regulating your nervous system through collapse by tahira

to be transparent, i write this without a medical degree or license, just as a zillenial in my sixth year of living outside of amerikkka, but somewhat still within the imperial core. i write this as someone who, like you, was programmed to believe that working hard in amerikkka earns you whatever your heart desires. i write this as someone who, like the majority of my age mates, is being shown otherwise. but, unlike most, i can say that i’ve grieved the loss of the future we were told we’d have, and i’ll tell you exactly how i did it.

like anyone else living under white supremacist capitalist patriarchy, my nervous system was programmed to operate on chaos and sociopathy. and i did so for many years, but underneath, i started acknowledging that i wouldn’t be able to function like that for much longer. in the interim, my methods of coping with that disconnect included trying to drink, smoke and sex ‘it’ away, as solangé knowles’ said. i tried to buy, ignore, vacation and escape ‘it’ away too, but eventually i got tired of my own shit and pretending that the world i was programmed to operate in still existed. i started to feel that the only way i’d survive this earth-shattering realization was to fully wake the fuck up.

so instead of continuing to run, i began to accept that the old world was crumbling, and a new one, being born before my eyes. over the course of my 20s, i shifted from feeling that this was a great disservice, to seeing it as a liberating opportunity. during this time, my experiences with climate catastrophe no longer scared me shitless but pushed me to become more aware, adaptable and community-driven. the implosion of the world’s most violent empire no longer filled me with fear because i started to believe in my purpose; and because enough of my ancestors survived antiblackness and misogynoir, the destabilization of their home countries, eugenics, sexual assault, christofascism, the fucking middle passage, and developing the world economy, to make my existence possible, there was no way in hell that i’d relegate myself to living in a mindset of despair.

so after accepting that my world was changing, i entered a phase of truth and reconciliation. during this time, i decided to restructure my reality upon several truths, the forefront-most that: (1) “living in this day-and-age is not an inconvenience, but a destiny i won’t waste.” (2) “death is a welcome imminence because i fill my life with meaning and purpose every single day.” and my favorite, (3) “no matter what happens in the outer world, i alone can ensure that my inner world is a paradise of my own creation”—not the projections of anyone outside of myself, not even sociopathic hypercapitalists seeking to keep me feeling empty in order to sell me things. writing these truths that scared me shitless for many years into my life helped me to dissipate my anger about the state of the world.

which brings me to phase three of my nervous system regulation: return to self. here, i scrubbed away at defunct paradigms society programmed into me, which freed me to discover what i value at my core. i did things purely for my own enjoyment and let go of how those things were perceived. activities that i once did out of obligation became some of my greatest joys: swimming, cooking from scratch, and spending time with my relatives. i became (responsibly) pleasure-centered and decided that anything i engaged in in that pursuit only had to make sense to me. i boxed one day and went to play parties the next; i even fell in love with hiking, which i previously regarded as an inherently caucasian activity. during this time, somatic practices became my lifeline, each one chipping away at my gnawing sense of perfectionism installed by white supremacy. we live so much of our lives outside of our bodies, agonizing over perceptions, acceptance and validation, so returning to myself meant living in whatever way felt most expansive to me while doing as little harm as possible.

and so in phase four i began aligning with my new reality: choosing to live in abundance despite it all. somewhat counterintuitively, this meant saying ‘no’ to more financial opportunities; anything that didn’t align with my values, caused more harm than good, perpetuated white supremacy, drained my energy, or that when i envisioned myself doing it, simply didn’t feel right in my body. i realized that even in the material world, my idea of wealth is feeling at peace with every single opportunity i’ve said ‘yes’ to, and that when my gut has told me ‘no,’ but i said ‘yes’ anyways, i’ve always paid for it (derogatory). i embraced the spirit of Palestinians, West Papuans and Aboriginal who continue to resist genocide, and decided that no matter what the old world ‘took’ from me, i wouldn’t abandon my values. aligning with this new reality also showed me that the more decisions i make in alignment with my values, the more money and opportunities show up with ease.

while living in full trust of the universe has been a constant through all phases of my nervous system regulation, phase five distinctly required me to reconfigure my systems. previous phases showed me i’m most at peace when i experience a mixture of adventure and groundedness, frivolity and discipline, social time with people of various cultures and animals, as well as ample time alone and in nature, so i said ‘yes’ to opportunities that give me that (especially, house sitting). instead of living in chaos, i shift between three to five daily routines that i employ depending on my setting or needs. within relationships, i seek control solely over my perspective and my reactions, allowing all else to reveal itself to me. i have long broken up with performing goodness, choosing instead to embody kindness, which gives everyone cross paths with the freedom of being who they truly are, instead of performing for me too.

through these practices that helped me regulate, i feel hopeful about my future and that of all humanity and earth-kind, too. i spend a lot more time in bliss of how beautiful of a life i get to live, even with white supremacist capitalist patriarchy still having its knee on my neck. i neither shy away from the truth of how violent this world is, nor agonize over how i will survive it all; i’ve long made peace with the idea that i very well might not, but i know my spirit can survive it all. i use my awareness as a weapon of resistance, and my love of humanity, as a balm, healing me through it all. that’s what nervous system regulation has done for me, and what i hope it can do for you, too.

let’s do this work together.