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Forty-eight. 48 is just a number. *** No cake, No candles. No wishes. But yes, very yes—to life Let's play My rules Tap ♥ to begin. *** (April 3) Somewhere between South Korea and Japan, Somewhere over the rainbow, way up in clouds, I entered into a new territory. Fresh lines in my story, as told by my face Fatigue, languishing skin, presbyopia and all Come with the territory. But so does this rebirth of confidence— So soft, so powerful. Happy birthday.
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*** Please, wait not until you're 78 (or on your death bed) to realise that it is impossible to please everyone—anyone, really. You can, however, please yourself. Do not wait one more day to live this ephemeron of a life, for you. Do not wait another moment to remember your dream and give it life— create something full of meaning, full of joy, for you— and the like-hearted shall find their own light and might by yours. Free at last, from such self-sabotaging psychic muck as What would they think?, What if they hate it? What if they hate ME? What if it doesn't work out? What if I make a stupid mistake and embarrass myself? What if it turns out to be a complete waste of time? Oh, I'm not ready yet... Now is not the right time... What if no one understands? What if I regret it? What if they retract their fondness and love for me? Please, *** , just do it. For you. *** "There’s no such thing as true love without first embracing your true self." —Madame Genevieve Delacroix
“That summer I stood in the centers of storms
That summer my despair burst out into crimson but still I weathered the wind and rain.
—Lee Seong-bok, That Summer's End: Poems
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*** April morning Waking up What a treat it is A treat? Yes, merely to wake up To breathe you, and greet you, April's First To get to know this day —to have a hand in it Oh, the absurdity, that I shall need remind myself that this is precious *** This day, once it leaves the station, shall never again return. *** I blink open my eyes and take in the room. Smells different. The light possesses a different quality. Where am I? City Number 3. Day 10 since I set off. Today is April 3. I am in Seoul, but only for a few hours more. Earth has orbited the Sun 48 times since the day I arrived in this body— "Karman" With a K. A name bearing karma. I blink open my eyes and take in the room. Smells different. The light possesses a different quality. Where am I? Life Number xxx. Day xxxxxxx since I set off. Today is April 3 (1978). I am on Earth, but only for xx years more. *** I read that the days are getting shorter. (July 9 last year was reportedly the shortest day of 2025 as Earth spun 1.34 milliseconds quicker than the regular 24-hour rotation.) I knew it. I have felt this anomaly for a while now. Maybe you have, too. Not just a delusion then, or the sense that "I must not be spending life right". Look at us, human beings, not always being human. Is it so shocking that Life is finally getting short with us? ***
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(a) Spring— Somewhere, sakuras are blossoming Somewhere, an old destiny concluding (b) Spring— Somewhere, it's minus seventeen degrees Somewhere, a world divided, Silent prayers for peace (c) Spring— I dreamt of a white cat on the first night The grass is greener where I'm on my side (d) Spring— A new season returns A season of returning (Old friends and analogue days, BTS and Brontë, Being real and going it your way.) Spring— It was only a matter of time (March 19, 2026) *** An impulse to erase my Instagram wall. Hey, what do you think exists beyond the wall? Who are you beyond that wall? *** New structure and rituals forming. You can't reach new places following an old map. In the mornings, I write. In the afternoons, I watch life happening all around me. In the evenings, I rest. New selves New realities forming... ***
“Put the brush to the canvas carefully. And then a little something was born, something that hadn’t existed a second ago. As I repeated this one step, the little something turned into a big something.
Soon, the something began to form a vague world. It was my world.”
—Eto Mori, Colorful
“It wasn’t so much that I was acquiring the techniques; it felt more like gradually getting back a thing that had always belonged to me.”
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*** It can be so simple. Each time I've fed myself well, made myself a meal with good ingredients and with care, I feel happy. Loved. *** You and I are better, a lot better with a little distance between us. *** The secret to a happy relationship. I've always believed it to be one (or more) of the following, depending on what a couple could agree on and manage: 1. Separate beds 2. Separate bedrooms 3. Separate bathrooms (Some things—and sounds—should forever remain private, till death do us part.) 4. Separate wings within a home 5. Separate homes, living as next-door neighbours Stay separate to stay together. I was under the impression that I must be the odd one out in this way of thinking. And then, I discovered that the Japanese have long been in on this "secret". But of course they have... (I've noticed a number of elderly couples here holding hands, linking arms, going on evening walks, conversing with respect and humour—a picture of affection and happiness.)
Send this to a friend who comes to mind 💌
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Shin Osaka Station. Kyoto Station. Atami Station. Like déjà vu, I'm making my way through the maddening crowd, yet again. Rushing—as nimbly as I can manage with my hefty suitcase, heftier still with an oversized leather tote in tow—from one platform to the next, one escalator, one elevator to another, this train to that. I have minutes to hotfoot it aboard the connecting train. My legs are striding, the wheels are wheeling, and my eyes fixed on the sea of fellow travellers before me, themselves racing, too. Against time, and against the machines that will deliver us to our intended destination, hopefully without delay or incident. All of a sudden, out of the blue, I think of Neo. Yes, Matrix Neo. Keanu Reeves Neo. And the sea of people before me turns into a cascade of green gibberish. Instead of looking at the obstacles, I'm now seeing the gaps between the obstacles, all the empty spaces, the open paths. What is possible. Shift your gaze to shift your reality. Anxiety kiboshed, and attention refocused on the breath. I knew in that moment: I will make it. Even if I don't, I will. I did in fact miss my Limited Express from Atami to Izu-Kogen*. The good news is, there is always another train. Perhaps it's the one I'm supposed to get on instead. So I took a deep breath, steered my suitcase in an unplanned direction, and off I set. Like I said, I made it. I arrived at where I needed to be. Not a moment too soon.
