"I need my relationship with a little bit of milk."

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Love is complicated. A mystery to even my own heart.
***
"I love you" seems so easy and natural for other people to say.
I speak English, Mandarin and Cantonese. I have studied Japanese, French and Korean. But I still can't seem to speak Love.
***
There is the ideal version—the fantasy.
There are the versions we make up to survive.
And there is reality.
Love stories—Romantic, Familial or Platonic

***
Many experts on the subject have told us that love, actually, is a choice.
After the fireworks, love takes work.
***
Bell Hooks:
"Love is an action, never simply a feeling."
***
Everyone speaks their own language when it comes to love. When we agree to enter into relationship, we are agreeing to a commitment to learn the other’s language—to speak it, to listen for what the same word in my language means in yours.
***

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You and I were in the same fight,
but we were each wounded in our own ways.
The next morning, our words could still find no way of reaching each other.
We both wanted to be heard, but neither was ready to listen.
It was a losing battle.
The only way was to walk away.
As I did, I heard that familiar voice
rise out of my shadow (self):
This is The End.
***
“You are always looking for a reason to leave.”
—The character on-screen said, as if breaking the fourth wall, to expose my own secret to me.
***
I walked away
Notebook, laptop, heart hurting shut and vengeful, to the cafe
A trail of your serrated words behind me.
***
Consumed by the force of my inner calamity,
The words spewed out of me, an exodus
(We must find ways to survive.)
I wrote and I wrote—
how long had I been sitting in front of that sad and beautiful ocean?—
And I wrote
Our Ending.
I wrote my way out.
A unilateral victory for the wounded child.
***
Then you came
No more words or blame
You put a coconut on the table and
a kiss, gingerly, on my forehead
Your peace offering left me at war with only my self.
***
You are always looking for a reason to leave.
Because leaving was how I saved myself.
Leaving is the easy way out.
***

“There’s misunderstanding, jealousy, fighting, and making up. All those emotions you can afford to be lazy with when you’re alone suddenly have to work overtime.”

(A line from the Korean drama, Love Me)

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***
You, blow-drying my hair.
It's our intimacy, you said.
You, lending me a hand with practical matters big and small—help I still don't quite know / like to ask for.
You, holding my hand to sleep.
You, from another time zone, sending me a reminder 40 minutes before the last bus so I don’t miss it again. (The last time I missed the 5:03pm community bus from Izu-Kogen station, I waited close to an hour in the cold and dark, bags of groceries in tow, before I found a way home.)
You, quietly giving me the space and solitude I need in the morning.
You, on days when I feel tired, unwell or defeated, giving me a head massage until I fall asleep.
—Me, learning your love language, learning to understand and appreciate it more
***
One married friend told me that there had been a few years in her marriage when it got so unbearable that she wanted not only to divorce him, but she fantasised plotting his murder.
What made you stay through those dark years?
Despite everything, she said, I love him. I remembered the man I fell in love with. Why I fell in love with him. He is the one for me.
Eventually, they talked it out and worked it out.
Love will continue to be work, in progress.
***
Love is choosing the person over and over again.
***
In our relationship, there are three:
Me, You and Us
All parts need their own space, love and nourishment in order to flower.
***
Another married friend:
He travels a lot. That helps. I'm happy whenever he goes on his business or boys' trips. Of course I don't tell him that. But that's my me-time, and I can re-organise my wardrobe to my heart's content, with no interference or raised eyebrows.

“V has gone fly-fishing up near Bathurst. Two whole days and nights alone in the flat. I wallow in the luxury—stand in one room, then in another, put on a boppy record, try on all my clothes and shoes, practise applying and removing eye make-up.”

