The Daily MashNews – The Daily Mash
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The nine undeserving candidates to be the UK’s next City of Culture and why they should all fail
THE UK is looking for its next City of Culture and has ignored the obvious candidates in favour of locations with no connection to culture whatsoever. These are they.
Miriam Margolyes replaces JK Rowling as author of Harry Potter
ACTOR and left-wing idol Miriam Margolyes has replaced JK Rowling as the writer of the Harry Potter series, following online backlash.
Foolish undergraduate taking course that only enriches her spirit
A NAIVE 18-year-old has decided to take a degree that will do nothing but deepen her understanding of the world and appreciation of the human experience.
Six working-class sex fantasies of middle-class couples
UPTIGHT middle-class couples indulge in the ultimate taboo in the bedroom and pretend they’re common. These are six of their darkest fantasies.
‘I murdered her with an Emma Bridgewater teapot’: Real killers on adopting the cosy crime trend
COSY crime is booming, and real-life murderers are not immune to its charms with more and more unsolved killings marked by tweeness.
Burnham gives Ukraine blueprints for bus harmonisation
Picture of Kate smiling is sickening hammer blow to Sussexes’ ambitions
HARRY and Meghan are thought to be reeling in shock after their whole return to Britain was shattered by a picture of beautiful Kate smiling delightedly.
Atlantis, and other things easier to find than an NHS dentist
BAD teeth due to being British? Theoretically an NHS dentist can treat you, but due to underfunding and greed you would have more luck finding these.
We can see who you follow on Instagram, say women
WOMEN have reminded their boyfriends, husbands and male family members that they can see who they follow on Instagram and have no intention of pretending they cannot.
Bride clearly angling bouquet toward specific friend
A NEWLYWED woman throwing her bouquet is very obviously trying to ensure it lands in the hands of a particular unwed friend.
We ask you: What’s your libellous theory of why Harry and Meghan are moving to the UK?
THE Duke and Duchess of Sussex are moving to Britain, and we’ve all got our own legally inadmissible opinions as to why. What’s yours?
Man definitely didn’t just freshen up willy in girlfriend’s sink
A man who emerged from the bathroom ready for intercourse is pretending he did not wash his horrible knob in his girlfriend's lovely sink.
The Archbishop of Canterbury on… Nigel Farage, ending benefits for Britain’s own good
Waking up with a hangover that's left my anus barking like a dog, I imbibe more water than a data centre to take the edge off.
Meghan takes role in EastEnders
THE Duchess of Sussex has announced she has been offered a major role in the soap opera EastEnders .
Harry to try to return to royal life as if nothing happened
THE Duke of Sussex is going to try and waltz back into the Royal family by pretending the last six years did not happen.
Sussexes to handle unpopularity with British public by never, ever meeting them
Who is Natalie Harp? The woman who, please God no, for her sake, may be sleeping with Trump
ONE of President Trump’s personal staff who, nobody likes to think about it but it’s possible, may be having sex with him has come to prominence. Who is Natalie Harp?
Why we know salary is the last thing on your mind, by a hiring manager
MONEY is vulgar. We know you’re applying for this position because you believe you can maximise value for our shareholders. That’s why we prefer not to bring it up.
Your hate keeps us young, Harry tells Britain
PRINCE Harry has informed Britain that only bathing in its utter loathing for them keeps him and his wife young.
1 the same as A*, teen tells parents
A TEENAGER has convinced his parents that a grade 1 is the equivalent to an A* in the updated GCSE marking scheme.
I hold all my key Zoom meetings in Wetherspoons. This phone speaker ban will hurt my bottom line
'BUY,' 'Sell,' What's the margin on that?' and 'Borrow in yen and invest in bonds.' Just a few of the things I say while running a major business from Wetherspoons.
‘Sober at work’ and other acting roles you should be recognised for
ACTING isn't the preserve of the good-looking, the talented, or even their nepo babies. Ordinary people like you perform, and these six turns in particular deserve an Oscar.
Teacher doesn’t give a toss what ex-pupil doing now
A secondary school teacher could not care less what some kid they taught 20 years ago is up to these days.
Five occasions men wear their one generic M&S suit
THE estate of manhood comes with a single inoffensive M&S suit, to be worn at each and every formal social event. Including these.
‘You’re my lobster’ and other quotes from TV shows people need to get the f**k over
THE unimaginative walk among us, still trotting out quotes from TV shows that ceased broadcast decades ago. These six scream ‘Jesus Christ, watch something else’.