you don’t want to, but you need to go outside. even if it’s just for a five minute walk. i would force myself to sit at the park, even when i felt anxious, even when i had spent half the day crying in bed. it genuinely helps, and not just in a “your brain needs sunlight and vitamin d” kind of way, but in an environmental way. depression has a way of making your thoughts feel so enormous, like they consume your entire world. but when you go outside and let yourself exist around other people, even strangers, you start to realize your thoughts aren’t as big as they feel inside your bedroom. force yourself to do it, even if it’s the last thing you want to do. and distract yourself with more spontaneity. go on a random sprint, cut your hair, dye your eyebrows. literally do anything.

the next, and honestly the most helpful thing i did, was go back to my childhood. back to the little girl in me. i tried to remember what she loved, what made her curious, what she naturally gravitated toward before depression took over her. that’s what led me here to substack. i wrote about everything. the good, the bad, the ugly, and i let it all out into the world. writing became therapeutic, not just because i was venting, but because it reconnected me to an old part of myself.

that’s probably the biggest piece of advice i’d give anyone. remind yourself of what you loved as a child and slowly find your way back to it. i genuinely believe children know themselves better than almost anyone. they follow what excites them before the world teaches them what they should care about. they’re naturally curious, naturally optimistic. it isn’t until life begins layering fear, disappointment, shame, and other people’s beliefs onto them that they begin to harden and lose trust in themselves. children aren’t naturally lost, life teaches them how to become lost. so tap back into that version of yourself.

the next thing i did, once i climbed out of the darkest part of my depression, was move through life with more openness and curiosity. instead of immediately closing myself off, i forced myself to ask, “what if?” i personally started with flowers. before, i always thought flowers were pretty, but i didn’t always stop to actually look at and appreciate them. even if i wanted to take a picture, my anxiety would stop me. i’d think, what’s the point? i’d think people would think i was weird for stopping to photograph a flower, which honestly sounds ridiculous to me now. so i started letting myself do it anyway.

if i saw a flower i liked, i’d stop and take a picture, and eventually it became something i genuinely looked forward to. now i do it almost every time i go outside because...why not? i started listening to myself, really listening. if something genuinely sparked joy or curiosity inside of me, i followed it instead of talking myself out of it. little by little. baby steps.

then came july.

last month was really when everything transformed. after months of tiny baby steps, i finally felt ready to actually fully participate in my life again. i started saying yes to more hangouts, even if it was spontaneous. i invited people out myself. i answered more phone calls. i voluntarily made phone calls. when i’d go outside, i’d challenge myself to compliment strangers without expecting anything in return. sometimes that turned into conversations. sometimes those conversations led into exchanging numbers for potential friendship. i began noticing life again. i’d hug trees, i’d place my hand on the bark just because i wanted to. i’d wander into random stores just to window shop, and i’d strike up conversations with the people working there, which felt very out of character for me. i’d name the flowers and succulents i brought home. i’d dance and sing to music that actually made me feel good instead of songs that fed the sadness inside of me. every single day, every week, every month, i kept choosing curiosity over hopelessness. not perfectly, but consistently.

and i think that’s where the “having a purpose” conversation comes back in.

i don’t actually think you need one grand purpose. i don’t think you need to suddenly discover your calling or become deeply passionate about one thing. i think you just have to become curious about your own life again, because curiosity is the opposite of hopelessness. maybe that curiosity looks like flowers. maybe it’s trees. maybe it’s baking, knitting, reading, hiking, painting, traveling, or talking to strangers. maybe it’s something completely different. it doesn’t really matter what it is, what matters is doing it scared, doing it depressed and anxious. doing it when your brain keeps asking, “what’s the point?” and continuing to do it anyway, even if you don’t feel different right away.

doing all of this doesn’t mean your mental health struggles will permanently disappear. it doesn’t mean every day after that becomes easy, but it does mean depression doesn’t have to steal your genuine interest in your own life forever.

this reminds me so much of the disney movie soul. once the main character finally achieved his lifelong dream of becoming a professional musician, he thought he’d finally feel fulfilled. he thought he’d suddenly understand why he was here, but nothing changed. when he got a second chance at life, what changed wasn’t his career or his passion, it was his ability to notice life itself. the leaves falling from a tree, the taste of pizza, the warmth of the sun. depression convinces you those things are meaningless, but those tiny moments are exactly what make life worth living.

i don’t think the purpose of life is finding one grand purpose. i think the purpose of life is participating in it. being curious enough about yourself to spend time with your own mind. being curious enough to spend time with the earth. that’s it. that’s all.

i hope this helps anyone in some way, even if it’s just a little. everyone’s journey with mental health is deeply personal, so i know this won’t resonate with everyone, but if it resonates with even one person, i hope it’s enough to convince you to stay.

just stay for tomorrow. stay long enough to notice one flower, one conversation, one song, one sunset. one tiny thing that reminds you you’re still here. you don’t have to have everything figured out. you don’t need a five-year plan. you don’t need to become wildly successful. you don’t even need to know your purpose, just be curious.

i promise you, over time, even though life will never be perfect and pain will always come and go because life is a constant yin and yang, curiosity has a funny way of showing you that there are, indeed, brighter days ahead.

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