The Great American State Fail

This is a TFN Bonus Story — you can adjust your settings here if you want to get just the weekday morning newsletter.

Support: Venmo | BuyMeACoffee | PayPal
TFN stuff: Podcast | Merch | Other TFN
Take action: Your representatives

The interwebs and social media are packed with signs of how the Great American State Fair is not packed. So, I wanted to create a sort of storehouse to inventory as much of the failness as I could in one place, not because this matters in the long run, but because it’s important to underscore just how massively Pres. Donald Trump can fail, and just how few people are turning up on demand for him anymore.

(And, just when the idiocy inventory starts to slide from hilarity into depression, I’ve got a bright spot for you.)

First, some context. With 250 years advance notice, Congress years ago set up America 250 to plan and organize commemorative events.

Then, because America 250 wasn’t his, Trump last year set up Freedom 250 to do the same thing, but his way: Poorly. With cronies and the biggest exhibit being the opportunities for corruption.

Ostensibly nonpartisan, Freedom 250 instead has been the other thing: Partisan. Instead of secular, like America, Freedom 250 injected its brand of Christianity into everything the way right-wing revisionist historians/fanfic writers inject it into American history.

We’ve already had the Freedom Trucks, traveling historical exhibits that traveled far and wide, far from history and wide of reality.

(See my reporting on the Christianization and sly antisemitism, and the stunning, disrespectul lie about Muhammad Ali’s religion.)

Finally, last week, Trump kicked it all off. The Great American State Fair’s been under way for several days now, so let’s go to the fair!

The Freedom 250 website promised “A world-class exposition and modern-day World’s Fair. …Featuring more than 150 exhibits from all 56 states and territories, businesses, innovators, and civic organizations.”

I ask you, what red-blooded American kid hasn’t begged their parents for the chance to see an exhibit from an innovator?

Organizers used the quarter-millennium advance notice they had to ensure that the structures housing the exhibits and displays were specifically tailored for the minuscule variations in the National Mall’s almost entirely flat ground.

Writer Amanda Moore captured some of the results: Fake columns made of fake stone that don’t meet the moment, or the surface of the Earth:

As Moore documented, the organizers used sophisticated design optics to make it appear as if the columns reached the ground unless you looked from the side or saw her picture online.

Nevertheless, with the fake columns up and fake-standing, organizers moved on to the main attractions.

Less than a month before opening day, Freedom 250 announced the musical lineup for the 16-day event.

When they realized they’d been had, performers started pulling out almost instantly. Which Trump hates. Ultimately, only Vanilla Ice was left standing. (Foreshadowing!)

So, Trump canceled the concert series — because who wants famous performers at a state fair? — and announced that he would be the main attraction. (Foreshadowing!)

Also pulling out of the state fair: States!

Even as the fair was preparing to open we learned that at least 11 states wouldn’t be participating — almost as if the “organizers” hadn’t locked down their participation, let alone addressed their concerns, at any point in the preceding 250 years.

Not joining the Great 78% of America State Fair:

• Connecticut

• Illinois

• Kentucky

• Maine

• Massachusetts

• North Carolina

• Oregon

• Pennsylvania

• Rhode Island

• Vermont

• Washington

The missing states still had stalls, however. (Foreshadowing!)

Less than a month in advance, the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) announced that the airspace around Reagan National Airport would be shut down for July 4th, when presumably no one had already booked flights for yet.

Why close the airspace? Because there’s gonna be an air show and fireworks. Apparently…at the same time?

Trump posted the day’s schedule thusly:

• 1:15pm - 11:30pm: Air show

• 9pm - God knows: Trump speaks

• Whenever Trump stops speaking: Fireworks

Slick move for kids and families to schedule fireworks to start at maybe 10pm! But also, the air show will go on throughout both his speech and the fireworks? Um.

And it’s not just any air show and fireworks.

According to Trump, the air show will be “the biggest, by far, in the History of the United States of America.” The fireworks will be “approximately ten times larger than any fireworks in the History of our Country.” Approximately?!? Don’t you know!?!

Either way, sounds like someone’s gonna die.

The Great American State Fair was launched by the man behind the magic: Trump himself.

His speech lasted about half an hour, which is literally the closest thing to a miracle MAGA’s savior has yet performed. If that was because he bored himself, he wasn’t alone in wishing he was alone: Dozens of listeners started not listening, and leaving, half-way through his half-hour.