“(T)o be free, you cannot change your cage. You have to change yourself.”
—Line from an original script of Matrix‘s final scene, according to Medium
*Note to travellers:
1. Always buy your JR / Shinkansen ticket in advance. Best to do so in person at the station if you can.
2. Check and confirm the walking distance between platforms at the ticket counter.
3. You will be shown route options to choose from. Budget at least 30 minutes between trains even if the platforms seem near enough to keep your itinerary—and sanity—in tact.
4. And if you should miss a train (it happens to the most seasoned of travellers), keep calm and breathe, because there is always another way :)
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*** (Flashback: Last month, Singapore) I attended a class called “Path To Self-wisdom: A Shamanic Journey”. My first time. Through guided visualisation, I was led into a forest, then into a tree, a library, a garden. In each of these places, I was asked questions and invited to make choices, connect with what I saw and how I felt. An excavation for answers / wisdom lodged deep within. Afterwards, Tamsin, the guide, said: “What if you approached what you do with the spirit of fun? Purpose doesn’t need to be as heavy and complicated as we make it. Have fun!” I left the room holding her parting words close. Have fun. I reached the bottom of stairs. Back in the street, I made a right turn. And there they were—in big bold letters, staring right at me through the window of a cafe:
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*** Nic: Well, you have a new purpose now. Me: I do? Nic: You're going to be an aunt. Me: Do you think that's a purpose? Nic: It is something. ***
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For a long time, I have relished my solitude. Guarded it as if my life depended on it (and I suppose it did, for a time). Solitude has been my sanctuary and armour. It's a curious sensation then, when, lately, solitude has felt in moments like something else. Like a cloak under which I hide. Like an escape. Might go as far as to say, like self-imposed exile. Suddenly, where I find solitude, I find a sillage of fear, of cowardice. Hmm, that's new. Something seemed to have changed inside of me. Why am I feeling jolts of loneliness on this trip? I chose this reality—to spend my birthday season away from home. It is I, no one else, who orchestrated this distance between my self and my friends, and mum and Nic, and D. I take pleasure in being alone, still, but the balance has tipped. What if it is not aloneness at the root of this loneliness? What if it is symptomatic of a heart (re)-opening after years in lockdown mode? A longing for connection. I have people I miss these days. And I do miss them. I find myself updating them on my whereabouts. I text them nothing of great significance. I send them photos of what I'm enjoying—a setting sun in the sky, another in the water, a pretty slice of sakura financier, a well-crafted matcha latte, teishoku that looks like a garden and tastes like utopia, a park painted pink by cherry blossoms, me daydreaming in Alaïas. "Wish you were here." I do not mind interrupting their day with my trifles and frivolities. (How unlike me.) In Suwon, I visited the Hwaseong Fortress. Built in the 18th century, it is said to be an extremely complex and innovative fortress. Its purpose—to defend and protect the precious inside from the brutal outside. As fortresses do. And now, open and welcoming, the fortress (and what it used to guard) is a tourist attraction—in her era of being seen, admired, and understood. ***
"South Korea learned from having to rebuild its country after the Korean War (1950—1953) that if you're going to make a change, the change has to be drastic..."
—Euny Hong, The Birth of Korean Cool
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And finally...
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Pardon my silence. There are moments in life when silence is quite necessary, wouldn't you agree? Times when silence is golden an opportunity for true intentions to make themselves heard. For us to hear ourselves. In the absence of, the heart reveals what it truly misses and desires. I have so much more to tell you from the last few weeks. Such as? —A new friend made at a charming little gluten-free cafe in Osaka (whom I ended up interviewing. Coming soon.) —Brief yet memorable conversations with strangers and baristas. —My favourite places discovered by good-old-fashioned walking and exploring a neighbourhood. Getting a little lost can reward one with delicious finds, which, to me personally, is far more gratifying and fun than pursuing secondhand experiences through someone else's reels, guides and taste, than beelining for where the crowd flocks. —A recent decision on self-improvement books and podcasts. —Notes on my two hours in Umeda Tsutaya, beautiful objects and the feeling of luxury. But one must mind her manners and know when to make an exit. So, see you in the next issue. Until then, be well, be kind, and as always, I wish you nothing but happiness and peace. Love,
P.S.
A gave me the most life-changing present, and I didn't want to wait another week to share this with you. I have lived with pain in my back and neck for years. This pain is constant, often the cause of debilitating migraines and fatigue. After much time, money and hope invested in a variety of treatments and approaches—chiropractic adjustments, tuina, cupping, gua sha, acupuncture, physiotherapy, pilates for scoliosis, bodywork, reiki, numerous changes of work-desk setup and mattresses, you name it—the pain always finds its way back. No matter how effective any of the above had been, the relief was short-lived. I’m still in awe that a simple posture correcting strap/belt is all it takes.
A told me to wear it for half a day and see how I feel. But it took less than that for an ancient tormentor in my neck to be silenced and banished. Day Three: Pain has officially left the body. Alignment is everything. The only complaint: It's not the most comfortable thing to wear because it limits movement and keep your shoulders from rounding. Your skin may also feel a bit irritated if you wear it on bare skin. Even so, I am not complaining. I feel like a new person. A ordered mine from Amazon Japan. But if you’d like to give it a try, you should be to find a version of it that suits you quite easily wherever you usually online shop.
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