Blowing The Fuse

Dear Soul Friends,

It has been some time since I have written, but I feel that summer is quite busy for everyone and so I stopped scolding myself for not flooding you with essays and poetry. However, as much as I love sharing my thoughts with you directly in my Conscious Coffee Chats, I also love to write and paint a more poetic picture in these essays. The energies these days feel quite heated, the solar eclipse brought out some shadow parts and it feels as if I am less patient with myself when I override my own needs. There is a subtle notion of anger boiling at the bottom of my inner ocean, ready to step in when I try to take the easy way out. A passionate guard that protects my soul from straying from the way. Making sure the inner flame keeps burning.

Anger is such an important feeling and a tenacious teacher. Anger does not like to be silenced. Usually, silenced anger just finds another way to destroy, which is sadly mostly our own bodies. Anger wants to breathe fresh air, yet needs not to be fanned.

While I am writing these lines, I am sitting in one of my favourite cafés in Westport, enjoying the scent of coffee and the slight trace of cinnamon that heralds the upcoming autumn season. I know, I am not quite ready for autumn either, yet as with anger, if we resist change it only gets stronger, so let’s enjoy the last summery days while we are at it instead of jumping ahead to what is not even there yet. As I was searching for a parking spot, the universe provided me with the perfect learning experience for this article. You must know that I always find a parking spot, no matter how busy a town is. I just assume that I will do so, and oftentimes cars magically pull out directly in front of me. Today, I was following my instinct into a quite tight parking area, and when I arrived, everything was full except for one spot that I could not take due to my rather bad stereoscopic vision. A bit further ahead I spotted some people getting ready to leave, so I decided to be patient and wait. It was a corner spot, so I did not see what was happening around the corner. It felt as if the people took forever to leave, the car behind me already started to impatiently honk (something that you luckily get very seldomly here in Ireland), but to be fair, he didn’t see what I was waiting for. I tried to pull to the side a bit, and while I moved the car I spotted another car around the corner, apparently waiting for the same parking spot. It was a huge car and the man at the driver’s seat made a face that clearly stated “This is my spot.” I briefly considered turning down my window and having a conversation with him about who waited longer. This didn’t happen, as the people pulled out and he quickly pulled in I could feel my body swelling with anger. From the bottom of my feet a wave of fire seemed to float through my blood, causing me to swear under my breath. Shortly after I found myself cursing all men because they are always assuming that they come first. I considered leaving the parking area but some inner nudge made me take the corner once more. By then I had given up on finding a spot, and in that exact same moment I spotted the free one. I pulled in, watching the man who “stole” the other spot heading to the parking meter. I decided to stay in the car and let him pass, because I did not trust my heated system to not yell at him. Instead, I decided to take a few deep breaths and feel into my body. “You have every right to be angry, Nicole, you were waiting a long time for that spot. However, you don’t know how long he waited, and he probably did not see you either. You got one spot now, so it worked out well for everyone, right?” My inner dialogue worked well and my body started to calm down. “Maybe he didn't even see me first. And then he hesitated for a second and he moved on.” I decided to let the situation go and learn “When one door closes, another one opens.” There is always enough for everyone.

Anger often makes us react impulsively. When the fire in our body screams “Someone oversteps our boundary”, it is hard to calm down in the moment. However, anger normally does not stay long. We prolong anger because we usually don’t let ourselves feel it fully. Like all other feelings, anger is simply energy in our body that wants to move through. We often respond to an anger outburst by shaming ourselves. “I shouldn’t have said that.” “I shouldn’t have yelled.” Fact is, sometimes we will act impulsively, as the purpose of anger is to protect our boundaries. While anger is flooding our system, there is no way we can act rationally. However, we can learn to make so much space for anger within our system that we are not afraid of it anymore and can bounce back. And we always, always have the chance to genuinely apologise. Had I decided to step out of the car and get into contact with the fella who got the parking spot, it probably would have ended in a heated conversation. It would have ruined both our days completely. I am so happy to be at a point where I can just let the energy move through my body and bounce back in an instant. This did not happen overnight, it is the result of deep inner work.

The situation today reminded me of a poem and a few notes that patiently waited in my docs to find their way into an essay. It was around Easter time and I was preparing my breakfast. I popped the last leftover Hot Cross Bun into the toaster, and left the kitchen to open the bathroom window. When I turned back, the sizzling sound of the roasting bun had stopped. The bun raised its face towards me, but still looked quite pale. Startled, I pushed the handle down again, but it refused to stay put. It took me a while until my slow morning brain combined the scent of burnt raisins with an apparently broken toaster, and I realised that it must have got too hot and turned itself off. Still wondering how this can happen, I opened the fridge to get the cheese. It was only when I stared at the dark fridge, that I realised what had happened. I inspected the junction box to find that the toaster apparently had blown a fuse. I turned the switch, grateful that us humans were able to invent a system that would prevent the house from further damage, keeping us safe.

My poet’s brain immediately started to play with the metaphor. We all have an internal junction box, built into our marvellous body. We have some small switches that turn off when we are confronted with some small trauma or overstepped boundaries - just like the car situation. In these moments it is easier to find the source and turn on the switch again. When we suffer from big trauma, the main switch might turn off, and our system completely collapses. Maybe our junction box becomes completely faulty then, leaving us without any connection to source. But what happens, when our inner junction box reacts? I think it is quite simple - we disconnect immediately from Love. Maybe our ego is the Electric Generator Output. The important factor that actually decides what we do with our energy. When we are constantly disappointed by someone, our disconnection happens more subtly, and much slower, but in moments where our anger is stimulated we immediately cut the connection with our source. This is necessary as our ego needs to take over in order to keep us safe. Our ego is not our enemy. Our ego is there to protect us. There is no room for Love when we need to survive and this is fairly important.

However, if we are quite unaware of how our system works, we might judge ourselves if the fuse is very easy to blow. Doing the inner work means to explore which switch is connected to which fuse, what blows it and what can restore it. We can start to work with our anger, not against it. We can learn how to plug back in and connect to our inner source - Love. Here we create. Here we stop reacting.

Once we have processed our own anger and restored our system to feeling safe again, we can decide what to do with the energy that was set free. Anger needs to be expressed. Anger is alchemising, it cleanses and purifies. But it can also destroy. Anger is fire, love the flame. Sometimes, people who see my work, ask me if I never get angry. As I just described, I do get angry - I am human. However, I consciously made a commitment to myself to only share words of Love, because I know that in the end, Love is more powerful than anger. Imagine we would all just share our burning, heated flame of anger with each other. Anger fuels anger. Love fuels Love. The simple question we need to ask ourselves is: What do we want to see more of? Where the focus goes the energy flows. I believe that if we all share our anger with the world, then the world will be on fire. If we all share Love, the world will be lit up by millions of flames, of carefully tended hearths, providing light and warmth for those who sit in darkness. What do we want to create? Who do we want to be?

Electric Generator Output
blowing up
to not get blown away
re-fuse-ing to fully feel
melting down
what starts to
reveal
not wanting to stay
in the swirl
of tension
shutting off
shutting out
what got too loud
escaping
into another
dimension
plugging out
too scared
to plug in
again
afraid
to burn another
brin
Where does the power circuit
begin
where does it end
which hand
can turn the switch
before
we are too old
before
the house
gets dark
and cold
Sadhbh Adamea

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Thank you so much for being in this space and sharing the wor(l)d with me. If you feel in need of some light, feel free to reach out. I am only a click away.

Lots of Love,

Always feel free to reach out if you need a helping hand, a kind word, encouraging conversation or simply someone who listens!

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