The turnout, the Washington Post reported, was “smaller than some summer outdoor movie screenings.” Lemme guess … Antz-ifa?

After the speech, Trump perform his best-known act online: Daring high-wire lie-telling.

There were “at least 45,000 people” there for his speech, Trump lied, referring to the crowd of “nowhere near 45,000,” according to NBC.

By comparison, an estimated 350,000 people turned out Saturday for the 24th annual Pride parade in St. Petersburg, FL.

To honor Trump’s favorite American icons — guns and climate-change — the fair announced policies specifically reflecting the contributions of cars and guns to the American experience:

• “Firearms are strictly prohibited on the National Mall.”

• “We strongly recommend taking public transportation.”

Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy preceded Trump on the main stage, with a message that the fair was for all Americans, calling the musicians who canceled “libtards.” Not you, Vanilla!

Duffy left without explaining why they had scheduled a lineup of libtards in the first place and presumably did not take public transportation to get home.

On the fair’s first full day, workers weren’t ready to open on time, having had only one quarter of a millennium to prepare. They reportedly struggled to open the gates on time and were still “scrambling to hide construction debris” instead of just leaving it out and calling it a memorial to the East Wing of the White House.

Half an hour after opening time, the fair hadn’t opened. Power issues (foreshadowing!) were plaguing the electronic security checkpoints (metaphorical irony!) and, as you can imagine, all of this led to a massive buildup of wannabe visitors at the fair’s only two entrances.

In fact, you’ll have to imagine that, because despite all of those issues there was a massive lack of thronging, as seen at 10:55am, June 25.

Once the crowdlet made its way in, the generators just couldn’t handle the summer heat, which topped a scorching, um, 80 degrees.

Without power, the water was, um, 80 degrees. “"This whole production has been running behind," one vendor reportedly said, referring to the 250.1 years they needed to get ready.

The food hall lost power, forcing people to wait longer than Trump’s speech for their food to heat up. The ice cream melted, creating the best possible exhibit on America’s failure to fight climate change.

Although Trump the night before had promised America low prices, one (1) pretzel at the fair could cost you as much as $24.96, and presumably wasn’t covered by the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP).

Also available, $20 smash burgers and turkey legs that cost $23 to remind everyone of the first Thanksgiving, when socialist natives shared their food so we killed them.

Generator issues and an overheating engine also caused the Ferris wheel to take much of the day off.

To keep cool, visitors sat behind a scale model of Trump’s proposed Arch d’Trumph, jostling for space in the only shade not being thrown at Trump:

By the end of day one, the New York Times reported, the arch’s vinyl covering over its wooden frame “had already started buckling,” despite having the magical protection of the words “In God We Trust” on it.

Once the power issues were resolved, food vendors were all set to dish out the classic state-fair food that Health (sic) and Human Services (sic) Secretary Robert Fair-skipping Kennedy, Jr., would jail you for eating. Except there wasn’t any.

"Not a funnel cake, corn dog, bucket lemonade, or fried Snickers in sight,” said Washington, D.C., Councilmember Christina Henderson, attacking the Great American State Fair verbally like a terrorist.

Remember Vanilla Ice? The last act standing was still set to perform on Friday.

Canceled for rain.

But word of the fair’s appeal had begun to spread. And by Saturday, “thousands of people” were thronging the ten-block stretch of the mall, according to Fox, which somehow managed to aim its camera so that the entire space could be seen, but not the thousands of camera-shy people in it.

By day three, the fair had begun to resemble a sprawling tribute to the Donner Pass. Supplies were running out, Moore wrote. “It’s day 3 and they’ve run out of napkins.”

We can only imagine how week two will be. “Dearest Mater, all goes well at the fair. We subsist dividing up the last of the hard tack and $23 pretzels. Worry not for my mortal flesh. But prithee pray for my soul.”

A quick review of some state pavilions, exhibits, and displays that enthralled and delighted visitors with the panorama of the American experience as only Trump could poorly execute it.

Connecticut: This non-participating state, also one of the 13 states not to participate in the British Empire, was represented by chairs, and at least one human of the type found only in Connecticut:

Georgia: Visitors could see for themselves rare and stunning artifacts from this exotic territory, including Vidalia onions and an image of a Waffle House restaurant. An actual Waffle House restaurant.

