Alone again

“The future came, as it always does, with its changes and its things that stay the same.”

1. A lot has changed in only two months and eighteen days.
   A lot could change in much shorter time.
   I think it’s important that things change—no matter
   how uncomfortable (or sad) it makes me.
   It’s important to know that things can change.
   

2. And I have to want it,
   I have to make up my mind and
   make deliberate moves to change the course of things—
   even though there’s no way of knowing what, actually,
   could / would happen next.
   

3. I have stayed for too long.
   

4. Be careful—
   for you will start to convince yourself you belong here.
   Do not confuse familiarity with belonging. With home.
   

5. “The relief of reading and being alone. The relief of trying to write.” —Amina Cain, Indelicacy
   

6. Mornings,
   with only me in it.
   

7. I couldn’t bare listening to my thoughts anymore. I couldn’t shut them up.
   They were getting the rest of me all riled up. My heartbeat rising like a tidal wave over my ears, my mind. My hands shaking, against my will.
   I ducked into a nearby cinema. In the dark, for three hours,
   I escaped my own storms and watched a man fight his way through his.
   

8. In the end, it wasn’t fighting that brought him home.
   It was surrendering.
   

9. "You’re a man who needs to control his fate. But you cannot control this. You must give yourself to the storm, and take your punishment. Give up the fight, give up control, and live. It is a leap of faith you haven’t yet made, Odysseus.” —Calypso
   

10. Reminder: Protect your energy.
    

11. I have been noticing new sides of me coming to the surface lately.
    Some of them are new. Some only feel new because I had forgotten these parts of me existed. With certain people, these parts feel free-r (perhaps safer) to show themselves again.
    

12. I think I am laughing more and tolerating less.
    

13. That day over lunch with May, there came a moment when we found ourselves with nothing particularly “important” to do, or say. We started being silly, laughing and giggling, behaving like teenagers. Like no one was watching. Oh, but there were glances from serious strangers with important things to do and discuss. Oh, but May and I had fun. We needed it more than we both realised. Fun. Before we had to return to our respective lives, to being adults. It was nice. It is nice—to have friends you can be silly with. To laugh until you smudge your eyeliner.
    

14. “You don’t have to prove anything… Try to enjoy yourself.” —Amina Cain, Indelicacy
    

15. If you don’t like where your story is going, turn the page, write a new one.
    

16. J and I met up after what feels like an age. We wasted no time on small talk. Neither of us is good at it anyway. For one-and-a-half hours, we chatted. As our glasses of cacao matcha emptied, our hearts were filled and lightened all at once.
    

17. “Low-maintenance friendship,” she calls it.
    

18. I am leaving again. Another change of address. I have lost count.
    

19. Every time I embarked on a new beginning, I wondered how the ending would differ each time. What would the last sentence of this current chapter be?
    

20. I took the suitcase out of storage, and started putting things in it. The most difficult part of packing, for me, is attempting to imagine how I might feel on days that are still in the future. How could I know what mood I would wake up in next Thursday, and how I’d want to dress for that day’s me? Will there be sunshine, will there be rain?
    

21. I was endlessly, needlessly anxious about the uncontrollable, unpredictable future.
    (“Surrender.”)
    

22. “The future came, as it always does, with its changes and its things that stay the same.” —Amina Cain, Indelicacy
    

23. Alone again. You have been holding your breath for this.
    In many ways, I, too, am free.
    

24. All this leaving and going and going
    Everywhere—and nowhere
    All I really want is to come home
    To my self
    All I want is to come home where
    I can be at home

    Finally.

🍙 Notes From Osaka

dieci kyutaro

Wandered into a shop after brunch. I loved the energy in here. Things made with care, made me extra care-full, too, in how I moved through the space and how I lifted up these objects. Many things I want to take home with me to my new apartment. In the end, I chose a pair of home slippers. It’s coral red. It’s extremely comfortable. I slipped my foot in for a quick feel. I saw myself padding around my new home in them.

“Hand memories.” 😍

Baz Luhrmann

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99:
Wear Sunscreen
If I could offer you only one tip for the future,
Sunscreen would be it
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists
whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience...
I will dispense this advice now...
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth
oh never mind;
you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself
and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked...
You are not as fat as you imagine
Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind
the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday
Do one thing every day that scares you
Sing
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts
don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours
Floss
Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you′re ahead, sometimes you’re behind...
the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults
if you succeed in doing this, tell me how
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements
Stretch
Don’t feel guilty if you don′t know what you want to do with your life...
the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives
some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t
Get plenty of calcium
Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won′t
maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won′t
maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding
anniversary...
what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either
your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s
Enjoy your body
use it every way you can...
don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it
it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own
Dance... even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly
Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good
Be nice to your siblings
they are the best link to your past
and the people most likely to stick with you in the future
Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle
because the older you get
the more you need the people you knew when you were young
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard
live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft
Travel
Accept certain inalienable truths
prices will rise
politicians will philander
you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young
prices were reasonable
politicians were noble
and children respected their elders
Respect your elders
Don’t expect anyone else to support you
Maybe you have a trust fund
maybe you have a wealthy spouse
but you never know when either one might run out
Don’t mess too much with your hair
or by the time you’re 40, it will look 85
Be careful whose advice you buy, but
be patient with those who supply it
Advice is a form of nostalgia
dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off
painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth
But trust me on the sunscreen

Love,