Welcome to the second edition of The Neighbor Hotline! There are approximately a bajillion advice columns about romantic relationships, family relationships, friendship, parenting, sex, money, and work, but I’ve yet to encounter one that focuses on community relationships, so I decided to write one myself. If you think this work is important and find this advice useful, I’d so appreciate it if you became a paying member of this newsletter. Years of reporting and research have informed how I answer these questions. Rebuilding our social connections is an urgent project, and it feels ick to me to put the answers behind the paywall. Thanks so much to those who are inspired to support this cause!
Dear Neighbor Hotline,
I love to host and have been working on building up my Deep Casual skills. But one thing continues to gnaw at me: People who don’t RSVP! I am making peace with people who can’t or won’t reciprocate the invitation, but I find myself really hurt by people who don’t even acknowledge my invitations. I think there are many angles to the problem, such as too much digital communication and people maybe not understanding that it’s the type of event where an RSVP is requested (even when I ask for it). Practically, it’s frustrating because it’s hard to plan for events, and emotionally I find myself really bothered by it. I realize my reaction may be out of proportion, but it hurts. What is going on? Why don’t people RSVP? And how can I either 1) get them to or 2) get over it?
Signed,
Frustrated in Philly
✉️
Dear Frustrated,
First I want to commend you for putting yourself out there and extending some invitations. inviting people to events, even if they are Deep Casual is an act of vulnerability. It takes courage and gumption to put yourself out there and it’s totally understandable that you feel disappointed when you don’t hear back. I so wish we could bring back the social etiquette of a prompt RSVP, because it would make life so much easier for hosts.
You are correct there are two ways to tackle this problem. The first is using some effective strategies to get people to actually respond to invites, and the second is working on yourself to not get discouraged when people don’t respond promptly and clearly. First, let’s start with how to invite people effectively, so you actually get an answer about whether or not they’re attending.
The number one reason I think people don’t respond to invitations actually comes from a place of insecurity. They don’t feel like their presence really matters. When people believe this on a conscious or unconscious level, it seems like not a big deal whether or not they RSVP or show up. As hosters, it’s easy to overlook this perspective, because we think, “Of course I want them to come, that’s why I invited them!” But a lot of the ways we invite people doesn’t actually transmit our warmth and intention. That’s a big disconnect I see going on between hosts and guests, so let’s bridge this divide.
One way to up the chance of response and communication about whether someone can attend is to really make sure it’s clear to them that this invite is personal and special to them. Make sure guests know it matters to you whether or not they attend. For a small event, like one to three families, such as a Deep Casual dinner, I individually and personally text someone to invite them. Not a group text, not an email, not an Evite. This makes it clear that this invite is for them specifically, and therefore I’m expecting a response.
Imagine the how you’d feel receiving this individual message:
“Hey, I’m thinking about you. I hope the puppy is feeling better this week. We’d love to have you and the fam over for Pizza on friday, thinking around 6pm. Let me know if you are free.”
Vs. Group text sent to ten people:
“Hey this Friday is Pizza night! Let me know who can come so I can put in an order.”
Both are Deep Casual invites, but they’d feel very different to receive, right? And I think message one is MUCH more likely to receive a prompt response.
Part of being a host these days is being a wrangler. Don’t feel shy about following up within a day or two to an invite if there’s a short lead time. If you don’t receive a response then, that means the answer is no
If you are organizing a bigger event with a longer lead time and it makes sense to use an electronic platform like Partiful or Paperless Post, the same rules apply to help people feel like their presence matters. If you don’t get a response after a week, send an individual message
1) Checking in on them.
2) Confirming they got the invite.
3) Reiterating how much you’ll hope they’ll come.
Emphasizing how much you want them there rather than, “I need a headcount, you inconsiderate dolt!!!!” will make the invite feel more enticing and get you a higher response rate.
Also, “maybe” as an RSVP is actually a no. Don’t even bother putting it as an option on electronic invites if possible.
I also highly recommend sending a reminder message the day of the event to cut down on people simply forgetting, if they agreed to come.
And a pro-tip: when I occasionally organized events that have a cost associated, like a sauna session where everyone was splitting the cost, clearly stating in my individual message, “There’s room for eight and your RSVP is sending a Venmo for $30” Dramatically upped prompt response behavior and removed the uncertainty of what happened if people flaked and then others had to pay more as a result. This doesn’t make sense for a lot of gatherings like dinners hosted in your home, but it’s a clutch tool for activities with costs or trips. Keep it in your back pocket.
Now, onto the second part of your question: How to deal with your feelings when people don’t respond at all to an invite.
Our feelings get hurt by what we make up about the silence. It’s very common to see a non-response as a negative personal referendum. We then spiral, thinking. “They don’t like me.” “They think my gatherings are boring.” “They don’t care about our relationship.” “I’m not important to them.” When in reality the silence is much more likely to be about them than you. In addition to feeling like their presence doesn’t matter, here are some other common reasons people don’t RSVP.
1) They don’t know their schedule so they don’t want to commit.
2) They can’t come and they don’t want to say it because they wish they could come.
3) They are overwhelmed and forget to respond.
4) They missed the invitation.
5) Something hard is going on in their life and they just can’t communicate that at the moment.
If after following guidance on making sure people feel their presence matters, you don’t hear anything, accept that the answer is no, and remind yourself it’s probably not about you. Based on your relationship, after the event it may be worth a followup to check on them. I was once in a group text about planning something and one person was uncharacteristically not responding. Me and other group members wondered if this was somehow about us. I decided to reach out to her directly 1:1 after a few non-responses and learned a family member just died. It wasn’t about us!
If you’ve invited someone a few times, used these techniques and are still not getting a response, it’s totally OK to move on to putting your energy towards people who are more interested and available for attending the type of gatherings you want to host.
Good luck!
I’d love to hear from readers, what do you think of my non-response theory? And how do you deal with RSVP non-responses? What works and what doesn’t?
Have a question about community life? Email the Neighbor Hotline at askthedoubleshift at gmail.com
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