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Todd Blanche is reportedly worried he can’t trust any of his DOJ staffers, and suspects they’re all trying to collect evidence of his Epstein Files cover-up to whistleblow against him.
The food truck Donald Trump used to sneak away from Air Force One is reportedly no longer used for food anymore after “fecal matter” was found inside.
A GOP Senate candidate says he did not “intentionally” jerk off two men at once, but rather he was doing Donald Trump’s trademark dance move when “two naked men appeared out of nowhere and ran into my fists weiner-first and got caught in my jerking motions.”
Trump reportedly needed to get his new hair piece because while gluing more gold decorations all over the Oval Office he absentmindedly glued one to his head, and removing it tore out his old hair piece.
A liberal billionaire reportedly bought the catering truck Trump hid in, and says he will give it to the Democrats to sign Trump’s impeachment in.
White House officials are reportedly worried for Trump’s young aide Natalie Harp’s welfare because the cyclosporiasis epidemic is raging across the US, and Trump’s exclusive fast food diet puts him at extreme risk of repeat diarrheal infections.
For the first time in over two years, Trump reportedly had no trouble staying awake while watching the girls’ events at his Patriot Games.
Congressional Republicans are complaining about their colleagues’ calls for canceling the August recess until the SAVE Act passes because they don’t want to delay their summer vacations with their mistresses, gay escorts, AIPAC lobbyists, and Russian money launderers.
An unknown prankster reportedly set up a dozen life-sized cardboard cutouts of Josh Hawley in various closets throughout the Capitol Building.
Bill Barr is reportedly relieved Todd Blanche got confirmed because now he’s safe for at least two more years from being subpoenaed by the DOJ to explain why in 2019 he killed the NM investigation into Epstein’s Zorro Ranch and rumors that many victims are buried there.
Stephen Miller is reportedly so upset that the Internet is joking about his wife’s previous fling with Eric Swalwell that he has locked himself in his coffin and he won’t come out.
Elon Musk reportedly feels bad about how many billions of dollars have been lost by people investing in SpaceX’s IPO.
Todd Blanche is reportedly worried Katie Phang’s lawsuit over the Epstein Files will blow up his vile coverup, force him to resign in disgrace, and he’ll be remembered as the shortest-serving, most villainous attorney general in US history long after he dies in prison.
A liberal billionaire is offering Josh Hawley $250,000 to publicly release his browser history.
The brand new “Christian men’s gym” in Georgia that bans women so faithful men can have “lust-free workouts” just had its second “abomination crisis” in the locker room showers only five days after the first.
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published the perfect book for you: Trump Comedy. I’ve also published two others: Satire In The Trump Years and Satire In The Biden Years.
Also check out my four existentialist poetry books: Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
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