Helen Garner

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Mum's love is food.
Homemade meals of my childhood favourites, especially her soups. Buying me the best version (in her opinion) of salt bread she can find when I returned home for a quick visit—an attempt to relive the ones we both enjoyed so much in Seoul.
***
Mum's love is constant worrying.
About my work. About finding a (more) permanent home. About my solo travelling. Whether I'm keeping myself warm and properly fed. A love that, at times, feels heavy. Because there is nothing you can say or do to stop a mother from worrying. The love and life, safety and security she wants for me might have been the very things she didn't get enough of for herself. Her fears became her fears for her children. But the lives we (my brother and I) want for ourselves—and our own collection of worries and anxieties that come with—do not fit, or belong, in her story.
***
It is not possible to understand the love of a mother if you have never been one. I am not one. But I am starting to get a grasp of what Ann Patchett (also not a mother by choice) means when she wrote, "Contrary to popular belief, love does not need understanding to thrive."
So, whenever I feel the burden of her worrying and wish that she didn't, I remind myself that I don't need to understand. It's enough to acknowledge, accept and appreciate that this is how she loves. That this, too, is love. 

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Aude:
Go where your calling is, my friend. Where your soul goes, your body will follow.
Also Aude:
I hope you are enjoying the little things in life wherever you are.
Fai:
Life is beautiful. Messy. Real. Fragile. Ever-changing. And beautiful.
Daven:
It’s okay to disappoint other people if you avoid disappointing yourself.
Also Daven:
Oh I always put myself first!
Farida:
Leave behind all that doesn’t serve you anymore and move forward in and with light, and love, to shine abundantly in every area of your life.
Pearlin:
You did something very brave, to uproot and leave everything behind. That, you have to give yourself credit for.
Your newsletter always brings five to 10 minutes of peace when I read it. It’s very soothing and I almost feel like I’m there with you.
2025 has been incredibly healing, just like how I wanted it. There were a few downs but so many ups—in every aspect of my life. I’m looking forward to going into 2026 with the same positive mindset, no big resolutions.
I always remember Elizabeth Gilbert saying: We are not Fortune 500 companies, there’s no need to post increasing profits. There’s no need to validate your existence. 

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T:
2025 was plagued with mishaps, but I grew a lot. I'm much more calm and less reactive emotionally. I think that helps.
Also T:
You have a great gift in the way you write. You will find your way.
May:
I hope you find where you belong.
Ange:
Summon it.
Also Ange:
Drink salt water. Does wonders. (For headaches.)
Carrie:
May you continue to expand your world every time you step into discomfort, and step away with a broader view of the world and a clearer understanding of your beautiful self. 

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Gelato flavour:
Artichoke & Walnut
Books:
The Correspondent, Virginia Evans
Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal, Jeanette Winterson
How To End A Story, Helen Garner
This House of Grief, Helen Garner
The Divine Comedy, Dante Alighieri (Translated by Robin Kirkpatrick)
These Precious Days, Ann Patchett
Self-care:
Wadake, for massage and acupuncture
Cooking for myself more, putting more care and love into my meals
Drama Series:
Love Me
Podcast / YouTube:
Alex Cooper's interview with Rosé on Call Her Daddy
Skincare:
The Rich Cream, Augustinus Bader
(I understand what Vivien means now when she says AB is a skin-saver in winter.)

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I hadn’t planned on it, and was a little surprised, that Love would turn out to be the theme of my first letter of 2026. There was no running away from it as I kept running into materials pertaining to Love—not just that of the romantic nature, but also love for friends, family, my self and life. It was clear that Love wanted to be heard, and the only way I could assuage her—and my own heart—is to unmute her. Is to dare to listen. Is to write.
I must have read through the letter a hundred times before feeling somewhat ready-ish to send it out. This feels especially vulnerable. But necessary. I hope these words speak to you in some little way, and make you feel seen somehow in your own love stories.
How apropos, too, as we’re galloping into February (counting down now ⏳). Month of Love. Year of the Fire Horse (Horse, my year). And, if you look up, you'll see a full moon in Leo right off the bat to fire things up. I’m feeling a new excitement. A shift in energy. What your heart desires is already on the way. Can you feel it?
P.S.
The title of this newsletter is one of my favourite Carrie Bradshaw lines from SATC. What a delicious coffee metaphor for love/relationships. 

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Love,

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