On Tuesday, I (Katy) quickly commented on a short clip where actress Jenna Elfman shares the secret of her 22-year marriage: She and her husband have sex at least once a week. “If I’m on fire, it’s twice a week,” she said.
My premise was simple.
She’s right. Sex once a week should be the minimum.
That was it.
I put my phone on do not disturb and went on stage at a TPUSA faith event. When I returned to the green room, Eric Metaxas commented on my totally normal but Internet-breaking sex advice. The post had almost 200,000 views.
Now two days later, it’s been viewed 7.3 million times. Who knew that calling women to have weekly sex with their husbands would be such a hot take?
But it is.
My main job is advocating for the right of children to be known and loved by their mother and father. I care about intact families because I care about children. Children do best when the two people responsible for their existence are committed to one another and committed to them.
And one major way to keep those marriages together is…frequent sex.
AT LEAST weekly.
Obviously, I’m talking about normal expectations within a healthy marriage. There are seasons when physical intimacy may not be possible or recommended. For example, after a woman has a baby, during injury or illness, or when a couple is working through adultery, betrayal, or pornography addiction. Those are serious matters that need to be addressed with wise counsel, pastoral help, and often professional counseling.
But the Internet didn’t go crazy over this because of the exceptions. It went crazy because I stated a general rule.
And yes, I mean it: Once a week should be the minimum.
Men and women are different. Over 28 years of marriage—and nearly three decades of meeting with, talking to, and counseling hundreds of women and couples in ministry—I have observed that men tend to have something more akin to a 72-hour cycle than a woman’s 28-day cycle. Wives should recognize their husbands for who they are and what they need, and love them by meeting those needs.
Good news: it will probably lead him to want to meet all of yours.
Before you freak out, I’m not saying that a wife is responsible if her husband looks at pornography or commits adultery because they haven’t had sex that week. He needs to govern himself. He is responsible for his own fidelity, his own eyes, and his own behavior. A wife is not morally responsible for her husband’s sin.
But “he is responsible for governing himself” does not mean “his wife should be indifferent to his needs.” Marriage calls both spouses to know, love, and care for the person they married. In scripture, there’s total equality in the bedroom. Biblically, her body belongs to him. And his body belongs to her. Self-giving leads to both security and devotion. Especially as it relates to his devotion to her. It’s what my husband and I affectionately call “monogamy goggles.”
For Gen X partiers, you’re likely familiar with the term “beer goggles.” That’s when the woman at the bar looks more attractive with every drink you finish. Donning those goggles often leads to regret.
But there’s another kind of goggle effect—one that doesn’t distort attraction but directs it. Beer goggles temporarily alter what a man sees. “Monogamy goggles” gradually shape whom he desires.
And they’re strengthened through regular marital sex.
Men are visual. Whatever they repeatedly fixate on during sex will naturally arouse them again. This is why pornography can condition people into all kinds of fetishes. What a man associates with sexual pleasure shapes his sexual appetite.
But if the person a man repeatedly sees at the moment of climax is his wife, his attraction becomes increasingly associated with her face and body. Sex reinforces his desire for her and his pursuit of her. She literally becomes the object of his affection.
Voilà: “monogamy goggles.”
While she should strive to steward her body well and stay fit and healthy, a wife does not need to look 25 forever. She does not have to compete with every younger, thinner, airbrushed woman her husband encounters. The repeated sexual bond between a husband and wife trains his desire toward the real woman who shares his bed, bears his children, knows his weaknesses, laughs at his puns, and has built a life beside him.
Sex doesn’t merely release an urge. It attaches that urge to a person.
Sex is devastating outside of marriage, but a powerful good for bonding within it. Not only do husband and wife need that bond, their children do as well.
Them Before Us exists to put children’s rights back at the center of every conversation about marriage, family, and fertility. Your monthly gift makes that work possible, in courtrooms, statehouses, and living rooms around the world.
One woman objected that this male “need” is a complete myth because men have a right hand. She then claimed that describing sex as a need implied that men who didn’t get it might turn to rape.
That is both a straw man and a non sequitur. Nothing about recognizing a husband’s sexual needs implies that failing to meet them excuses sexual violence.
Of course men are able to satisfy their urges in other ways. Yes it’s a need and yes pornography and his right hand could “meet” it.
But don’t expect any devotion or heart connection with his wife to follow.
Masturbation can produce release. It cannot produce the sweetness, unity, vulnerability, and connection of marital sex. The connection that both husband and wife desire. Pornography can function as a release, but it will direct his affections away from his wife. And thus destabilize the union on which his children rely.
Marital sex does the opposite.
It transforms a recurring physical appetite into an occasion for husband-and-wife bonding—physical, emotional, and relational. It creates a private language, a shared delight, and a bodily reminder that these two are not merely co-managers of bills, schedules, carpools, and children. They are husband and wife.
And when that bond is strengthened, children benefit. They live under the shelter of a marriage that is being nurtured rather than merely maintained.
Another woman replied, “I’m not sure anyone disagrees with her.”
Maybe not in theory. But millions of married Americans certainly aren’t living by her advice.
According to an analysis of the 2024 General Social Survey, only 46 percent of married adults ages 18–64 reported having sex at least once a week. In other words, more than half of married Americans are not meeting Jenna Elfman’s once-a-week standard.
So no, “once a week should be the minimum” is not some obvious rule everyone already follows. Most married Americans don’t.
The same report noted research findings that happiness increased as sexual intimacy moved from monthly to weekly. In other words, Jenna Elfman’s rule is not especially exotic: Once a week appears to be a meaningful rhythm for marital connection.
No statistic can establish the proper frequency for every marriage in every season. For Christians, the standard is not a quota- it is both spouses mutually satisfied. But the data reveals that the importance of regular sex needs to be more widely promoted.
Millions of spouses are living like roommates.
Modern marriage advice endlessly instructs husbands to meet their wives’ emotional needs: Listen. Communicate. Plan dates. Notice what needs to be done around the house. Pursue her. Make her feel safe, seen, and cherished.
Good. Men should do those things.
But wives should also take their husbands’ needs seriously, even when those needs are different from their own. A husband should not have to pretend that sex is incidental to feeling loved by his wife merely because our culture is uncomfortable asking anything of women.
Regular sex is not the only ingredient in a strong marriage. It will not repair abuse, erase betrayal, or substitute for affection, provision, honesty, sacrifice, and friendship. But in an otherwise healthy marriage, it is one of the most powerful ways husbands and wives bond, reconnect, and reinforce their exclusive love.
That bond is good for them. It is good for their children. And it is good for a society built on stable marriages and intact families.
Sex is devastating outside of marriage. But a powerful good for bonding within it.
Give generously, ladies.
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Them Before Us is a global movement committed to defending children’s right to their mother and father. We believe that adult desires should never come at the expense of a child’s fundamental needs. Have a friend who would enjoy getting the resources TBU offers?
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