Illinois: For this non-participating state, someone decided to have a talking hologram of Pres. Abraham Lincoln, presumably talking about something other than who he emancipated and why or who killed him and why.

Maine: This non-participating state was also represented by chairs, but of a slightly different design than Connecticut’s distinctively non-distinctive chairs.

Maine, of course, is famous for its chairs. I assume.

Behold the grand sweep of Maine chair history and diversity and wicker, with the state’s sparse population subtly reflected by the exhibit’s subtextual use of negative space:

Also there was a drawing of a lobster.

Massachusetts: A MAGA volunteer took matters into her own hands, since her state wasn’t participating. So Massachusetts was represented by both chairs and products made from maple: Candies and syrup.

Of course, Massachussets is famous for being next door to Vermont, which is famous for its maple syrup.

She also threw in a flier with a picture of Charlie Kirk, born less than 900 miles from Massachusetts.

North Carolina: NASCAR stepped up to support the stall for this non-participating state. Which included a video board flying the flag of Christian slavers and traitors!

One of the stall’s sponsors, Mt. Olive Pickle Company, pulled its pickle out. Which Trump hates.

After North Carolina officials complained about the traitor flag, the White House reportedly said it’s working on removing this layer of scum presumably quicker than they did at the reflecting pool.

Tennessee: To its credit, the Republican-run state actually included some history of women’s suffrage and desegration. Shhh, don’t tell Trump!

Here’s how NPR summed up the preternatural ability of the state exhibits to dissuade anyone from ever taking a road trip again:

“Visitors can salsa dance in Puerto Rico, milk a mechanical cow in Michigan, walk through an orange-scented citrus grove in Florida, practice their lasso skills in Wyoming, pick up Mardi Gras beads in Louisiana, send a postcard from West Virginia and peruse a Waffle House menu in Georgia.”

In fairness, it is great to hear that people can send postcards from West Virginia.

The Great American State Fair featured headliners such as Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins.

Rollins was the lead vocalist at the nonpartisan fair’s “panel discussion with other accomplished conservative women,” as the partisan Agriculture Department (USDA) put it in a post.

The crush of the audience pressing in to see accomplished conservative women in the wild forced organizers to set up a vast mosh prairie in front of the stage to try to create at least some room between the audience members.

It worked! Especially on those two at the other end!

This is why you have assigned seats, people!

Sadly, though, if you made the trip to the fair in order to meet and/or greet superstar artist Scott LoBaido, you had to time it just right.

As Moore shared with the world, LoBaido had a stall at the fair, but he’s a working artist, dammit, and you can’t meet and/or greet him while he’s working because he’s listening to music, so you must excuse his “extreme focus.”

That’s why LoBaido could only meet and/or greet on the hour.

Most of the attention to the fair’s attractions was hogged by all the ones that weren’t there. Here’s the New York Times review:

“…there were no butter sculptures, blue-ribbon livestock or prizewinning rutabaga pies to admire. But visitors could take in a gleaming portrait of President Trump, pick up a handbill promoting Turning Point USA and hear a speaker read a poem declaring every teen to be ‘a conscript in a spiritual world war.’”

Wait. No butter sculptures?!? Fuck you, RFK Jr.!!!

And don’t think we don’t know what happened to the blue-ribbon livestock.

In fairness, 78% of the states weren’t the only exhibitors at the nonpartisan event.

The Museum of the Bible was there, presumably not displaying the legal legacy of its funders, the Green family that got the Supreme Court to let companies drop birth control from their health-care plans because The Bible explicitly forbids corporations and LLCs from funding employee health-care plans that cover contraceptives that didn’t yet exist.

The right-wing Christian Hillsdale “College” was there, too, having helped create the Freedom Trucks convoy of lies, good Christian buddy.

Here’s a brief glimpse, via Stephanie Mencimer of Mother Jones, of the invisible crowd enjoying songs in praise of an invisible god.

Apparently, given the choice, visitors chose the highway over Yahweh.

Future Farmers of America was represented by Piper Stolipher, 15, who brought a pig to the fair and said she and her classmates brainstormed the most patriotic name they could think of for the pig: Melania.

That’s “because it’s the first lady’s name, and the hair colors kind of match,” Piper said, without specifying which hairs. Also, it wallows in filth and stomachs things no one else would. One key difference, Melania Trump has yet to attend the Great American State Fair.

But Melania the pig was only the second-most noteworthy pig at the Great American State Fair.

Y’know those audio-animatronic figures made to look like famous Americans and capable of motion like signing the Declaration of Independence or sticking their hand down their pants to, um, play the fife? The Great American State Fair had a live one!

Gian Rachtelli was arrested on day one and charged with giving his flag a one-handed salute while dressed like Uncle Sam, but your creepy Uncle Sam.

Witnesses told police he was watching the acrobats of Cirque Mechanics, and giving them a standing ovation in his pants. One witness reported that Rachtelli’s hand “moved back-and-forth approximately six times very uncomfortable.” For the witness, maybe!

One acrobat complained that the sight of one hand fapping made her uncomfortable, too. So Rachtelli was arrested.

And if you’re thinking you didn’t even know that Cirque d’Soleil has a division called Cirque Mechanics, they don’t. But Cirque Mechanics are possibly the finest performing acrobatic troupe in all of Henderson, NV. Behold the wonder, and, please, save your applause until the happy ending:

Other attractions included the possibility of eternal life through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

“Faith” is found throughout the fair, but only in generic form or under the Jesus brand name. (In fairness, the Freedom Truck that was there did include Judaism — only sometimes antisemitically — and also mentioned Islam, lying that Muhammad Ali renounced it.)

NPR asked whether any non-Christian faiths would be represented and Freedom 250 basically said non-Christians would be allowed to attend, assuming they don’t get too cocky.

Other secular nonpartisan attractions include a booth to sign kids up for “Trump accounts,” because what parent wouldn’t want to enlist their kid with the former best friend of Jeffrey Epstein?

Also, the fair’s daily calendar includes two (2) “MAHA Mondays,” at least two more than the recommended daily allowance of Vitamins R, F, and K.

The Independent: “[N]o roller coasters, midway games or carnival rides.” “It’s a ghost town.”

Josh White, Jewish, high school history teacher: “I don't feel included in this celebration.” “[T]his is kind of more of a reflection of how divided we are.”

Charles DeJesus, 44, three-time Trump voter: ““It wasn’t what I thought it was going to be, but that’s OK.”

Cary Peebles: “We’re still a democracy, which is huge.”

Henderson, the DC councilmember, spent an hour at the fair and shared her experience so you wouldn’t have to:

In short, the Great American State Fair encompassed the best of every state fair, except with none of the classic state-fair food, only one ride, and a teeny-tiny “rodeo” with bull-riding. If there’s one thing the fair did have in abundance, it was bull.

Because Trump throws a party like he ends a war: Notly.

In all, however, the fair is a fantastic representation of America as it stands today under the current administration. Inexperienced, incompetent organizers. Lack of planning. Lack of follow-through. Massive hype. Dodgy private involvement. Power failures. Food shortages. Fun shortages. Narrow, false portraits of America. Totally missing the point of America.

Remember I mentioned America 250?

Turns out they’ve come up with stuff, too. It’s not in the headlines, but apparently it’s making history and hundreds of thousands are showing up — if only because the events are actually nonpartisan and un-Trumpified.

It’s called Sail250.

Tall ships and other vessels are in the middle of a tour of five ports that started in New Orleans, will be in New York City over the July 4th weekend, and will culminate in Boston.

Baltimore this weekend was expecting more than 200,000 people at the waterfront for Sail250. Norfolk, VA, merged Sail250 with Juneteenth commemorations, and thousands came out despite the rain.

Reportedly, the un-Trumped armada will include what America 250 organizers call the “largest maritime and aerial gathering in American history.” That’s July 4 in New York, which will include an airshow of 150 Blue Angels and other planes, 40 tall ships, and dozens of other vessels and planes from almost 50 countries around the world that are still speaking to us.

Organizers are expecting six million spectators to line the New Jersey and New York waterfronts to witness the historic display of international good will and non-violent use of American military assets and just, y’know, be normal for once.

What better way to celebrate our past and inevitably better future?

You can get more info here. And you can check out some of the participating ships here.

Happy birthday, America. Enjoy these moments while we have them, because before you know it, the years will pass, we’ll put away childish things, and we’ll be all grown up…

TFN creator and writer Jonathan Larsen co-created Up w/ Chris Hayes and wrote for Countdown with Keith Olbermann at MSNBC, helped launch CNN’s Anderson Cooper 360° and Air America Radio, and has also worked at The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and The Young Turks.